Wed Apr 8 2020

berries, strawberries, bowl

6:19 PM. Just getting my day started LOL. I think I’m going to walk to the store tomorrow. It’ll take me an hour each way, I’m not really looking forward to it, but I think it might not be that bad because of the light traffic due to COVID-19.

A 2 hour walk is double what I normally walk in a day. It’ll be good exercise but I’m still not looking forward to venturing out while most people are quarantined. I’m worried about being judged LOL.

Well, I gotta go out and get food. Food is a necessity and my health will rapidly decline if I don’t eat. I figured out yesterday that no grocery delivery services accept EBT. So I’m stuck with actually traveling to the grocery stores.

I think Walmart might deliver and accept EBT, but there’s an issue with that as well. It means that a delivery driver is going to see that I paid using EBT, and come to my parent’s expensive house. The delivery driver probably makes more money than me, but they’re going to see a house which doesn’t make any sense that the occupants are on food stamps. They wouldn’t have the full story, the story that I’m a 32 year old unemployed man living with his parents, and I can’t afford to feed myself. All they would see is a nice house and a receipt which mentions EBT.

They might not even care! The payment method might not even register in their mind. I’m so worried about such a silly thing!

Anyway, I think I’ll walk to Albertsons regardless, and do my shopping in-person. It’ll be good exercise.

Travel anywhere has become a bit of a challenge. I don’t have auto insurance anymore. Perhaps I will not walk today because the walk to Albertsons and back is about double what I walk during training. I’m going to have extra weight on my shoulders on the way back, so it’ll be extra difficult walking up the hill on the way home.

My mom’s birthday is in 3 days. I’ve got the perfect gift for her. It’ll cost me nothing other than time. USB drives with family videos! I have a bunch of tapes from her old camcorder which were never transferred to DVD. I have a little USB video capture device, and all the cables I need to transfer the video to my computer. I just gotta set aside some time to do it!

A good time is now. I’m out of cards to list on eBay (except for my personal collection) and I’m trying to take it easy for a day or two. No stressful coding or eBay listing if I can help it. I’m still playing video games, but I do so for social contact and fun!

Ok then, why am I taking it easy?

I think I’ve been burning the midnight oil for the past several days. I feel mentally worn out. My sleep schedule is off. I don’t know what I want my sleep schedule to be.

My idea for today is to journal, read, study Japanese, and play video games. I hope to keep the video game session short, so I can sleep and wake up in the morning or mid-day and walk to the grocery store. I’m not going today because I don’t feel rested, and it’s already evening. Had I gone today, I’d be walking home in the dark and that is very dangerous where I live.

There’s no crime to speak of. The danger comes from cars and drivers, because many roads in this neighborhood are narrow and don’t have sidewalks.

It used to be that this area was pretty sparsely populated. There were probably farms all over the area. Heck, the neighbor’s massive front yard is partially an alfalfa field.

I live on South Chapman. In the past 15 years or so, a bunch of new housing developments popped up on North Chapman. In the past 5, a new housing development has popped up a block west on North Conklin.

All these new houses and traffic were added, but the road wasn’t upgraded to new standards in most places. There are a few stretches which got widened and a sidewalk added, but that was literally only an 850 foot stretch out of a road which goes 3 miles. I appreciate that 850 feet of improvement, but the hill right below it is especially narrow and dangerous for anything other than cars!

I had another nightmare this morning. My family and I were meeting at a local wildlife preserve to do some hiking. The spot had no public parking available, and the trailhead started right in the middle of a neighborhood. We had a bunch of people going to this hiking trip so we arranged to park at a house in the neighborhood. A stranger in the neighborhood agreed to let us park in his garage while we went hiking.

I think we went hiking then my brother D. and I went back to the car in the neighbor’s garage. We were in the garage and the door shut on us. We tried to open the door, but it immediately closed after it began to open. All the doors were locked. We were trapped in the garage.

The neighbor man came into the garage from his house. He had a mean look on his face, and he carried with him a utility knife. He checked over his shoulders, left to right, and looked through he window in the door which led to his back yard before approaching D. with the knife.

I knew he was up to no good, and I wasn’t about to let D. get sliced by the man, so I jumped at him and put my own utility knife to his throat.

“I bet you didn’t think I had a knife of my own!”

I was scared. The man had just tried to kill my brother, and now we had a knife standoff. His knife was at my belly, my knife was at his throat.

He explained that he didn’t want us there. Even though he had agreed to let us park at his house, he hated us and people like us. Anybody who hiked must have made it on his shit list.

I argued that he was letting us be there. He could have said no, and there was no reason for him to agree to let us park at his home if he wasn’t keen on the idea.

He wasn’t backing down. Neither was I. If I backed down, he would just go for my brother. In the choice between me or D. dying, I chose me.

I wasn’t about to lose, either. If I died at the hands of this hateful man, D. would be next. I was the only one armed, and this was my move to save us, or at least D.

He escalated the situation and began cutting me. I responded in kind and sliced where I thought his jugular would be.

It wasn’t working. He was bleeding a little, but the knife was either in the wrong place, or not going deep enough to inflict major damage. I felt like I was losing. I was increasingly fearful that he had gained the upper hand. I would go down from loss of blood, and D. would be next.

I woke up in a pool of sweat, afraid of the dream which felt like a reality I could experience.

I wasn’t satisfied. I felt like I was losing and powerless within the dream. I immediately stood up and acted out a winning scenario. A strong repurchase of the knife handle in my hand, and a deep powerful slice to jugular vein. I imagined in my mind an immediate loss of blood pressure in the attacker’s body, and imagined him collapsing at my feet.

I imagined our unlocking of the doors and hasty escape, followed by a call to 911 from a safe location. Ambulance and police cars outside the man’s home, and a trip to the hospital for myself.

I wonder what justice would look like in that situation. I suppose it would be that the victim ends up killing the assailant who had intended to kill. We weren’t trespassers or transgressers, we were guests in the social contract that we had formed with the man.

I wondered what it would mean for the man to have survived being cut in the throat, later recovering in the hospital. Would I have it in me to forgive the man? Would he even recognize his wrongs?

These are all fascinating ideas, and none of them have a correct answer. I imagined this whole scenario. I could imagine all sorts of behaviors, each with a different result and justifiable response on my part.

I have been dreaming many dreams like this in the past few months. I think it is partially due to the work I’ve been doing in behavioral therapy. I have a fear of being vulnerable. Social interaction, a skill I seek to acquire, requires a lot of vulnerability.

My dreams tend to bring out my deepest fears, the fear of being hopelessly vulnerable. Not just the vulnerability of feeling shame or social discomfort, but a type of vulnerability which is life or death.

I hope these bad dreams stay dreams! That’s all I can really do about them. I suppose there are lessons to be learned. Today’s lesson is that I appreciated my lack of hesitation in defending my brother. I felt that I had the choice in the dream to do nothing, or delay, and that would have meant that physical harm would have come to my brother.

I hesitate about a lot of things. I hesitate to walk to the grocery store. I hesitate to make phone calls. I hesitate to do something courageous to improve my life situation. I hesitate to ask for help. I hesitate to say hello. I hesitate to get to know people. I hesitate to clean my apartment. I hesitate to take care of myself.

I have lots of hesitations. It could be that they are defense mechanisms, or they could be that I’m a net addict or it could be that I’m scared. I didn’t hesitate in my dream and I would do the same thing if a similar situation occurred in the waking realm.

It feels good to write about these things. Emotions. It feels good to feel.

How come so many movies when people cry, there’s usually someone saying, “don’t cry, don’t cry.”

That’s bullshit! Cry. Crying is good for you. Crying will help you get over whatever the thing is that’s causing you the sadness, or happiness.

Crying feels like throwing up sometimes. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to be emotional or feel sad or feel the vulnerability associated with crying among friends or family. But it’s okay to cry.

I made some oatmeal. I’m outta rice. Oh wait, I think I have about 3/4 cup of rice left. Anyway, tomorrow is a perfect time to visit the grocery store!

Did I mention that I’m not going to exercise today, because tomorrow I will be walking about double what I normally walk in a day? Yeah, I think I already said that.

Ok so my thought is that I will buy a bicycle once the quarantine is lifted. I’ll sell my Suburban and get a nice bike. Maybe even electric! It’ll be my daily driver and I can get it maintained every few months at one of the local bike shops. Anyway, no auto insurance ever again! Well, I want to drive again eventually, because I want to live in a trailer. I suppose I could live in a manufactured home, and not have to worry about hauling my home. Anyway, that’s something to figure out in the future.

Right now, I want to figure out what I need to shop for tomorrow.

  • Rice. Definitely. I’ve been eating brown rice lately and I really enjoy it.
  • Oatmeal. This is an easy to make meal and very nutritious.
  • Raisins and nuts. Multiple uses. Snacking or goes great with oatmeal!
  • Chocolate Granola. This is the perfect snack for fueling up! I might be hungry after walking to the store.
  • Carrots. My curry is not the same without them!
  • Potatoes. Same as above!

I think that’s just about everything I can carry in my large backpack. See what I mean? Driving is a good thing for keeping stocked up on groceries. Just imagine me stuffing a #10 can into my backpack. I could carry maybe two of those, and that would make for an uncomfortable walk or ride home!

Smart car. That is my dream car right now. Small apartment and a Smart car! Or maybe I get a trailer first? No, trailer comes after I have a reliable method for bringing in $$$. I have not designed such a method yet, but it’s in the works with my eBay store, and I’m happy and hopeful about it!

I’m grateful for the idea of pulling my self-deprecating thoughts as if they are weeds. This thought process is something I made a habit because I believed that I was not worthy of the good stuff. I know better now. I deserve happiness and love and belonging!

I’m grateful for satellite imagery, namely that of the US Geological Survey, Maxar Technologies, and USDA Farm Service Angency! I guess I could just say I’m greatful for Google Maps, because that’s how I planned tomorrows outing and the route I will take. Props for mapping technology!

I’m grateful for easy to make recipes and yummy survival food. Vegetable curry is so delicious and it never seems to get old! There are so many variations and cooking is an enjoyable art!

45. I release myself from my anger.
46. I love who I am.
47. I will aloow peace to fill my soul.

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