Tue Mar 31 2020

I woke up feeling sore and stiff and groggy and tired. I blame the croissants I ate yesterday. It’s 1:21PM now. I just packaged up some love coupons that I sold on eBay. It took me over a half hour to find the damn things. It’s all my fault, because I didn’t note the correct inventory location. It wasn’t even on the shelf, I found it behind my desk on the floor. How frustrating.

I’m hungry but I was too frustrated to cook food or even grab some snack nuts. I’m falling out of my sleep sched….

Maybe I’m not. Maybe this is a minor setback kind of a day. Maybe I can bounce back, and not go into despair.

Yes, I think I will do that. I think I will choose NOT to despair.

So the internet has been down, as per usual. I think my dad switched back to the old modem, because that one went down a lot less than the new one. The new one goes down instantly when browsing the internet. The old one goes down after about 10 minutes of browsing the internet.

I’m not sure if I should just wait, or if I should go ahead and buy a…

What am I saying. I can’t wait. My job requires internet. I need to have the AT&T Unlimited data SIM card here YESTERDAY. Ok, I’m not delaying any further. I’m ordering now.

Oh cool, I have a $55 balance on Paypal. That covers the $35 ($39.91 after taxation) SIM card. So I messaged the SIM card seller and asked for details about how the phone plan gets recharged every month. Apparently It’s $45 to recharge the plan every month, or I can just buy another sim card from the seller at $35. Kinda crazy!

Ok, my order is in. Internet is very important for me. I’m dependent on it to make money so it’s up there with food. I am adopting this mentality from now on. No internet, no human rights. No internet, no income. I pay for good internet, and I am rewarded for it.

Here’s an example of how poor internet equals less income. Last night, i was stuck with my 2G phone internet. It’s usually 4G, but I consumed all 8GB of my monthly data in only two weeks. My needs are much greater than 8GB a month. My needs are closer to 8GB a week.

So I’m restricted by this 2G, data used up throttle but the show must go on. I have to get items listed on eBay, so I go ahead and do just that. The image uploads take about 2 minutes each, and I have 30 or so images to upload! This slow internet severely restricted my productivity, and I ended up having to watch Casino Royale while I had nothing other to do than wait for the image uploads. This experience was rather painful because I had to focus on eBay, not the movie. I would pause the movie, start the image upload, enter the quantity and the listing description, then I’d resume the movie and watch a half a scene until the image completed uploading.

Then I’d repeat the process.

I can usually get around 80 cards listed in an evening if I’m putting my full attention into doing so. Last night, I listed 36.

Internet went down again. Fuck this shit. I’m happy to know that this CenturyLink issue will be a thing of the past. Soon enough, I can rid myself to CenturyLink forever!

I’ll seriously never have to go back. I’ll wait for Starlink, and use AT&T in the interim. It’s a good time to be alive!

I’m not even going to attempt to join the CoDA meeting tonight. There’s zero chance that my connection will remain stable during the meeting.

I’ve run out of things to talk about. I’m distracted by every little thing. I suppose a nice walk outside is in order.

I didn’t go outside. I feel too weak for that. Instead, I started cooking some vegetable curry. Four potatoes, four large carrots, 2 cups coconut milk, 1 cup tomato sauce, a can of asparagus spears (chopped), a can of golden corn, a cup of garbanzo beans, parsley, nutritional yeast, sea salt, black pepper, turmeric, coriander, onion salt, and garlic salt.

Before I put in the golden corn, I added some baby corn that I had in my refrigerator. The smell was terrible, they’ve obviously gone bad. It’s a damn shame because I absolutely love baby corn! I picked them out one by one, hoping that they hadn’t spoiled the rest of the food. Time will tell.

I had to remove the trash bag with the baby corn, since the stench was so foul. I don’t even know how to explain it other than it smells like a mixture of alcohol and rotting vegetables.

I watched Se7en the other day. That was a very gruesome yet excellently produced movie. As I cooked food just now, the cop guy had to kill the serial killer at the end, otherwise the movie couldn’t be called Se7en as it is. Am I even spelling that correctly? I’m not sure.

There seems to be some thunder outside. I wonder if a storm is rolling in? I think now is a good time to go outside and walk. 22 minutes left on my curry. The nice thing about this instant pot is that it shuts off automatically after it’s done cooking. I can choose to have it keep food warm after the cooking phase is over, or I can have it switch off and enter a sort of standby mode. The keep warm function is often unnecessary. It stays plenty hot even without that function.

Ok then, a quick walk before the rain rolls in.

I walked 5 laps, then ran 5. I am happy to know that I can run 5 laps without stopping. I could definitely do more if I put my mind to it.

The thunder persists. It started hailing gently has I concluded my 10 laps. Little balls of snow.

I noticed something interesting about pinecones. They retract their… wings(?) in this weather. I use pinecones as lap counters when I walk or run around the firepit. All the pinecones today were smaller. At first I thought someone was messing with me, and they had swapped out my counters with smaller pinecones. After looking around, it seems that all the pinecones had closed up for the day. I wonder if this is a natural phenomenon when it gets wet. Something that the successful pinecones developed over centuries of evolution. Perhaps it is this opening and closing that makes pinecones an excellent delivery mechanism, an excellent seed. This opening and closing aids in burrowing under the dirt, where the pinecone needs to end up to form a new tree.

That is, if pine cones are actually seeds. I don’t actually know their biological purpose. Last fall, there was an enormous amount of tiny saplings that sprouted up. I don’t know if that has anything to do with pine cones, or if there are some sort of other mechanism in which trees reproduce.

And what is the deal with pine nuts? What tree grows those, where do they come from, and where are they? I assume that they come from pine trees? Which species of pine tree? Is this something I can find in my area? Are they at the core of every pine cone?

I really am clueless in this area.

As I was pulling out my curry to cool, and putting some rice into my instantpot, I wondered if this journal is becoming a spiceless thing. I tend to log the events of my days, but how sparingly do I write about the emotional issues I face? I fear that this journal is becoming a simple, logical history of my journey through life, and the emotions are getting cast to the wayside.

Perhaps I am working too much, using distraction patterns to avoid having to feel. Perhaps it is not only work, but my impulsive time spent on the computer.

It’s amazing how little I allow myself to feel, even if I don’t have internet. The simple act of sitting at my computer with the monitors blasting photons into my face is enough to put me into a numb trance where I don’t have to think or feel about anything uncomfortable.

The thing with discomfort is that magical thoughts occur there. When I exercise, there is a sweet spot where it really feels as if my body is changing in positive ways. That spot is right in the gradient between discomfort and pain.

Pain can result in physical damage. Discomfort can result in body adaptations.

I need a word for that sweet spot. Discomfort is too soft, pain is too strong. I’ll have to research and find another word.

I think the same can be said in areas outside of exercise. Uncomfortable social situations can lead to a new skill, or a desire to communicate better. Painful social situations may just make socializing and reaching out to other people more difficult.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense that voluntary discomfort is something I should seek, not shy away from or be afraid of.

This is something that Joe Rogan has said. Maybe my thoughts on this subject are merely a seed planted by Joe which is starting to bloom. Joe Rogan says that voluntary discomfort, like that experienced during Yoga or Martial Arts classes, is something that is really good for you. This discomfort is what helps you grow.

Oh, so I pretty much just regurgitated a thought. I suppose this isn’t a bad thing. This merely means that i have processed the thought and digested it for myself. Just hearing words from someone isn’t enough for me to accept those words. I have to dwell on those words and put them into action. I think I’ve done that now, and I can accept the idea and incorporate it into my life.

Something I’m looking forward to is Tae Kwon Do classes. The reason I want to do Tae Kwon Do is because i think it will help me on my road to recovery from Codependence. I have spent a long time anxious and depressed, and I’m looking for a better way to live. I’ve been doing a lot of work to get to the point where I don’t tear myself down with negative, self deprecating thoughts. I think the next step is to join a community where I can let down my guard and feel a part of. I think Nerds United is a great step at this. I have no plans on leaving that community, because I find it really welcoming and enjoyable.

I want to take one step further and join another community which promotes physical contact. Handshakes aren’t enough, I need hugs! And there will be kicks and punches as well. I’m not so sure about that, and I might end up at a BJJ studio at some point. My plan is baby steps. BJJ might have too much physical contact for me as I just start learning martial arts. Later along, I may become ready for that level of contact.

Ok then, time to eat then get my eBay on. I’m going to list a stack of cards, and a handful of small electronics. Excelsior!

24. I am happy with who I am.
25. Every day, in every way, I am becoming better and better.
26. I am a good person.

I’m grateful for the second amendment to the constitution. I appreciate that everyone has the right to have weapons and defend themselves, their property, and their loved ones.

I’m grateful for my friends. I’m grateful that I can spend time with them and we can have fun times together.

I’m grateful for food storage. I’m grateful that I don’t have to be a farmer, and that I can work hard at a really specific part industry– web development and e-commerce. Both those things are dependent on so many layers of economic infrastructure. I’m grateful that I stand on the shoulders of giants such as the farming industry and the telecom industry.

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