Tue Nov 10 2020

Today I walked 40 laps around the back yard. No orders today, but I did walk to the mailbox to get yesterday’s mail.

I already did two pomodoro sessions for listing trading cards on eBay. It felt good to have a purpose when I didn’t have anything to pick and pack. It’s a bit different from the aimless mornings I’ve been experiencing since the change to standard time. Standard time is seriously bullshit, and apparently I’m not the only one who thinks that. Apparently Washington state has filed for a federal exemption from DST. I think they shouldn’t even ask for permission to apply something that is literally just a theoretical construct, they should just do it.

Well if that’s how I feel, why don’t I just “do it?”

I kinda am doing it. I set my alarm clock a half hour earlier than normal. I “split the difference” so to speak. I’m a half-asser!

Today’s walk was really good. I pondered on things I’m working on. I pondered on the twitch stream that I would like to start doing. I pondered on my career path and how happy I am to be on it, even though it’s been very difficult because of how I am struggling financially.

When I feel like I can’t make it work out and I want to give up, I just like to think about words I have heard from people who did something hard in their life, went all in, and came out on top.

Joe Rogan talks about this every so often on his podcast. Joe worked a lot of shitty jobs that he didn’t like, until he realized that what he wanted more than anything was to live a life that was meaningful to him. So he did comedy and acting and he eventually found something that worked. His “ikigai” so to speak. Those are my words not his lol.

Who else has done what they loved, regardless of whether or not it was accepted? Jamie Mantzel comes to mind. Then there’s silicon valley success stories like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. They didn’t follow someone else’s path, they saw opportunity and a future that nobody else realized, and they seized it!

My path is not common. I’m actually pretty privileged because I went a long time without paying rent to my parents. Now that I am paying rent, I’m paying $400 a month which is less than any apartment anywhere nearby.

I’m super privileged to be in the position I’m in. I don’t really have a point to make here other than to be grateful for what I have. This is a great place to be at, where I don’t have to worry about where I’m going to sleep at night, or how I can stay warm during the winter. This is a platform on which I can launch from, so I’m going to use it to the best of my ability, and not take it for granted.

I also thought about sbtp-loyalty while I walked. I was thinking two steps ahead on that project and I was getting worried/afraid about not knowing how to accomplish both steps. I caught myself catastrophising and reminded myself that I don’t need to work 2 steps ahead. Working 1 step ahead is plenty.

There’s a bunch of information that I can’t possibly know until I actually open up the Strapi documentation and figure out how to interact with Strapi’s javascript API.

The first step I was thinking of is that I need to import card data from precious-data into the strapi database. The second step is that I need incoming data from precious-data to not overwrite changes that have been made to the card data which is saved in the sbtp-cms (strapi) database.

Step two is going to be significantly easier once I actually understand how to work with strapi’s API, so I figured that step 2 is not even worth thinking about until step 1 is done. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about, because I figure things out and I solve problems. That’s what I do!

The next thing I thought about while I walked was the twitch streaming idea. My goal for the twitch stream is NOT to be technically proficient or show off my skills. I don’t even intend to finish projects on-stream because the project is secondary to the code.

The goals of the twitch stream are not to code. The goals are actually–

  • Make contact
  • Have conversations
  • Form relationships

Also I thought of the channel name, “BotLord” rather than the ambiguous, “dj_crispy”

BotLord sounds powerful, and actually made me laugh quite a bit due to how big-headded or arrogant it sounds. I think “BotLord” is going to stick in people’s heads better than, “cj_crispy” or “dj_crispy” or “grimtech” or “insanity54” or any of the other hundreds of names I’ve made for myself LOL

Ah, fuck! Botlord is taken, and it seems to be used by someone who codes! Their profile image shows a laptop with source code, but they have no videos or recent activity.

I could be BotLord_Crispy! bl_crispy lolz.

Anyway, the whole point of streaming is to actually stream, and not just think about it all the time. I need to stream, do the grind, suck at first, but I’ll get better and better each time I do it.

time for a yoga break

This is my favorite yoga video as of late.

I saw three deer as I walked today. One was a young buck and he was laying down in the grass. I saw him in the corner of my eye and he was just watching me as I walked.

There was a mom and a baby. I forget the animal specific names… Doe and fawn? Yeah. I turned a corner and they they were, the doe was probably 25 feet from me, and the fawn was 50 feet. They must not have felt threatened because they didn’t run off. I just stopped and smiled at the doe. She literally bowed at me. That made me happy and I bowed back, talking to it in a friendly manner. She walked a few steps then she stopped as if to say, “are you sure you’re not going to eat me?” and I just bowed again. She took her time walking off with her fawn, and I just took the moment to stand there and take in everything I was experiencing.

There was a monotone hum of some kind of fuel powered distant machine. There was the gentle snowfall consisting of medium sized puffy flakes. There was the cool breeze accompanied by the wind in the tree branches. There was the path before me, with layers of footsteps almost as wide as the path itself. There was the partially snow covered ground with deep green and orange vegetation poking up from below. There was the doe and the fawn gracefully making their way south through the firepit area, into the neighbor’s yard.

I just took it all in and relaxed my shoulders. My arms became warm and fuzzy as the tension from them seemed to be released. I further surrendered to the comfortable feeling and it was as if my arms had been completely renewed.

It was as if the forest spirit blessed me for my humility and patience. I didn’t move to frighten the deer. I was not in a hurry to get my steps in and get back to work. In that moment shared with the two deer, I was an equal. I yielded the area to my distant relatives, and wished them well.

Sometimes I wonder if how I act and how I think I act are very different. I think that’s a lot to think about, and might not even be possible without the help of a different perspective, like that of a video camera.

I think there are complex emotions within me, and two very different and logically conflicting emotions can be occurring simultaneously, but they are both effecting my behavior. That’s something my group therapy facilitator talked about. She references Disney’s Inside Out which explores that idea…

Yeah. Emotions. mhm. yep.

I don’t have anything else to say on that topic.

What else is there to talk about? Well today’s agenda is to basically fill in my daily progress chart. I want to get all the boxes checked, again!

Yesterday I did really well on that front. I only missed 1 box which was an Ebay/sticker box. I might actually have done 6 pomodoro sessions as planned, but I wasn’t really vigilant about actually checking in the boxes. I would go back hours later and be like, “oh yeah I didn’t check the box when I did the work” and I’d fill in the box later.

It’s very possible that I did 8 pomodoro sessions for eBay or sticker work, but I just didn’t fill them in.

I kinda repeated myself there. I think I made the point the first time, but I didn’t cover the deets until the second time. Reminder– Leave out the details in conversation!

I think I might have talked my mom’s ear off when I talked to her on Friday. I don’t think I listened enough. I want to listen more. I also think I didn’t listen well when I was talking to my therapist yesterday. She told me about Mt. Spokane and how ski season usually doesn’t start until almost Christmas, but I didn’t have much to say on that topic.

No that’s a bad example. Different example. She was talking about how Zoom meetings are going to continue until at least July 2021, and that there are some benefits to Zoom whereas there are other benefits to seeing people in-person.

I replied saying something to the extend of, “yeah there are definitely tradeoffs” which to me seems like it was me trying to end that thread of conversation. I think a better response would be to ask a question, not make a blanket summarizing statement which is something that is a TERRIBLE habit for an interviewer. Not that I’m an interviewer, but I’m figuring out that it’s a great way to kill a conversation, and it’s something that I do when I am trying to make a satisfactory response. But I’m not the one I’m trying to satisfy, I’m trying to satisfy the other person. But that’s not satisfying at all, and it’s almost offensive because it’s not me being with the person. When I do that shit, I’m putting up a barrier and trying to disconnect myself from the person in order to make me feel safe.

It’s not my fucking job to come up with satisfactory responses! It’s not my fucking job to animate my face with an unearned smile or a nod or eye contact or whatever the fuck my brain thinks the other person wants to see.

It’s my job to please myself. Please myself? that sounds… cold? Idk. It’s my job to take care of myself. Yeah I like that one better. Taking care of myself means forming relationships worth having. If the person isn’t interesting, it’s okay to not be interested and it’s okay to go away. But if I am taking the time to learn about the person and have a conversation, I’d like those interactions to be completely authentic and thereby enjoyable.

Ok I’m wrappin’ this up.

I’m grateful that ProjektMelody and Ironmouse streamed yesterday. I was happy to watch their streams and feel like I had company.

I’m grateful for the deer that I saw this morning. I was pleased to make contact with a doe and exchange bows.

I’m grateful for the snow. I’m only grateful for the snow because I don’t have to go anywhere or drive, but it’s nice to see once a year lol. It’s nice to see the snowflakes and catch one in my mouth and wonder about the unique complexity that is each one of them and think about how those water molecules ended up as a snowflake right in front of me.

97. I will do my best with whatever comes my way.
98. I have a purpose that I am fulfilling.
99. I will listen to that whisper of hope that says, ‘you can do it, try again.’













(I’m listing nice things.)

Nice things!






Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post