Tue May 5 2020

fire, flame, wood fire

I so need this writing session right now. While I walked this morning, I became concerned about some things.

I only walked 5 laps around the fire pit. My left hip joint started hurting quite a bit. It feels like I pulled a muscle there. I figure I should take it easy and I quit my morning walk.

Something else happened while I was outside. I smelled the smell of burning wood, a familiar and pleasant smell which reminded me of campfires. I noticed that my parent’s firepit was smoking just a bit. I walked over and saw signs that someone had had a good time last night!

There was an empty plastic cookie tray on the ground, as well as some broken beer bottles and some crushed cans in the firepit. I also noticed that my brother M.’s car was parked next to my dad’s truck. Perhaps he had had a little shindig with his girlfriend?

I was a little annoyed at the mess left behind. It’s not like the metal and the glass are going to burn away anytime soon. It’s a lot like littering leaving the drink containers like that.

I took it upon myself to clean up the mess. I grabbed a bucket near the firepit and I walked to my apartment. I grabbed a handful of shopping bags and an extra bucket from the backyard. I filled the two buckets with water and slowly poured the water over the smouldering logs.

I put on my gloves and removed the shattered glass and aluminum cans as best as I could. I picked up the cookie packaging and bundled the refuse into the shopping bags. I used a shovel and flipped over the logs before dousing them again. I mixed the charcoal like a soup until the smoke subsided.

I felt a little guilty walking the trash to the garbage bin. Was I unnecessarily covering for my brother? Was it even beer bottles, or was my mind playing tricks on me? I definitely couldn’t make out what kind of cans they were. They could have been soda or energy drinks for all I know.

I was feeling like I had to hide this evidence, because my brother had not. I was feeling like I had to clean up the mess, because my brother had not. I told myself that I’m covering for him, because I don’t want my parents to get angry with him. I’m covering for him as a one-time courtesy, but I won’t do this again for him in the future.

This brought up a shame trigger in me. The shame trigger of my dad being angry with me. After I quit walking, I went inside and sat on the floor and meditated.

I am feeling the urge to reach out to my brother. I don’t want to text him and have a conversation there. SMS conversations are empty and heartless. I want to actually use my voice, and hear his.

I’d like to think he was having a fun shindig, but I also think there’s a possibility that the night didn’t end well. He’s still here, after all. The good thing there is that he didn’t drink and drive. The potentially bad thing was that there was an argument between him and his girlfriend.

I am making up all sorts of things. I really have no idea what the story is. These potential situations I’m envisioning are probably not helpful because I really have no idea. Those bottles could have been there before last night. Those bottles could have come from someone other than my brother. The neighbors could have snuck in and had a campfire for all I know. Just because M.’s car is here, doesn’t automatically mean all these things I’m thinking.

Correlation is not causation

I did a lot of yoga yesterday. I would use my 5 minute breaks to do a 5 minute yoga session. I’m really starting to fall in love with yoga.

I have the urge to invite my brother M. to do some yoga with me. I’d just teach him the traditional sun salutation, and proper breathing. Maybe I could introduce mindfulness as well.

I just hope my brother is doing okay. We haven’t talked in a long time. I really have no idea what’s going on in his world.

I have the same urge to talk to my brother D. He’s been home for 4 or 5 weeks and I haven’t even seen his face. I saw his face via webcam on his birthday over a week ago. It’s silly because he’s literally less than 200 feet from me but I haven’t even said hello to him.

I suppose COVID-19 has compounded my isolation to the point where I won’t even say hi to my family. I suppose I’m infected with the SARS-CoV-2 meme just as much as anybody.

At the grocery store yesterday, I was feeling shame for not having a proper mask. My bandana kept slipping down my face. It was layered too much to where my breath did not travel through the fabric very well. Instead, I just breathed through the gap in the bottom, which made wearing the bandana feel so pointless.

There were slow people in the aisles and I just walked past them because I was impatient and anxious of having a conversation or a conflict that I was too close.

There was an elderly woman choosing frozen meals from the freezers and I felt guilty for not having a proper mask near her.

The 6 feet social distancing rule is heinous. As if exhaled breath stops after 6 feet or doesn’t linger in place. As if. As if. As if.

Did I talk about how angry I was yesterday? Yeah, I’m sure I did. Today I don’t feel as angry. Today I don’t have an agenda that is so time-dependent as is going to the grocery store before it gets busy.

Today I’m going to do lots of yoga, I’m going to write, study Japanese, list on eBay, and play video games with friends.

J. got in a car crash on Saturday or Sunday. He was hit from behind by a large vehicle. He had a doctor visit and apparently his back is fucked up. He’s been trying to play video games with me for the past two days but I’ve been ignoring his invitations. I really have to stick with a rigid schedule when it comes to video games. I can’t play them much, because I use them as a distraction from my problems. I get addicted and dump too much time into video games.

I’m not planning on playing Minecraft ever again because all it is is a dopamine drip. I can’t do that right now. I don’t need to spend 6 hours to build an automatic cow farm so I can have leather so I can make books so I can make a better enchanting table so I can get enchanted weapons and armor so I can go to the nether and get more supplies so I can start making potions so I can have an advantage when I fight monsters so I can collect more supplies so I can… There’s no end to that.

Minecraft for me is just a time waster without a tangible reward. It’s not even a social activity because everyone is so zoned out on this or that. Nobody builds community assets, everybody just play selfish and wants their own this and their own that. I have to work on things that make money.

Well, it’s Tuesday. Tuesday and Wednesday are video game days. I’m going to talk to my friend J. today and see how he’s doing.

If I didn’t have this schedule, I might make the choice to avoid J. some more. I really think there’s an issue with me and how I avoid my friends and family. Why do I?

In the case of my brother M., why am I not sending him a text inviting him to do yoga? I figure there are barriers to doing that. My dad has been working in the back yard almost daily using his tractor. I don’t want to interfere with that. I don’t want to hear that while trying to do yoga. I don’t want to be reminded of my shame triggers while trying to do yoga. This is my parent’s back yard, not my own. I don’t feel free here unless it’s the early morning when I’m alone.

I think I have to be honest with myself. Just like how I’ve come to the realization that I’m not interested in being friends with N. The honesty is that I don’t feel connected to my brothers. I don’t feel attracted to their presence. I don’t feel attracted to anybody, really.

I always hear people coming to realizations of the important things in life. I had this realization recently after I tripped on psilocybin. The important things in life are the people around me and the relationships I have with them.

Why then, is reaching out so hard? Why then am I so keen on isolating myself from them?

There is going to be a last time. I’m going to have my last meeting with my siblings at some time. I’m going to have my last game of magic the gathering with D. or M. I’m going to have my last game of Squad with J. It’s an inevitability in life, because life is finite.

I can’t be with them forever. The opportunities I have be with them is now, and those opportunities are fleeting.

I have the urge to reach out and connect, but I don’t. Would I be more inclined to do so after a good meal? Probably. Right now I’m feeling low on energy and hungry. I haven’t ate anything today.

Maybe the shame of social distancing is interfering with me. Perhaps that plus my natural tendency to isolate is too much to overcome at this moment. I lack the facts to even decide if social distancing is bullshit and is okay to ignore. I guess I’m just waiting around to get better facts from scientists who know what they’re talking about.

I suppose I could set up another virtual get-together. Our 7 Wonders event 9 days ago was pretty good. I think I should make it a weekly habit, but I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been doing it every other week but I start to feel lonely if I go for that long without interacting with my family.

I still need a new family. One to supplement, not replace my biological family. I think the closest I have to that is KorruptedGamers. We’ve met up once, and I share a close bond with J. and B. I’m still working on that relationship with S. I think he has taken a liking to me, but I’m not letting my guard down like I want to.

I need to move. I need to be physically separate from my father. I don’t want to be on the premises, I don’t want to rent a property from him.

Ugh, I’m probably going about this the wrong way. I think that I can’t be my authentic self and shame-free until I move away. But the reality is that I will always feel this way until I decide that the feelings in my own head that I am not good enough or not able to be authentic are not valid.

I’ve got more work to do there. I think maybe moving out would help, because my shame trigger isn’t going to be walking outside my window and operating a tractor that I can hear from my workstation. I dunno, that still seems like I’m just wanting to run away.

I dunno. Maybe this is a thing I will deal with forever. Probably. I suppose I should work on what I can control. Myself, my reactions, and my shame triggers. I can lesson that shame trigger, I can react kindly, and I can do a lot of other things to improve myself.

I’m grateful for journalling. I’m grateful for this resource that lets me get my thoughts and feelings out onto paper.

I’m grateful for potatos. I don’t care if that’s a misspelling, I think that’s the right way to spell potato plural and I’m going to be stubborn.

I’m grateful for free yoga videos.

4. I can and I will do things to promote healing in my life.
5. I can handle this one step at a time
6. The sun is shining; I am ready to take on another day.

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