My nose feels plugged. Or it’s dry or something. I slept wonderfully last night, by the way! Amazingly, I slept on my back! I usually can’t get comfy on my back, but last night I had lots of dreams and I slept soundly. I even woke up automagically at 7:30 AM because I was afraid I would miss my doctor appointment. I got up, checked the time, then went back to sleep because the appointment isn’t until 11:30.
It’s 9:29 AM now. I have just a few minutes until I gotta get ready and head to the health clinic. They are going to follow up with my anxiety and depression and offer me druuuugs. I’m of course going to say no. My daily routine and therapy are keeping me in balance at the moment.
I’m going to study Japanese right now, then I will resume this post after the clinic and group therapy.
I just remembered a dream. I was on a school field trip and we were taking a small airplane to the destination. We were socializing as we flew through the air. There was a girl in front of me who kept rubbing up against me. There was another girl who was into anime and I got her attention by being curious about the characters she mentioned.
One by one I was getting the girls interested in me. It was a nice feeling.
I wrote an affirmation down the other day.
I deserve nothing less than love & belonging
I wrote it, but I might not have meant it at first. Now I’m starting to believe it, and that’s a good thing.
At the health clinic. Construction has extended into the waiting area! The bathroom is not accessible! And I have to pee. #FML! I refilled my fountain pen this morning in anticipation for group therapy. I usually take lots of notes.
Maybe they will take a urine sample today. That would be a nice twist of fate. I guess I’m not depressed anymore. My PHQ-9 score is 0,1,2,0.
I’m still anxious, that’s for sure. I was given an anxiety test and I forgot to write the results. 2,5,1,0 is my rough guess from memory.
I got a call from FBH and I ignored it. I should call back if they don’t leave a message. Maybe group is cancelled or something. I hope not. That would suck. I’m learning a lot from group therapy.
Something about this exam room seems different. I think it’s the flooring. Vitals good. Weight 174 lbs. That’s about 9 lbs more than last time. Not bad. I think I need a little extra weight. Oh yeah, MUSCLE weighs more than fat!
I’m hungry. Good thing I have snacks in the car! I just heard geese overhead. It must be a flock of Canadian Geese! I don’t know why I find that so funny, but it really is!
I like writing on the back of the paper. If I don’t, I end up using the blank side of the paper because I don’t want to waste a perfectly good piece of paper!
I got referred to a dermatologist for the skin condition on my rectal area. 509-456-8444.
Anxious(6).
I’m at therapy now. The security guard is so friendly. They moved him into the main area, that’s nice of the staff. It’s cold in the foyer! I sat down near the coffee maker. I forgot to have a snack! I’ll grab one from the group snack pile. They always have snacks. My stomach is grumbling.
I found a chewy granola bar on the ground at the health clinic. It was packaged up and I took it! I bet it fell out of someone’s car as they got out and they didn’t notice.
Someone or something smells like B.O.
Checking in is apparently not required for group. Good to know.
Boy, I’m hungry. Hopefully I’ll be alright for 2 hours.
I feel pretty great otherwise. Mood wise and anxiety, I am real good. Happy(3), anxious(2).
Lots of kids in the waiting room today. I wonder if the cchedulers put people with kids in the same group meetings. Probably not. It’s probably just coincidence. I tried to get a hold of a CoDA group coordinator, but they e-mailed me back and said they weren’t active anymore.
It’s a shame that their website is not kept up to date! Is hunger a feeling? It should be, LOL! I’m cold(5) and hungry(6). Is cold a feeling? It should be, LOL!
DBT. Whatever that stands for. That’s what I’m learning today. Sometimes I wish I were mute. I should learn sign language so I can pretend. Usually when I get anxious, I shut down. I don’t want to talk at that point. I think sign language might be easier than talking. Maybe it’s not the case. Maybe everything is hard when I shut down.
Next time I shut down, I’ll see what it’s like to sign. Not that I can sign, but I’ll imagine it. Ooooh, coffee! I’m grabbing some.
*sip*
I was sitting right next to it and I didn’t even think about getting some until a gentleman poured some for himself. It’s super hot! Just what I need to get me through the next 2 hours. Mmmm yummy coffee. I take it BLACK!
In the group room now. I feel like I’m in an important board room meeting. I love meetings!
I learned a lot today. Emotions serve 3 purposes. They serve to motivate, communicate to others, and communicate to us.
B. is truly passionate about her job and I just love it! I was told by K. that B. used to be a teacher. She is really good at presenting.
We did an exercise which I really enjoyed. B. had pre-cut out a bunch of shapes out of coloured paper, and we were given glue sticks and colored markers to follow along as she described each section.
I really enjoyed this exercise. It allowed me to be creative and artistic, take my time writing, and learn something in the process. I didn’t leave enough space for the pink “H” shape, so I ended up rotating it.
Anyway, I received some homework. My homework for this week is to identify an emotional response during a situation, and share it with the group next week. I was also given a worksheet to fill out
Terrible lighting, I know. Actually a more recent phone would have a better camera. I’m happy with my OnePlus One, regardless!
Oh hey, I should totally use one of the cameras my mom gave to me. She gave me a box of old digital cameras. I could set one up on a tripod and use it for eBay! I think that’s more of a longer term goal. Once I clear enough space for a lightbox, perhaps such a setup would be in order.
I went thrift shopping again today. I caved and made an impulse purchase of some envelopes. I am almost out, and I would like to maintain my letter mailing habit!
Speaking of letter mailing, I should mail a latter to Daniel. I’ve left him in the dark on my whole social anxiety/depression situation. I just caught myself using, “I should.” I’ve learned from Co-Depended No More that “shoulds” are a mental antipattern.
Shoulds can be destructive. They can add guilt to my mind, and they should be eliminated. I used another should. It’s a trap!
So um, today during group therapy, I felt at peace. My anxiety was almost non-existent. I was able to speak to the group and form a thoughtful sentence. I want more days like today!
Well, I felt anxious(5) at the thrift stores afterwards. It’s not like I was peaceful(7) all day. I think a lot of it has to do with my exercise routine, and the fact that yesterday was an extremely busy, fulfilling, and draining day. Today I gave myself a cheat day as far as exercising goes. It would be hard to fit it into my schedule anyway, given the fact that I had not one, but two appointments.
I’m just going to go back next time, and the next time, and the next time. Group therapy goes on for 6 more weeks, and I’m planning to be at every one of them.
I was even able to talk to my parents this evening. I let down my guard a little bit. Still not enough to where I could suggest CBD oil to my dad. I don’t think he would like that. I know that’s a mental antipattern. It is a codependent behavior to assume other people’s state of mind, and act accordingly. I don’t want to be codependent anymore. I want to move past that.
My mom asked me if I was planning on getting into a code bootcamp. I said not right now, because I don’t want to take on more debt.
I have a big challenge coming up. I have to say no to helping my dad with his work. This is where a step in the book comes into play. I have to detach. I can no longer do the boss/employee relationship between my dad and I. This relationship has caused me a lot of pain. This relationship needs to end, so a father/son relationship can exist.
I also want to move out. I have talked about this a lot lately. I don’t want the landlord/tenant relationship with my parents.
I don’t want to get into that right now. It makes me feel threatened to think about that relationship. Threatened because I feel like I would be kicked out the moment my parents knew that I was a fan of CBD and/or Psylocybin.
Ok, boomers. That’s what I should say to them. LOL. I bet my dad would get angery if I said that. I bet he would, and there’s nothing I could do about that. What I can do about it is continue my work at communications and shame resilience to the point where I wouldn’t care if he got mad.
That’s another goal. And I feel hopeful(7) that I can achieve it, along with all the other goals I have!
I wrote down some good notes from group therapy today.
Be careful with mind-reading. Don’t assume. Leave it as a curiosity point.
When someone acts a certain way, maybe uses body language which is of concern, don’t assume their mental state. Leave their actions as a curiosity point. It’s okay to about that action if it’s something that concerned me.
Emotions are not facts.
Similar to the above quote. Emotions are just one of the parts of the mind. The other part is logic. The middle ground between logic and emotions is wisdom. Wisdom is trustworthy.
I felt incredibly privileged(8) and happy(8) during group therapy today. I was in a good place mentally, physically, and spiritually. Just a note.
If you can feel it, you can heal it.
Such a strong phrase.
If you name it, you tame it.
This is regarding feelings. When I feel something, it can be like a demon. it’s unknown. It’s out of control. It can be a mischievous troublemaker that wreaks havoc on my day. Once I give that feeling a name, that demon becomes a servant. I become it’s master, not the other way around. I tame that feeling, and I can move on.
HALT. Hunger, Anger, L…?, Tired
A good acronym to remember my physical attributes that can contribute to emotional expression. I can’t remember what L stands for.
TIP. Temperature, ???, ???
TIP are three things which can apparently help manage emotional runaway. I only remember the first letter T.
Fear is a continuum.
B.
I don’t even know what this means, other than fear can range from 1 to 100. It just sounds really cool. I’ma take this one step further and speculate a little bit. Fear is like a continuum because it never stops. It’s a part of my psyche. It can come and go, but it will continue to exist no matter what I do. It is therefor my job to regulate it, bend it to my will, and refuse to allow it to control me.
I’m grateful for group therapy. I look forward to the next one. When group therapy is over, I look forward to the next class I can take which will further accelerate my livelihood, mental health, and social skills.
I’m grateful for my friend Matt. I’m about go play video games with him for the first time in over a month. I’m grateful that he reached out to me to play.
I’m grateful for my mother. Sometimes I think she puts others first, even when she might not feel that well. Like when I talk to her and she might not care about the subject I’m talking about, but listens intently and completely involves herself. I hope now that my dad is semi-retired, that she will get the love and attention she deserves.
I wonder if that’s my mom practicing mindfulness. When I talk to her, she is mindful. She seems to dedicate 100% of her attention to the experience. I can take that as a lesson.
