Tue Feb 25 2020

I couldn’t sleep. Fuck me. I’ve got something on my mind that is bothering me, and I’m distracting myself rather than dealing with it. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it is the money situation. It’s probably the money situation.

I wanna sleep, but I don’t think I’ll be able to wake up in a few hours if I sleep now.

Watching JRE MMA Show #92 with Angela Hill


Angela is talking about anxiety and mindfulness. She’s speaking all the things that resonate with me. Being present and dealing with issues straight up.

Dammit, my eye hurts. Right eye. Sharp pain. Fuck me.

Fuck me.

Well, here’s a good thing that happened today. Yesterday? I listed a shit ton of P-Memories cards. All I have left to list are VOCALOID cards. All the anime cards are listed.

Anyway, there’s a problem. I’m at 979 listings out of 1000. Fuck me. The next seller level is $300 a month. No fucking way that’s going to happen right now. I could list more, but each listing above 1000 items is $0.10 PER MONTH. That’s 10 cents a month just for them to be listed on eBay. I want 3000 items, so there’s no fucking way I can do $0.10 a month just for the item to be there…

Dumb. Ebay is trying to entice me to list more than my limit by giving me 500 extra listings or something. Then next month they probably yoink those extra listings and I’ll end up with a huge fee.

PLEASE someone come along and disrupt eBay! OpenBazaar was a failure, but there’s gotta be someone who can get some p2p marketplace together that isn’t a hunk of junk like Open Bazaar.

Shipping prices have skyrocketed in the past few years. Taxes have increased, and this makes running an online store harder than ever. eBay hasn’t done jack shit to alleviate the problem for sellers. To add to the pain of increased taxes and shipping, eBay’s fees continue to increase in tandem.

Just fuck that.

Fuck that noise.

979 listings. Fuck me. I have way more than 21 cards to list. I wonder what Rudy does for his eBay store.


4,000+ listings. Rudy must be on the Anchor subscription level.

I would like to get there, but I don’t have sales volume which supports that. $299.99 a month is more than half of what I pay for rent. I would have to sell 42 P-Memories cards a month just to break even. Fuck me.

Why do they have a limit?

That’s a dumb question. Because they’re a corporation and the sole reason for their existence is to make a profit. Higher profits every year is the name of the game. More fees, additional fees, non-refundable fees, creative ways to separate sellers from their monies.

Web 3.0, plz disrupt.

I want a p2p marketplace that doesn’t suck balls like OpenBazaar does. It has to run in my web browser and it has to have no or super low fees. And it has to kick so much ass that people prefer to use it over OfferUp, Craigslist, eBay, and Amazon. A protocol, not an app. Ran by a Decentralized Autonomous Organization (DAO). not a Company.

Oh hey, Bitcoin’s killer app could be this marketplace. It could use lighning network, perhaps. Fuck yeah.

I have 3 hours until the last group therapy. I really really want to sleep. I think today is going to be a cheat day as Tuesday normally is, and I’m not exercising today. Oh fuck, what about CoDA? My sleep schedule is so fucked! It’s a shame because it was back to normal yesterday.

But I’m not living in the moment. I’m spending too much time distracting myself on YouTube and on eBay. Mindless shit that’s a waste of time.

Apparently I brought in $300 in the past 7 days. That’s pretty good for me, but then again, that’s eBay and their marketing tricks to make it seem like I’m doing better than I actually am. I probably brought in less than half of that, after I consider shipping and seller fees.

Not to mention that my inventory is selling and I can’t afford to restock it. It’s basically getting restocked with stuff I can find for free, or stuff I already have.

I was thinking, what if I went back to school? Could I get some financial aid that makes feeding myself and paying rent a little easier? I think I’m in a place where school would be good for me. I want to take communications classes. I have a huge gap in my skill set in that area, and I’d like to fix that. I’d also like to become fluent in Japanese. I don’t know what sort of professional benefit I can get out of that. Even if there is none, and it’s just something that is good for me because I could go to Japan and get along just fine, I would like to do it.

This is something that I can do, that is an intentional choice, and it’s worth it. I have flawless attendance at my group therapy which ends today. I am going to be at that group today, to finish strong. My counselor said she is bringing watermelon. I’m not going to miss watermelon!

I’m thinking of bailing. I’m thinking of flaking and sleeping through the time slot which is reserved for group therapy.

Don’t you fucking do it! Just remember the last time I bailed last minute from going to see a movie with B. and D. Bad mojo. Depression rolled in right after that. I was ashamed and I deserved to be ashamed.

I want to be there because I want to see if I win a coffee gift card. I want to be there for the last DBT 2020 group therapy.

The last.

This is a topic brought up in WakingUp app by Sam Harris, in which Sam teaches the theory behind meditation. As a human, I have a finite life span. Everything I do will eventually have a final time that I do that thing. Today could be my last day alive. A previously unknown volcano could erupt below my house. A sinkhole could swallow me up.

Today could be the last time I have internet. WWIII could start and Al Gore hits the internet killswitch.

Today could be the last time I see a person I met in my DBT therapy group.

Today could be the last time I have use of my right eye. It could expode from an aneurism. I could have a spasm attack and slip into a coma.

Every. fucking. thing. has an ending. Every. Fucking. Thing. That I experience will come to an end some day. Will the last one be the moment I’m experiencing right now?

My laptop computer could die and right now is the last time I ever get to use it.

Fuck that. I need this computer!

Actually I could get along with a $6 computer from the thrift store, but I like this computer quite a lot. I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m thankful for this System76 Bonobo Workstation.

It’s funny that it’s called a Bonobo. My laptop likes to have sex.

My laptop likes to throw it’s poo. Do Bonobos do that? It might be some other relative that does that…

Anyway, shit is going okay, but I don’t make enough money. I got scared yesterday when I drove my truck… If that thing breaks down, I have zero budget to get it fixed. I have zero budget to get the suspension fixed which is already fucked up and has been for several months. I have zero budget to get the brakes fixed which have been fucked up for YEARS.

10AM. My alarm went off and it scared the b’jeezuz out of me. Well, time to exercise! Not.

Actually, I should probably go walk at least. If I don’t, I’ll probably fall asleep. I’m so predictable. I’m going to want to crash right before the important appointment. Then I will allow myself to sleep, “for just an hour” and I’ll sleep for 10 hours. Then a depression will roll in, and I won’t deal with the emotions left over from missing my previously agreed upon engagement, and I’ll distract myself by playing video games or watching YouTube or masturbating.

Then I’ll feel even worse, and I’ll be physically exhausted because now my sleep schedule is off and I don’t feel tired when my body is actually tired. This leads me to stay up all night, not realize that I’ve been on the computer for 16 hours straight, and I’ll crash, further advancing my sleep schedule later and later.

I won’t feel rested and the cycle will continue with late night computer binges and mal-nutrition. I’ll become constipated because there isn’t any food pressure because the minuscule volume of food I eat almost entirely gets digested.

Damn, I was in a flow there, and it was interrupted by a SPAM call of someone trying to sell me a life alert system. I’m almost sure it was an automated system with a pre-recorded pitch, including natural sounding breaks with yes/no questions.

Fuck that. They said I fit into an age group that falls often. I wonder how they got my number. WHOIS, perhaps? I just updated my WHOIS data. When does WHOIS go away? The sooner the better, I say.

Phones should go away. Phone providers should be like $5 a month for UNLIMITED everything. I can’t think of a single phone provider who isn’t operating a complete scam. Ting is the only one I can think of that has an acceptable website. Every other provider I have seen looks put together by a Personal Home Page Elephant dick stuffer (PHP script kiddie).

That slam was bad and I should feel bad. Hey, gimme a break, it’s a first draft. It’ll take a few times before I figure out how to craft a standup routine which knocks the PHP fuckboii socks off.

Wait a minute, aren’t I going to knock the JavaScript kiddie socks off? I don’t know who’s socks are what socks and who’s cocks…


Fuck me.

No really, fuck me. If you’re a hot girl with small breasts, my number is 208-410-4016 and please schedule an appointment to fuck me in the ass with a strap on dildo.

So naughty. No touching my dick. I can’t touch it either. While you’re fucking me, you gotta let it wiggle up and down as my p-spot gets milked. Hit it just right and precum will start too ooze from the tip of my hard member and drip to the floor.

Yeah, work that P-spot. It’ll take several minutes before I can’t take it anymore and I just want to stroke my penis. The answer is no. I can’t touch it, and go ahead and whip my ass every time I ask.

Whip my ass and keep on fucking me in the butt with that big black strap on dildo. Fuck me until I beg to touch my penis. The answer is still no.

I’ll reach a point where the bottled up sexual extasy overflows, and I’ll explode in quivering whole-body multi-orgasms. I’ll shoot seed so fast and so hard from my monstrously rigid dick that it’ll take us the rest of the day to clean up.

I’ll collapse, ass in the air as my whole body convulses, over and over. Feel free to fuck me while I’m down, it’ll only prolong the pleasure as my mind takes me to another dimension where the sexual tension being released manifests in wavy, heart shaped rosy outlines.

That was an okay creative writing session, amirite? It didn’t start that way. I have the sexual fantasy of being pegged. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, writing is a lot easier when my filters are off. Being exhausted means little to no filter!

Fuck me, why didn’t I sleep?

Because I was tense and I wasn’t facing my emotions and I distracted myself the entire day! That’s why!

You fucking cont!

Deal with your problems the same way you deal with… I don’t know a good analogy. Just Do It! Fight your emotions like a man! Face them and let them be there. Be in the moment and FEEL THEM!

If they are allowed to be, they eventually go away. Just like today being the last day of therapy, I can have a last moment of an emotion. That emotion is finite, just like my life!

Ok then, I’m grateful for WakeUp app by Sam Harris. I’m learning good shit.

I’m grateful for DBT therapy. IDK what it stands for. Dealing Butt Therapy. Yeah, I’ma go with that, and I really appreciate butt therapy because I sit on a hard wood chair every day and it’s uncomfortable and annoying. And I take it in the ass, especially if her name is Hatsune Miku.

Aaaaand, let’s see if I ever have the courage to publish this post? I hope so. No more hiding, please and thanks.

So um, here’s some affirmations, then I’ll go outside to fight off the impending urge to sleep.

90. My spirit is beautiful.
94. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow, but I’ll take care of myself so I am strong enough to face it.
97. I will do my best with whatever comes my way.

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