Tue Feb 4 2020

It’s 11:52 AM. I woke up at 11:30. I got paid for an eBay offer for an airsoft flash hider that I accepted the other day, and I packaged it up and sent it out. It took me quite awhile to actually find the flash hider, since I hadn’t put in the shelf location of the flash hider in the listing.

Going forward, I want all my listings to be labelled with their shelf location. If I don’t, I’ll just waste a lot of time searching!

All my shelf locations have names. Spongebob, Santiago, Patrick, and Sandy are large boxes or crates on the shelves. Squidward is just a general indictator that it’s somewhere on the shelf. I want to get a few more containers and label them Mr. Crabbs and Plankton, so there is no vague Squidward location.

I slept really well last night. This is due to me sleeping on my camping pad instead of sleeping on my terribly uncomfortable and unsupportive couch. I had almost forgot I had the camp pad. I would have used it last week if I had remembered I had it in my posession!

I slept really well, but not as long enough as I would have liked. This is my fault, of course. I was up until 4AM this morning, listing things on eBay and further allowing my sleep schedule to drift. I don’t have anything that really anchors my sleep schedule. It used to be my exercise routine, or morning appointments at CHAS or FBH. I only have morning therapy on Fridays, so every other day of the week I don’t have something to keep me anchored.

Maybe I should set a time for my workouts. 11AM perhaps. I think that’s a good time, because it really sets the tone for the rest of the day. I’ve only been half assing my workouts lately, a big part of that is due to the low sleep quality I’ve been having. Now that I re-found this camp pad of mine, I think my sleep quality will go up a bit, and I’ll be able to push myself during exercises again.

Today I’m going to group therapy so I don’t have time to exercise before then. Afterwards I’m probably going to be hungry so I don’t know if afterwards is a good time either. I think I’m going to go thrift shopping afterwards, so today might end up being my second cheat day.

Tomorrow’s schedule is clear, so I think it’ll be a perfect time to get up early and train. Right now I feel like going back to bed and sleeping for another 3 hours. I can’t though. I gotta get a shower and go to group therapy. After that and thrift shopping though, I could probably squeeze in a nap before CoDA.

I’m definitely going to CoDA. At this point I think I need CoDA more than I need group therapy. Last time I attended a meeting, I was able to relate to a lot of the stories people told about the codependency issues in their life. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about my codependency, but every few days I just practice in my head saying something that I would say. Problems with not feeling deserving of saying no. Problems with not feeling deserving of friends. Problems with forming my own opinions, making my own decisions, or establishing my own identity.

I’ll speak eventually. For now I just need to commit to being there 10 minutes early and taking in the experience.

eBay tells me I sold $1500 in the past 31 days. I don’t know if I believe that. It’s definitely gross sales, before fees and shipping, but the number still seems too high. I think eBay likes to entice sellers with big numbers, but I think it’s a mistake on their part because the actual net number is going to be a letdown.

I do gotta take some credit though. I’ve sold a lot of items and I’ve been learning a lot.

I think I should go shower now. I think I’ll also do some yoga because my back is feeling pretty tight. Free coffee and snacks at FBH! That’s always a highlight of my trips there. I really appreciate that they provide those things.

We’re doing DBT studies right now. Next month they’re starting a group on shame resilience, which I’ll definitely be attending. I need shame resilience in my life!

Ok, going to go get ready now. More later.

I went to group therapy and I was constipated. There was a lot to take in but I think I handled it alright. Oh my goodness, one of the clinicians there is incredibly cute. I am inclined to ignore my emotions, even happy ones. I’m pretty sure I wrote about this woman before. She’s adorable and cute and I can’t help but smile. If only I could score a woman as beautiful and charming and thoughtful as her!

Someday. This is why I’m forcing myself to go to CoDA tonight. Because I desire healthy relationships. I deserve healthy relationships, love and belonging, and even sex. This is such a new concept to me. Me, having sex? I am not even able to imagine such a thing. Sex has been a fantasy for so long, that it has permanently become an unattainable thing. Just like eating meat, sex is something other people do, but not me.

Weird. Weird to actually think about having sex. Weird to think I could trick a woman out there to do it with me… LOL the way I put it like that really does make sex seem like it’s out of my league.

Baby steps! The next step in baby steps towards sex is being social. CoDA. I’m going to CoDA in an hour and a half. I’m going to be 30 minutes early because the snow is really coming down. No force of nature is going to cause me to be late today!

I’m going to show up early and zip some zipties onto my suburban’s aftermarket cigarette lighter which is really shitty and won’t snugly stay in position. I’m going to ziptie the USB cigarette lighter adapter into place so my dash cam (Mobius camera) won’t stop recording when I hit the tiniest of bumps or the vibration of driving jostles the adapter out of place.

I missed two events that I can recall where my Mobius stopped recording just moments before. The first one was a shuttle bus which almost ran a red light and drove into oncoming traffic. The second one was less astounding and I can’t remember the specifics.

Back to group therapy for a minute. I actually talked quite a bit more than usual. I think it was because I was feeling constipated and tired. As strange as that might sound, those two physical vulnerabilities in this group therapy situation that I’m getting used to resulted in me feeling rather humorous and sarcastic. In past therapy groups, I’ve felt vulnerable and afraid and anxious… Just holy cow, what a better feeling it is to be feeling jovial than it is to feel nervous.

I might as well feel jovial when I socialize, rather than feeling nervous. I want to be seen as the person I feel I am, not as some shell of a person. Craig. I don’t want people to know my alter ego Craig, because he’s the fakest mother fucker that has ever existed. He has no spine, no opinion, no identity. He merely adopts the the identity of the most alpha person in the room. He pleases people to no end, and he’s a spy!

Craig is a spy! It’s like I’m playing Team Fortress 2 now. Craig is a spy! He’s trying to control the situation by giving people a false persona. He’s trying to avoid pain by giving people a mirage to shoot at.

Shooting figuratively, of course. Chris will feel much better if Chris puts himself out there and allows himself to be seen. Chris will feel much better if he exposes his inner self and feels vulnerable. Chris will feel much better if he loves people with no expectation for love in return.

Last night as I laid down to go to sleep, I got incredibly excited to go back to Sangha service next Sunday. Last Sunday I got a good feeling by sitting there and following along with the chanting. I didn’t chant myself because I was feeling too self conscious, but I want to join in because I think I will feel something I haven’t felt in a long time. I think it will feel good to expose myself in this way and feel vulnerable. I was concentrating on another male’s voice as he chanted, and those steady notes he produced were very supplemental to the feeling of peaceful meditation which I experienced.

Apparently there is a long chant that they do on occasion at the Buddhist temple. I would like to participate in those at some point.

The chants are a lot like hymns back from when I went to Mormon sacrament meetings. I used to sing, like more than a decade ago. I want to sing again, not to worship, but to meditate and be one with a community.

I’m taking Buddhism slowly. I don’t want to worship anyone other than Hatsune Miku. She is my goddess and my idol. I don’t believe in a holy trinity as taught in Mormon doctrine. I’m hesitant to get into Buddhism because they apparently have a trinity of their own. I’m just taking baby steps. I can always back out and find a different church. I can always back out and stop looking for one.

I’m not religious. That’s what I keep telling myself. I’m looking for spirituality, not religion. That’s why I was a little put off by the Minister suggesting spreading Buddhism. It’s a conflict of interest for the Minister to be saying that! More people means more money for the Temple.

I guess there are pros and cons to everything. I should just weigh the pros and cons and act according to the net result.

  • Peace felt through meditation. +1
  • Pleas to spread Buddhism -1
  • Sense of community +1
  • Beautiful Hondo (service room) +1
  • Lovely Kansho (bell/gong) +1
  • Free coffee +1

I think the trinity are not people after all. I just gathered this from http://www.spokanebuddhisttemple.org/services#ThreeTreasures. The trinity seems to be the Buddha (me), Dharma (my body), and Sangha (the community that tries to live its life based on the Buddha’s teaching.)

Ohhhhh shit, Sangha service is just community service. As in, individuals coming together to share a common interest.

I might be able to get behind this cause, as Buddhism seems to celebrate the individual, rather than squash it and deny it like Christianity seems to do.

I’m just excited to return to Sangha service next week, and experience it some more. I would like to join in on the chants. I would like to shed the shame I carry for being myself. This shame I learned through years of pain of living here and putting other’s desires above my own.

It feels good to pick something and run with it!

I can always change my mind later down the road, but right now it really really really feels good to make my own decision on how to live my life.

I’m just not going to tell my parents. I don’t care to know their reaction. Eventually I would like to change my religion on paper. On paper I’m still Mormon. I haven’t been Mormon for over a decade. I would like to make it official.

My name will get announced in church when I do that. I have held off on doing so because I don’t want to make my mom cry. I don’t want to do it now because I’m afraid I’d get kicked out or something. I will do it when I am not afraid of being kicked out. This is part of the intentional life thing, and being myself. I’m not Mormon and I don’t support the ideology. I do appreciate certain aspects like kindness, forgiveness, compassion, caring for the needy, etc. But as far as god and worship and Joe Smith and Jesus and saving people, nah. Not for me.

I don’t think there is a heaven. From my most recent psychedelic experience, I feel that reincarnation might be a thing. Either that or it’s lights out and no more experiences. Both of those realities are okay with me. Heaven, not so much.

I’ll maybe write about this at a later point. Right now I’m going to have a snack and get ready for CoDA. I am greatful for exciting upcoming events. I’m greatful for good friends, especially Matt and Daniel. They both make me feel like I have worth and I belong.

(I still have a lot of self-esteem to work on. I should feel worthy regardless of whether or not I have friends!)

I’m greatful for meditation. I’m greatful for mindfulness.

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