Tue Mar 2 2021

This is my first hand experience. My life was a codependent mess, I was depressed and having suicidal thoughts.

I took a “heroic dose” of psilocybin, and during the ~4 hour trip I fell asleep and I was convinced I had died. I re-experienced my forgotten birth and felt the pain of my circumcision. I experienced a bunch of unexplainable things, fractal patterns and music, and explored a Interstellar(2014)-like tesseract where I could choose any place in time to return to. I decided to return to myself in the present time, rather than pass on to whatever comes after my life.

I awoke in a puddle of urine and vomit. My body felt like it had been hard-reset and I felt little pains here and there which I had completely forgotten about and my brain had just become used to and ignored. I immediately felt better about my mess of a life, and happy that it’s what I get to work with and make better. I used that positive momentum to get pumped about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where I did a lot of good work on myself.

For therapeutic effect of psychedelics, I think the uncomfortable mind-body separation experience is necessary.

I’m watching Ironmouse. There was a moment in tonight’s stream where someone donated hundreds of dollars along with the message, “I’m not okay. …”

Mouse had to step away for a few minutes to deal with the situation and calm down. Chat was going CRAZY, spamming 1-800-??? suicide prevention numbers, and there was a split between lashing out against the person who was dumping their problems on Ironmouse and thousands of watching people… And the other side which was saying, “BE SUPPORTIVE” and “CALM DOWN CHAT”

It was pretty wild.

Mousey came back, cancelled watching her queue of videos and instead sang songs. I think she also disabled her on-screen chat, as well as alerts. She apologized about that, and said she wanted everyone to be okay.

I think mouse handled the situation really well. She said right away that she was not a therapist and that it would be best for the person to reach out to someone. Then she realized the seriousness of the situation, felt scared, told everyone she was feeling scared and that she would be right back. She did what she needed to do for herself to regulate her emotions, which was to step away, probably talk to her close friend and moderator…

I think Ironmouse has mastered shame resilience, and she’s a great example for me. I really appreciate her.

I’m getting a free concert now, from Ironmouse! This is lovely.

I heard a really great podcast today. What Bitcoin Did with Balaji Srinivasan

I’m a big fan of Balaji. I took a Stanford course from him– Startup Engineering. Don’t bother looking for the course. It’s vaporware LOL.


I can’t remember the point I was going to make about that podcast.


I’ve been playing Mahjong the past few days. It’s a great game. Anyway, tonight it felt like I was playing against pros who were smurfing in Bronze. Grrr I didn’t win a single hand!

I think my beginner’s luck has died out, and now I’m in a slump LOL.

I’m still confused about Yaku, and win conditions. Three melds and a pair, in addition to a Yaku, I think? But what are the Yaku? Ahhh it’s so confusing. Anyway, I got dead last on both rounds that I played. I figure that this game can become a drug/poison like League of Legends was, so I think I will resolve to playing a max of 3 games per day, to maximize fun, and minimize addiction.

Best out of 3, basically. If I lose 2 matches, that’s it for the day.

Heck, why don’t I just say a max of 2? I guess maybe because if I’m on a win streak of 2, one more would be good? But then that could be a loss. So I played an extra round for nothing…

I think most rounds take about 20-30 minutes. So I think 2 is plenty.

Yeah, okay. 2 rounds if I’m by myself. If I’m playing with friends on mic or in person, maybe the limit becomes 2 hours or something.

Emotional regulation is really important for me, especially when I’m feeling good. When I’m feeling good, I can overexert myself, to the point where I become exhausted and I make bad choices. I do things that end up causing me to suffer.

I can become an asshole to my friends. I can stay up too late and feel like shit in the morning. I can overeat and be bloated and in pain. I can endlessly browse youtube videos, feeling completely unfulfilled, which ends with the most logical thing– switching to porn, masturbating, then finally falling asleep when the sun comes up and my body can’t take any more abuse.

…The abuse of staring at a screen and watching videos for hours on end. I don’t mean that I fap until I can’t take it anymore LOL. I haven’t actually done that before, because it’s not enjoyable for me to to fap more than twice in a day LOL.

Once a day is more than enough for me LOL.

Well on that note, today’s writing is over because I’m over this post!

Oh I remember what I was going to say about WBD podcast.

Balaji recommended the movie, Super 30

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