Tue Jul 28 2020

Ok so it’s 11:07 PM and I just woke up. I want to journal just a bit before I jump into video games because I want to spend time with my best buddy M.

I also don’t want to do video games first thing after waking up, because whatever I do first in my day is what I get hooked on. If I do something that doesn’t require discipline (video games) then I go the whole day lacking discipline.

However, if I do something that requires discipline (work) then I feel anchored to self-regulation and I seem to have a better day.

I’m just doing a 25 minute writing session, and I’m going to be done for today. 2000 words likely isn’t going to happen, as I have yet to write 2000 words in 25 minutes.

It usually takes me an hour and a half to write 2000 words. I just don’t have the flow it takes to get 2000 words down on paper.

I think I could do it, but it would require some extra special circumstances. Perhaps a day full of exercise and social activity would provide me with the mental activity which I would need to get 2000 words down on paper.

I slept from about 12PM to 11PM. That’s a little more time than I’d like to sleep, but I don’t feel particularly bad about it. Bad as in physical grogginess, not bad as in guilt or shame.

I don’t feel guilty or shamed at all about it. I deserve to have a long rest every now and then. It’s been weeks since I can remember sleeping for 11 hours.

The grogginess is what I’m worried about. I don’t like to feel groggy. I guess there is a little guilt, as I did just mention, “it’s a little more time than I’d like to sleep.”

I just don’t want to get into the habit of always advancing my sleep schedule by an hour or two every day. I don’t think that’s good for me. I think it’s better if I can stick to a schedule, because I feel much more energized during the day when I do that.

It’s going to be tricky to stick to a schedule like that, but I think I can do it as long as I lead a balanced life. The two things that I struggle the most with is

  1. Exercise
  2. Social contact

Exercise drains the excess energy I always seem to have. This could be due to being a man and having testosterone in my body.

There’s also the issue of becoming physically stronger. I have noticed that after becoming stronger, my body has extra energy during the day. If I take a day off of exercise, my muscles are not accustomed to that, and they are restless at night.

The other issue is social contact. I feel a hit of dopamine when I have meaningful social contact. Not so much with my parents, because I am anxious around them, but definitely around individual siblings or close friends. I think social contact is the missing piece of the puzzle in my life. If I can have regular and meaningful social contact in which I can be myself and speak my mind, I think that will help regulate my sleep schedule because I will naturally lean toward a schedule that is in sync with my loved ones.

15 minutes left on the clock. I’m kinda unsure of what to write about next. I’m excited to play video games with M. I haven’t done so for a week. Last time I played with him, I rage quit. Hopefully I didn’t upset him about that. I was annoyed about some things he did in-game, but I think I only got really upset about it because of how tired I was. I hadn’t been sleeping very well last week. Or was it two weeks ago? I can’t remember.

Nah, I think I managed stress much better last week, but my sleep schedule was residually poor because of the stress the week before.

so yeah.

so yeah

so yeah


I like vocaloid.

You already know that.

Did I mention the cosplay idea I had? Yeah, I remember that I already did. Hmm…

KAITO with a dead Miku in his breast pocket. Only it’s not a dead Miku, she’s just pretending to be dead. It’s a classic vocaloid song and only some people would get it :laughing:

I shipped some electronics items this morning. I got about $35 for them. Pretty cool.

I’ve been really bad at keeping track of my collectible card sales. I haven’t been putting my chicken scratches on my goal tracking paper for whatever reason. Maybe sales are just so slow in that department that I’m subconsciousness thinking that it’s not worth the effort. Well let me rectify that right now!

Oh wait, I already did put the chicken scratch for that sale. I guess I’m not doing so bad at tracking that after all.


I haven’t checked my e-mail since waking up. I’m feeling an incredible sense of FOMO right now!!!!

Fear Of Missing Out.

I have been doing a lot of doom scrolling lately. I think I need a hobby to replace that bad habit.

Maybe I shouldn’t say doom scrolling, because I’m not reading the negative news when I do that. Ehh… I sometimes am though, although it’s on HackerNews and not something like MSNBC.

Mindless scrolling. I’ll call it that instead. I scroll on youtube, don’t find anything interesting to watch, then I scroll on HN, don’t find anything interesting to read, so I close my tabs and open up HN again. Then I realize how ridiculous it is to close HN then immediately open it again.

When I get into mindless scrolling, I think I’m subconsciously looking for something. I don’t know what. Maybe it’s connection. Maybe it’s a social interaction that I crave, but my personality and habits are preventing me from doing things that actually lead to that kind of interaction.

I took a personality test the other day. I can’t remember if I wrote about this or not. Anyway, in the #mental-fitness channel in the Nerds United Discord guild, there were people sharing pictures of their personality test results.

Actually I’m sure that I wrote about this already.

Yep, I even uploaded this picture previously.

Ok so next topic!

Or what was my point of bringing this up? Architects are introverted which means they don’t gain energy from socializing?

Well I think I can gain energy from socializing, if I don’t put so much energy into defenses. I think when I’m in introvert mode, I’m guarding myself from discomfort, guilt, and shame by not expressing myself and instead staying quiet. I don’t smile, I don’t open up and join the conversation. All my focus and energy goes into hiding in plain sight.

If I let down my guard and be myself, I think I switch into Extrovert mode, in which I absorb energy from the activity and I usually have a lot of fun.

25 minutes is up!


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