Last updated on January 7, 2020
TIIIIIREED! I’m beginning to sound like a broken record.
the therapy office keeps calling me. I think they are just reminder phone calls, but I miss them every time. And they usually don’t leave messages because HIPPA. Annoying.
I don’t need fucking reminder calls. I have my appointments on my calendar. I don’t forget appointments.
I keep waking up later and later. I didn’t want to sleep last night because I didn’t want today to happen. I wanted to stay in yesterday forever. My computer addiction is sucking me in again.
I’ve been researching addiction, and I’ve learned that the opposite of addiction is connection. People are addicts because they don’t want to be present in their own lives. I wholeheartedly agree with this theory.
I don’t want to chat with N. anymore. I told her I wanted to take a haitus and reevaluate our friendship at a later date. Every time I chat with her, I get upset because I see things in her that remind me of the words parts of me. I think this broken friendship might be contributing to my desire to stay awake at night.
I also know I have to get a job. I don’t want a job. Correction, I don’t want a regular job. I don’t want to have to wake up at a certain time every day and go through the grind day after day. I’ll begin to hate life again, I’ll despair. I want a job where I’m the boss and I want to do what I love. If I can’t have that, I think I should kill myself.
I have to choose an intentional life right now. The way I live right now is what determines how I lived my life.
To that end, I want to work for 7Barrels in Spokane. I have to impress them. I’m going to polish up vocaloid01 to the point where it’ll turn heads. I set a 2 week deadline for this.
Anyway, I’m going back to bed. Fuck this half awake feeling.
Nah, I can’t do it. I’m already awake. I keep getting phone calls. I could put my phone in DND, but I’m concerned that the therapy office might actually need to get a hold of me. Maybe group therapy is cancelled today?
My goals include keeping a consistent sleep schedule. I feel better when I do this. In other words, I’m 100% sure to become depressed if I don’t maintain a consistent routine.
I want to get an early start on things. My group therapy is at 1. This means I gotta starve until 3. Not that that’s abnormal or anything. I’m cyclic fasting because it helps my body. I don’t feel bloated or constipated when I cyclic fast. My digestive system deserves a break every day.
I think cyclic fasting regulates my blood sugar levels as well. Or maybe it’s the exercise that is doing that. What I mean is, I don’t have huge dips in blood sugar levels like I used to have. I have medium dips, LOL.
It’s 9 right now. I’ll write until 10, then I’ll go walk until 11. After that, I’ll take a nap. Or maybe I’ll nap now. Fuck me. I hate this feeling.
I’m drooling. I’m napping now.
4:01 PM. I napped until just before group therapy. I went to group therapy and now I’m back. I’m preparing food and listening to Joe Rogan Experience #1405.
It’s a rare podcast with four people. Joe Rogan, Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer, and Tom Segura. Lots of different viewpoints converging and it’s a very interesting discourse.
Joe Rogan Experience is my favorite entertainment at the moment. It’s like I’m able to live vicariously through Joe and his guests.
I’m cooking some curry with ingredients from Trader Joe’s. I still haven’t made the Lisa Lansing vegan pancakes because my bananas aren’t ripe!
I’m skipping training today. I’m calling it my rest day. I’ve been doing really good, and my prescribe regimine is 5 days a week, so I don’t feel any shame or guilt for not doing it.
Bert & Tom don’t want to get on the scale. Ari, the lightest of the guys is trying to get everyone else to weigh in. Bert doesn’t want to.
And they peer pressured him into doing it. And Bert was not wearing underwear. LOL wow, I was not expecting to experience these things.
OK I gotta pause that and focus on writing or I’ll never get 2000 words down today. I was assigned homework in group therapy. My homework is to write down one of the feelings that I feel every day. The goal of group therapy is emotion regulation. It is uncomfortable at times. I was feeling angry with myself for not opening up at one point and sharing what I do when I suppress my emotions. I had two things in mind but I was afraid of feeling vulnerable. I was afraid of expressing weakness.
There, I accomplished my homework for the day!
In my research of vulnerability, I’ve learned that vulnerability is not weakness. Vulnerability is courage. I just have to keep reminding myself of this and I think I’ll be able to be vulnerable in group therapy.
It’s an 8 week course. I’m really greatful that I have this resource available to me. I don’t even have to pay for it, my state sponsored medicaid handles it completely.
Very grateful for group therapy. It’s going to be a good thing for me.
While I’m on the subject of gratefulness, I’m grateful for Joe Rogan Experience. I learn a lot of things, get to experience a lot of different perspectives, even when I’m in the mental state of wanting to isolate myself from people. Hopefully I will be able to replace JRE with actual human interaction at a later date.
I felt sad after Christmas. I was really cheery when I was with my siblings and playing games, eating food, etc. Then it just ended and we haven’t met in awhile. I was sad because I lost that connection.
I get sad after anime conventions are over. I usually open up and be my true self at anime conventions, then when I go home, everything becomes dull. I get depressed. I am sad afterwards because I lose the happy experiences and the connections I make with other anime fans.
I put the can of eggplant, tomato and onion in today’s curry. Hopefully that doesn’t throw off my recipe too much. I put in a little less spices than normal so the eggplant and onion flavor can be more expressive.
It smells pretty good. Everything in the curry is canned and doesn’t need to cook for long, except for the 3 russet potatos which need about 45-50 minutes to soften.
Russet potatos are my favorite kind of potato. Apparently I’m misspelling potatos. I refuse to use “potatoes.”
I DuckDuckGoed it. I’m wrong after all. I will spell it potatoes from now on. Even though potatoes reminds me of feet, I will use the correkt spelling.
I wonder how potato is spoken in Japanese. jisho.org to the rescue!
I love writing in Japanese. Or rather, I love typing in Japanese. My keyboard software ibus brings up this little overlay which suggests words or phrases as I type out hiragana or katakana. It’s very helpful!
I remember the scene in Mr. Robot where Cisco(sp?) types in Mandarin. He wasn’t even asian and yet he knew how to read Mandarin in a chat room, and he could communicate in kind. I think speaking another language or even just typing it is such a kickass flex to be able to make.
When I was driving to group therapy this afternoon, I was rehearsing my introduction, should I be called on to make an introduction.
My name is Chris. My passion is software development, and I also enjoy music production and studying Japanese.
That’s what I was thinking of saying. When I was called on to make an introduction, I instead followed suit and followed the format of the introductions of everyone who had gone before me.
LOL, so vanilla. Just like my sex life!
Now I’m just repeating things I’ve read. I read a story of a guy who’s sex life was described as, “vanilla.” He basically just did missionary style sex, until he found a partner who was into all sorts of kinky stuff.
I’d like to think I’m more flavorful than vanilla when it comes to sex. I put things in my butt. I fantasize about pegging. I sew sexy underwear. I use rope and make crotchless thongs.
Now that’s a weird flex. In truth, I’m felling inferior to people with more colorful sex lives. Why is that even bothering me? I guess it’s envy. I haven’t had sex with a partner, and lots of people I know have.
What is it when people who have had sex shame people who have not? Perhaps I’m feeling spiteful of people who do that.
What feeling urges them to shame virgins? I’m guessing it’s the same feeling that urges video gamers to talk trash to players who did worse than them in a match. I don’t know which feeling that is. Maybe I’ll ask K. about that during my next appointment.
Curry’s done! Now I need some rice to go with it. I snacked on tortilla chips earlier, I’m not even hungry now. Rice on the burner!
Ugh, I got an ant problem. It’s too messy in here. Ever since I started cooking with onion, the ants have been here every day. As far as I know, there isn’t a line of ants coming in and doing what they do. It seems to be one here, one there. Maybe the spiders aren’t eating the ants because I adopted a kill policy on spiders.
Spiders don’t bother me. I would have a pet tarantula. The thing about spiders is that I don’t want other lifeforms in here. This is my territory and they’re intruding on it. I used to catch and release them outside, but there’s so many gaps in the exterior wall, like around the door, that they would just make their way back in here where it’s warm.
I don’t mind spiders, but they make a mess. I make a mess all on my own, I don’t want more of a mess in here because they are spinning their webs and making little eggsacs everywhere.
I gotta list some more shit on eBay today. I’m thinking of making another grab bag of electronics. Arduinos and wire and perfboard and whatever I can find which would make an attractive gift bag or starter kit for an enthused electronics hobbyist.
I’m just not that guy anymore. I have to specialize in something if I want to get to the level where I can monetize it. And that thing for me is web development.
I want to make video games, like fantasy or sci-fi MMOs. I want to make mystery solving games, educational quiz games. I’ve done little bits and pieces of each goal, but actually realizing one of these things in completion has yet to occur. I think it will happen, as long as I give my passion for software development the time and pressure it needs to become a fucking diamond!
Until then, I think I’m going to continue being poor. Maybe eBay could work for me while I figure it out. Maybe I could do a thrift store shopping spree once a week, and come home with 7 items which will be solid sellers.
Midi Keyboards for example. Those seem to be at thrift stores all the time, and they sell for a decent chunk of change. If I made $15 a day from eBay, that’s a significant improvement from my daily earnings at this time.
It’s what I do. It’s what I do by default, it’s something I’m decent at, which provides value to people. Maybe I could make it work. Maybe I can live how I want to live!
I’ll just keep making baby steps for now.
I gotta come up with one more thing to be grateful of today. I’m going to go ahead and say that I’m grateful for eBay. As much as I hate it, it is the most guaranteed way I have of making money online. Someday in the future, I’ll probably be able to replace eBay with a better product, but until then, I’ll keep using it because the masses keep flocking to it.
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