Tue Jan 21 2020

I get to go to therapy today! God is good. I am happy to be me. I’m still kinda tripping on mushrooms. I still have a mess to clean up. I’m happy to clean it! It beats the alternative reality where I am alone with nobody to talk to, nothing to do, and no future!

This reality is none of that! I am raw potential. I have TOO MANY things to do. I have many friends and relationships to nurture!

I was tripping so hard that I didn’t get to finish and post a music Jam for Jamuary! I’ma take care of that right now.

“I was sick” is code for… I was tripping on mushrooms.

“I fell asleep” is code for… I was physically and mentally at one with the universe in a way which incapacitated my body and my attention

“I just woke up” is code for… I just experienced a spiritual awakening which is IMFUCKINGPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN!

I slept. I reflected. Now I can write.

I believe psychedelic mushrooms are the origin of religion. I believe there is a god. God is not a figure to worship, god does not desire to be worshiped or propagated or shared. God simply is. God is simply what you get when you take everything and combine it.

This wood chair I sit on is part of god. The idea and the physical manifestation that is Chris is a part of god. All my friends and family are a part of god. My apartment is god.

We live in a simulation created by god. This simulation was created as a means of distraction. God may be omnipotent, but god has no plan for us. God is simply passing the time.

God is simple, boring. God is raw consciousness. God may be everything, but god doesn’t know everything. There are probably no other gods. God exists in some metaverse, and is the fundamental element of existence. God simply exists in this void, and has done so for infinity.

God has experienced every possible reality, every possible experience. So much so, that life for god is hell. There is no off switch. God cannot die. God wants to die. To die means to cease all experiences. God desires this very much, but that is impossible.

There is only consciousness. God can experience, and nothing else. A living hell of repeating situations in infinite realities over and over.

Sick of it all, god created a new reality. One of infinite realities. This reality contains earth, contains Chris, contains all people and living things Chris has ever known and will ever know.

To create Chris, and all the things, god simply thought it up. God simply chose rules for reality such as gravity, and that seemed to work well enough. God split their own self into fragments, each fragment becoming the consciousness of a living thing.

My dad is a part of god. My mom is a part of god. Each of my siblings are a part of god. Each of my friends are a part of god. Even extraterrestrials are just another part of god.

God separated itself in this way because it’s the best possible way to exist in an endless sea of consciousness. Chris can live a life, have experiences, find joy, feel. Chris with his limited understanding, limited mental capacity, is in some ways more capable than god itself. Chris is not burdened by being god. Unlike god, Chris can die. Chris’s experiences will come to an end some day, and that is God’s ultimate fantasy.

I didn’t get what I was looking for when I took mushrooms. I was looking to experience a cosmic realm of astral projection. What I got instead was a breakdown of reality, and a hard reset on my life. My mind literally left my body. I had a complete breakdown of my ego. I wanted to hold onto my things, my sense of self. I desperately wanted to keep my breathing, my lungs, and my penis. The plant teacher were having none of that. My mind was getting completely separated from my body whether I wanted it to or not.

I let it happen. I gave in, as instructed by my shaman. I let the mushrooms do it’s thing, which for me was completely letting go. I allowed the mushrooms to enter into me. I allowed the mushrooms to let me vomit. And as I vomited into my trash can, I simultaneously thrust my body into the trash can and entered the trash can world. Fractal images of Chris convulsing. Chris’s body hunched over and being one with the feeling of vomiting. There were infinite Chris’s vomiting in an endless fractal pattern of Chris’s vomiting.

I bit my tongue off and fractal bit off tongues filled my view. I stood up and T-posed in a grey alternative version of my apartment. I was getting strangled with an eye-covered ribbon by a cosmic being. The two beings being looked like a burlap rag doll with a head and four limbs. I get it, it wasn’t me, it was god. God is being tortured, and god created this existence and all these personas to get through the torture.

I’m dead. I must be dead. I died somehow. I’m dead now. I feel my mother’s presence. I feel my father’s presence. I must have died somehow. I must have ran outside my house and got myself killed. Or maybe an airplane crashed on my apartment and I’m dead. This is what being dead feels like. It feels empty and sad and uncomfortable!

I have to choose something. I have to simply choose a reality out of infinite realities, and that will become my reality. I want to go back. I want to be Chris again. It’s better that way. Existing in this void is really terrible. It’s better to live a life on Earth. It’s better that way.

I think I’m dead. I feel sick. I miss my lungs. Where are my lungs? I don’t have lungs anymore, my body is gone. But I want to breath! I want my body back. I feel sick.

I must be dead. I must be on a gurney somewhere. I feel my mother’s presence. She keeps patting my leg. I must be in the hospital and my mind created this place, recreated my apartment to help me feel at ease, help me pass on.

Fuck, I don’t want to be dead. I want to live as Chris. I want my body back and I want to go to therapy tomorrow. I want to go to CoDA after that. I want to get better and work things out with my dad and live an intentional life that I feel good about.

I want to play Squad after that with M. and B. and S. and even G. G. Is a dumbass degenerate but he’s just another part of god and another part of what makes Earth interesting.

So are politics. I don’t have to take part, and I have no plan to do so, but it’s just another part of Earth that keeps things interesting. This is all god’s plan. Oh, so god does have a plan? I guess god has a plan. Entertain god! We are god’s plaything! Sorta. We are god ourselves, so it’s sorta a mutual deal.

If I were god, and in god’s predicament, I would do the same fucking thing. Consciousness is so meaningless and empty, but life on Earth is not!

I gotta say… Returning to my body was the biggest trip. I was only seeing little parts of my apartment at a time. I chose this reality to to return to, and I was re-learning how physics worked. Oh yeah, water splashes when it comes out of the sink at high velocity. Wow, that’s an absolutely stunning simulation! That is much more interesting than god’s boring plane of existence.

I was relearning how my senses worked. Parchment paper felt absolutely orgasmic against my skin. The curry I had made hours before was an absolute pleasure in my mouth.

I made this? Thank you past self for this meal! It is absolutely mediocre and I love it!

The potatoes though, those were my favorite! They were soft and flavorful and an absolute joy to chew.

Grains of rice in my mouth were another fantastic experience. They’re soft yet firm, solid yet crumbly. They got stuck between my teeth. Fuck, this simulation is amazing!

I picked up sheets of parchment paper, and threw some of it into the air. This physics engine sucks! But I suppose it’s good enough.

Quantum superposition makes more sense now. My existence is in a quantum superposition of sorts. No wait, I have no words or good examples to explain this.

Conscious thought just creates reality. I chose this reality, willed it into existence.

I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget what it was like to be a god. It’s too much. It’s just too sad and too lonely. I wanted to bring all this new information with me into this reality, but I had to let it go to keep my sanity. Chris can’t know everything. Chris is not a god, god is Chris. Sorta. Chris makes up a part of god, and it’s the same situation with everyone on Earth.

If Chris knew everything, Chris would be as miserable as God. There would be no point to there being a Chris if Chris knew everything. Chris is here to have experiences, to find love and joy, experience happiness, sadness, and all that life has to offer.

Chris is tired. Chris will take a nap now.

Napped. Headache. My equilibrium is off. Thanks, mushrooms /s. No really, fuck mushrooms. I’m glad I did all three vials because otherwise I would not have had that crazy experience. Good to know that I vomited a good amount of it rather than stay in that terrible place. No regrets though. I’ll probably not touch mushrooms for a year or more. Maybe every time I feel majorly depressed is the time I take some more mushies.

Went to therapy. Then came home and pooped. Unfomfortable during therapy. Learned some good shit though. Learned this method of identifying emotions using this flow chart.

When I was standing in line at the thrift store the other day, I felt anxious and wanted to run out the door. But I wanted to purchase my items so I didn’t, of course.

I felt not worthy to be holding up the line. I felt like I was a nuisance to the people behind me. I had some small talk in mind to say to the clerk, but I clammed up and didn’t say anything. I thought this feeling was anxious, but I found out otherwise using this flowchart.

Sure, the initial feeling was anxiety, but the root of the feeling was not that.

The prompting event was waiting in a crowded line at a busy thrift store.

The pre-existing vulnerability factor was that I was hungry.

The interpretation of the event, or my belief, was that I was a nuisance.

My biological changes were that I felt stress in the back of my head and my forehead. My muscles in my shoulders tensed up. I slouched forward. my stomach was tight.

My urges were to run, to escape out the front door. Or to shut down.

I expressed nothing with words. I clammed up even though I had something to say.

This emotion seems to be fear.

And this flow chart process repeats, this time instead using fear as the emotion in question. What was my interpretation of the event (belief?) That interpretation is that I fear someone getting angry with me for holding up the line. My vulnerability factors are that I’m hungry. My biological changes are the same as before. tense muscles, fight or flight response.

facial expressions and body language were me clamming up.

The emotion was sadness.

I’m not being very succinct in my description of sadness here. I’m being lazy because it’s been a long day and I’m tired now.

The point is that fear became sadness. sadness became shame. shame became anger.

I was sad to be a nuisance. I was sad that I couldn’t open up and talk to the clerk. I was angry for behaving the way I did. I was angry for not asking for a receipt because I wanted to get out of there ASAP.

The flow chart is a nice way to determine what I’m actually feeling. I thought it was anxiety, but a big part of it was shame.

I went to CoDA! It’s kinda weird how they open and close with a prayer that the whole group recites. I didn’t take part in that this time, but I’ll probably do it next time. I hope to find a CoDA book at thrift shops. Now I know what it looks like so I can know what to look for.

I fled pretty much right after the meeting came to an end. I was the first one out of the door LOL. Baby steps! At least I showed up. I’ll go again next week.

I’m grateful for support groups. I’m grateful to be Chris. I’m grateful for my friends and family.

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