Tue Oct 13 2020

No sales today 🙁

I wish there were a way to reliably drive a quick sale on days like this.

I suppose there are lots of ways. I think the most reliable would be reaching out to customers and making offers. I could do that, but that’s a once a week thing for me at this point. I send offers every Thursday.

Bleh, I just wanna code and build and ship. I don’t want to have to worry about sales!

But I do, because that’s the role of a founder. A founder who is in a company of one must wear many hats!

I’m excited to see if my tweet-toot systemd service file and timer is working. systemctl list-timers shows that is has 2 hours to go. Lookin’ good!

NEXT                        LEFT          LAST                        PASSED        UNIT                         ACTIVATES                     

Tue 2020-10-13 13:30:00 PDT 2h 41min left Tue 2020-10-13 01:30:14 PDT 9h ago        tweet-toot.timer             tweet-toot.service 

The weather is shite today.

Weather report for Spokane. Light rain, mist. 39..42 deg F, wind 10mph north east. 6 mile visibility.

I’m planning on jogging in place later.

The rain let up and I went for a 2 hour walk. I took a shower and shaved too.

I’m thinking of going to CoDA tonight, because I need the social interaction. It’s 2:41 PM right now. I think I can squeeze in a nap before then.

After CoDA, I want to have a meal and list cards on eBay. I hope Ironmouse streams. Her streams are the best thing to watch while listing items on eBay.

My mind is kinda blank right now. I might be tired. Shadow tired, I think I’ll call it. It’s the feeling I get when my mind goes blank and I just kinda mindlessly zone out and repeat whatever task is at hand. I think my brain might be going half asleep during these cases, because it’s fatigued yet stimulated. It’s a strange side effect of polyphasic sleep, cured only by more sleep.

So yeah, it’s just about time for another nap. My challenge is to not eat before I nap. I have a bad habit of eating right before I want to go to sleep, which ends up causing me to not be able to sleep at all.

A PVC vent cover thingy must have blown off my roof last night. When I went outside, it was sitting there by the doorstep. Well fuck, now I gotta make time to find a ladder and get up on the roof and shove that thing back into place. Was it not glued? I’m surprised it was able to work itself out of it’s socket.

I guess it makes sense. Houses have wear and tear, and this house has been in operation for many a year now.

Oh hey, if I do CoDA this evening, does that count as my daily CBT or CoDA work? I think it should count, which makes journalling a lot easier today. More time to spend on eBay, I like it!

I wonder how many people are going to be at CoDA? Oh, I might need to get the invite code from the organizer.

Text sent. I’m sending from a new phone number. Previously I used my Burnerapp phone number, but I’ve since deprecated that app because it’s UX blows chunks for group messages, file attachments, and notifications on an phone without Google Services Framework (GSF.)

Man, my mind is wandering. I was supposed to be writing for 25 minutes, but I procrastinated that I and I researched CoDA.

Do I actually want to go to CoDA? I don’t even know. I know I want social contact. I know I don’t want to play video games. But is CoDA the right thing to do?

I’m thinking of outcomes. I don’t need to do that and it’s not helpful. Right now I’m lonely, and I could use the social interaction. I can take what I want and leave the rest. I don’t have to make a life long commitment. I don’t have to sign a pact or make a blood oath. I’m just going to the meeting because it’s what I need right now.

I don’t need to think of outcomes. I only need to think of execution. Thinking of outcomes and dwelling on the what-ifs are exactly what causes anxiety. I don’t need to fear what might happen. I’m just going to go, be present, and take in knowledge. I’m going to keep what I can use, and the rest I’ll let go.

Again, this is not a religion that I have to buy into. I can be as involved as I want to. I can set boundaries and say no.

I’m going to nap now.

I napped. I didn’t get a reply to the text to the CoDA organizer so I didn’t try to connect to CoDA. I had just woken up anyway so I was feeling pretty vulnerable and I wouldn’t have wanted to go even if I did get a response with the password.


Wellfuck, now I gotta do CBT work or something to make up for the lack of CoDA. Waaaah I wanna have fun and list on eBay but I haven’t done my self-work yet!


Developing Skills to Enhance Your Outlook

1. Do I want to change how I view my life? If so, explore your answer

Nah, I’m pretty happy where I’m at.

2. What would it take for me to live the best life I can? What would this “better” look like?

Well I want to get better at reaching out, so “better” would be me felling lonely less.

3. Take a moment to reflect on the kind of people you surround yourself with. Are these positive or negative-oriented people? Do they support or discourage me when I try something new? What do I want to do about this, if anything?

I don’t hang with anybody. Well, I hang with Melody and Ironmouse! They are really positive and supportive.

I also hang with my brothers sometimes. They are pretty neutral and we don’t really talk about hopes and dreams ever.

4. What personal qualities or characteristics can I develop or enhance to help me have a better outlook on life?

Go to therapy lol. Do daily journalling. Express gratitude.

a. How can I observe events that happen to me, not react to them, and view them as information that can guide me towards a better life?

That sounds like just a mindfulness issue. Be mindful of what my body and mind are doing, and take note on them rather than acting on them.

b. Do I let personal or societal obstacles influence my perceptions? If so, in what way? Explore how you might change these for the better.

Sure, probably, maybe… No, I think this question is influencing my perception. I’m thinking that I have to fit into some sort of category because of this question’s influence.

I’m very impressionable, even if I don’t want to be. It’s for this reason that I’m so against corporate advertising, why I don’t watch cable TV, why I run adblockers, and why I don’t go on facebook or read the trending tweets. It’s all bullshit marketing for shit I don’t need, propaganda pieces that tell me how to think, and bullshit outrage news designed to trigger my emotions and get me to click.

I don’t even know what this question is really asking so I’m just skipping it.

5. Do I focus on what I want or on what I need? In other words, is your perception towards how good life is grounded on whether you have all your needs met or on your personal wants and desires? How do each of these affect your perspective?

Well I think I made some good progress today on seeking what I need when I tried to get into the CoDA zoom meeting. Holy shit I just realized that the organizer always ignores my texts. I have been at the door of the ONE* church and I followed the instructions to text, and I never got a response to get let into the church. Someone else texted and they got a response.

I can’t be certain, but maybe I’m being ignored on purpose? Fuck that group, it shouldn’t be this hard to get into it. I’ll try a diff group.

Yeah I focus on wants a lot of the time. That’s something I haven’t thought of much, and I’ll try to pay closer attention to that.

6. What “lessons” can I learn from experiences I don’t like to help me find the “brighter” side of my situation?

Wow, that’s a poorly structured sentence and it’s obvious that English is not the author’s strong point.

I don’t know how to answer the question. Lessons learned from negative experiences are nuanced and varied. Answering what lessons I will learn in the future is silly and it’s not something that is possible to be answered.

a. I can learn to stop listening to the negative messages in my mind and to look at the possibilities this situation of life has to offer

ok? That’s not a question.

b. I can stop in the moment and think about what I can learn about myself that will make me stronger.

So these are just examples I guess? They aren’t labelled as such on the worksheet. Weirdo author.

7. Am I willing to set goals and strive to live life to the fullest? What part(s) of my life would I like to address first? who can help or support me in my efforts?

We’ve been over this. Yes, Social Support. I want to be better at reaching out for social contact when I am feeling lonely. I’ve already set the goal as part of this worksheet series. I dunno who can help other than the therapy group and the people I reach out to.

8. What are my strengths and assets? How have these helped me get this far in life? Think of some other skills, abilities, or characteristics you have developed because of your disability. IN what ways have these helped you in life? How might you enhance these abilities to have a better life?

Software knowledge, web development skills, graphics design, video editing, technical prowess, blah blah blah

They helped me have employment. They helped me serve others. Fuck shit fuck that fucking shit fack fick

I wanna go back to sleep

fuck this shit

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