Wed Aug 26 2020

1:55 PM. I was up at 7:30 and I packed and shipped another FREEDOM! book. There seems to be an uptick in these books, which is a nice change. I think I have around 5 more of these books and I sell them for $5.95 plus shipping.

I just went on a vocal rant about the re-merging church and state, and how people reap what they sow when they complain about cancel culture. It was inelequent and flawed but I figure that I’m just working out my opinion on the topic. There is absolutely no problem with inelequent thoughts at this point!

I liken this process to something that a comedian must go through as they work a rough new bit into a polished piece of humor.

Or a politician! Joe Rogan says pres. Trump does standup. A big part of what makes politicians popular is how well they can speak in front of crowds. I think there are a lot of parallels between comedians and politicians in that regard.

Back to the cancel culture point I was coming up with– Facebook, Google, and the other mega corps who have a large stake in the internet have been making gross human rights and privacy violations for years. Cancel culture is a summation of these violations, and the users of FB and Goog are now reaping what they sowed.

The solution isn’t to shame the companies into appeasing the users or because the users aren’t the megacorp’s constituents. The constituents are usually advertisers and the users are the product.

The point is that the tool to fight the gross privacy and human rights violations are to boycott the platforms.

That’s all I’ll say on the topic because I don’t care to get into it right now! I did so for several minutes verbally as I developed my opinion on the topic, but now I am over it and I want to talk about something else.

I’m thinking of getting a CNC cutting machine, and some adhesive vinyl. I could make my own stickers that way.

I’m thinking about getting something like that, which I can use to create products. I’m thinking of getting a bunch of VOCALOID color vinyl, then I could make an eBay listing with a bunch of sticker variations. Blue/green Miku, blue KAITO, red MEIKO, Yellow Rin & Len, Pink Luka.

I could use outlines gathered from creative-commons artworks, or pay some artists to create original works.

The thing with original works is that a vinyl cutter is not the perfect tool to use. I would want a full digital printer for a custom sticker with a nice VOCALOID art piece.

I’m having a hard time deciding what sort of machine I would get!

I’m pre-allocating my stimulus check, you see! 😆

The idea is to amplify my earning potential by spending money on an item which can produce product which I can sell.

I could start sending out cute little sakura Miku stickers rather than the smiley face stickers that I send out with every order.

It’s simple to make sakura miku stickers with vinyl– Just cut out pink vinyl!

Yeah, maybe the CNC cutter is the right move. It doesn’t make nasty fumes that I would have to somehow vent. It could cut outlines for stickers once I get a proper color printer.

I wonder what kind of printer I would need to do high quality vinyl stickers? I have to research this ASAP!

I’m tempted to do it now, but I know what will happen if I do. I will shove off the responsibility of writing in my journal, doing CBT, and listing product on eBay. I can’t be doing that because I’ve been doing that all day!

It’s 5:06PM. So far, I have only done 1 thing on my daily progress chart– exercise.

I like to have a bunch of things checked off by now. Yesterday, I had 5 items checked by now.

Oh well, I’m not going to make a big deal about that. I am on the right track right now, and that’s all that matters.

Today I woke up at 7:30 and packed and shipped an order. I received a message and handled a custom order from another customer, then I jumped into redesigning the EPN functionality of my green-seller project.

I spent way too long on that code, and I observed myself simply working on code because it gives me a dopamine hit, rather than working to make progress. I noticed that I was incredibly tired. If I were doing sutra chanting, I would have been struggling to hold a note, struggling to stay awake.

Yet there I was, wasting time on a problem in my code that I knew I could solve immediately had I just been more rested.

I eventually cut myself off from the code, and I went back to sleep.

I woke at 1:55 and I started writing in my journal, but the first line of text I wrote, I realized that I could create an eBay affiliate link for this blog post to promote my listing for Adam Kokesh’s FREEDOM book.

My green-seller EPN link generator modification was in an unfinished state, and I was not able to quickly create a link.

Instead of doing it manually on the eBay EPN site, I jumped back into the green-seller code and tried to fix the problem.

More hours were sunk into trying to fix the problem, and I wasn’t getting anywhere. At that point, I hadn’t done any self-care work like journalling or exercise or meditation, and I again found myself simply staring at code to get dopamine.

I was jumping to the part where I optimize the code I wrote, before I had even finished step one of making the code work.

I was stuck because I was working on too many things at once. I was trying to write code which handled parameter validation, parameter shaping, and data processing all in the same call. That’s not a good way to write code, but I was not even aware of those three separate issues, I was just kindof mashing things together and hoping they would work.

Again I exercised mindfulness and realized what I was doing. I was distracting myself from writing, and I was being irresponsible by doing things which don’t produce results.

For me to have results, and have a good day, I have to take baby steps and take care of myself. I was not taking care of myself by staring at the code for several hours today. I’m starting to realize that BREAKS from working are absolutely imperitive because they give me a mental refresh and a reset that is impossible to have when I’m sitting and staring.

I went to Fred Meyer and got some vitamin D, as well as some groceries. The exercise of the ride was exactly what I needed.

So Delicious Bananas Foster Dairy Free Frozen Dessert

I just ate a whole pint of this stuff. I had to tweet my sister about it because it is TOO GOOD! I was like, “Maybe I’ll eat just half” but then NOPE. Downed that whole thing. Daily saturated fat intake for today and tomorrow is SATISFIED!

LOL, I don’t really have to worry about saturated fat, because of how sparingly I eat fat sources. If anything, I should be focusing on eating more saturated fat, because my meals are often too lean to the point where I worry about getting the nutrients I need.

I’m splurging and it’s not a good idea. Yesterday I found $1700 worth of Bitcoin in a paper wallet backup. I didn’t know I had that bitcoin, so now I feel like I have some breathing room.

All it does is buy me a few more months. After that, I’m still going to be in a bad place unless I do something to increase my daily average income.

That’s why I’m starting to think about investing in a printer or a cnc cutter. Ideally I’d like a laser cutter, but then I have to extract and vent fumes which is going to be a challenge in this apartment. I suppose I could make a cutout in the wood panels that I custom made for the window A/C unit. That’s probably the best way to go about it.

I’d have to clear some space where my bookshelf is right now, but that’s not a big deal. That whole corner could use a reorganization and a clean. That corner is what I like to call, “the void” because it never gets attention and it’s just a place that I pile shit that I don’t know what to do with.

There’s an easyup canopy in there that I bought for when I host airsoft games. I don’t do that anymore, so I want to get rid of it. I don’t want to sell it because the dimensions and weight would be too difficult and costly to ship. I’m thinking I’m just going to gift it to my brother B. for Christmas because he could use it for when he goes shooting.

I think B. is at a place in his life where he doesn’t like to purchase infrastructure things like storage containers or organization things… Actually that might not the the case anymore, because he’s been doing a lot of organization lately like buying shelves and storage containers for his gun stuff.

He’s got a baby on the way so he probably has to care about that sort of thing.

Anyway, he doesn’t like to work on his house at all, or do yard work. His lawn is completely forgotten and it’s been nothing but weeds for a few years. He and J. have had this idea to transform the front yard to a rocky landscape display. They made plans to do it weeks ago, but their yard is in limbo. It’s just dirt. It’s been dirt for like a month now.

Neither he nor his wife like doing that sort of work, and it makes sense. They both have jobs and probably the last thing on their mind when they come home is to have to work on the yard or the house.

They would benefit from a home cleaner lol. I think anybody would, but out of my entire family, they’re the ones I think of who would benefit the most.

I get it, I’ve been there. In a lot of ways, I’m still there. My apartment door has been sagging and partially broken for years. I haven’t done jack shit about it. The exterior paint is chipped and the underlying is exposed in several places. I haven’t done jack shit. I’ve got mold in the wall in my shower and I haven’t done jack shit.

I’m terrible at cleaning and it’s all because I don’t like to experience uncomfortable feelings. I don’t want to have to focus on scrubbing or scraping or painting. I don’t want to feel dirty or dusty or get paint on me. I don’t want to research how to cut a hole in drywall. I don’t want to make the trips to the hardware store. I don’t want to pay for the hardware. I don’t want to fix the door because I’m not a handyman, I’m a software developer!

I want someone else to do it.

I don’t have the funds to pay someone to do it, so it just doesn’t get done.

And it won’t get done for a long time, is what I’m assuming. I’m just now starting to make cleaning a habit as part of my daily progress chart. Maybe I could make home improvement a habit, eventually?

Maybe. Right now, it’s just too uncomfortable to even think about. Picking up a hammer or a drill summons some of the worst feelings imaginable, on par with getting cavities filled at the dentist.

That’s where I’m at. I might change in the future, but other things have to come first. Things like getting enough to eat and reducing my social anxiety.

2000 words written! I’m going to continue, and jump into the next CBT worksheet.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Wow, WordPress added some fancy headers!

I’m just going to leave that default Don Quixote image 😆

3. Personalization

I can’t say I relate to this thinking style too much. It’s all about relating external negative events to something I have or have not done.

I recognize personalization as a codependent behavior. There’s an example on the worksheet–

Your child plays a wrong note at a concert, and you blame yourself for not making him practice harder.

That’s such a codependent behavior! It’s not your fault that your child made a mistake– that’s your child’s fault! If you are forceful as a parent, you might just be damaging your relationship with your child. Maybe your child doesn’t want to be a musician! Are you forcing them because of something in your past, some skill lacking in your own life, and you don’t want your child to have be missing the same thing?

I’m just going to move on to the next thinking style, because I can’t relate to personalization that much.

4. Catastrophising

I can relate to catastrophising quite a bit! Catastrophising is when I immediately jump to the worst possible outcome.

I can’t go to social gatherings because I won’t be able to open up, nobody will like me, I’ll say something stupid and regret it, I’ll make a fool of myself, I’ll stink and I’ll poop my pants.

I’m laughing at the ridiculousness of that catastrophized thought 😂

The thing is, I often think of such outcomes– thankfully not all at once! Perhaps I should think of all the worst case scenarios all at once– that might actually help me get past the thought by converting fear into humor!

5. Black & White Thinking

Situations I can think of where I used black & white thinking is in the past when I thought about making improvements in my life.

I can’t get better at software development because I will never be the best. (never as good as TJ) I might as well not try.

Comparison might actually be a different thought style, so I put it in parentheses rather than part of the actual quote. I think the two are related, though!

When I think in terms of black & white, It’s usually because I’m experiencing shame. I have to be as good as someone else, or I have to be PERFECT in order to please someone (like my dad.) Fear of displeasing someone I care about, fear of disconnection, shame of being less than perfect.

6. ‘Shoulding’ and ‘Musting’

I became hyper aware of “shoulding” after reading I Thought It Was Just Me by Brené Brown.

“I should get a new job”

…is something I said to myself so many times, without making any effort in moving towards that goal. Thankfully, I dropped my ‘shoulding’ habit. Now, I think I’m a little better at setting goals and intermediate goals and making small, daily progress towards those goals.

“I should get my car fixed”

…is something I often said. I put off actually getting my car fixed until it would break down.

Did I actually want a well maintained car? Did I want to put in the work necessary? Usually the answer was no. I just wanted to shirk the responsibility and let someone else deal with it.

What are the feelings behind shoulding and musting? Is

Handy dandy feelings list

Inept, perhaps? I felt inept about being able to fix my car, so I accepted that and didn’t bother fixing the car?

Pestered. I felt pestered at having to deal with the issue. I felt resistant against the change that dealing with the issue would bring about. I felt burdened by the idea of having to deal with an uncomfortable feeling that dealing with the issue would cause, such as having to talk to new people or make a phone call to a stranger. I felt insecure about making a change or dealing with those uncomfortable feelings, so I would ignore the problem entirely.


And that’s it for today!

Here’s some affirmations, gratitude, and I’m off to do some meditation!

52. I choose to be brave and tell others if I need support.
53. I have the power to control my reactions to the challenges I will face.
54. I am becoming healthier each and every day.

While I was eating ice cream today, I thought of something to be grateful for. I can’t remember what it was, so I guess I will say that I am grateful for mindfulness. Actually, I think mindfulness was the thing I expressed gratitude for!!

Earlier today, I was grateful that I had been mindful of myself being an irresponsible coder who was more focused on getting a dopamine hit from staring at a monitor, rather than actually getting work done or taking care of himself. It was mindfulness that helped me to observe my actions and my behaviors and rectify the situation.

I’m grateful for icecream! I think I say this one a lot, so I’ll expand the gratitude to the high availability of food. I’m grateful that the grocery stores are well stocked. Even during the height of the COVY panic, there was still a plentiful amount of food to be found in every store. Rice and beans might have been missing, but there was plenty of canned food, produce, snacks and other food available. I’m grateful that I don’t have to go hungry. I have been making due for months now, and a big part of that is how plentiful food is our culture.

I’m grateful for utility blades. They get dull after awhile, and all it takes is a quick blade change and it’s good as new! No extra sharpening tools required!

That was kind of a strange thing to be thankful for. It might have been a cop-out, because I just looked around my desk for something to be thankful for.

In reality, I am thankful for it! I bought this knife at a garage sale in Liberty Lake a few years ago. That was a fun outing with my brother B.! I am grateful that I had that experience and I hope to do it again soon!

I’ll have to invite B. to the next Liberty Lake garage sale event. The next one post-COVY is sure to have some excellent deals as people try to clear their unneeded junk! It would be a great time to get some inventory for my eBay store.

And with that, I end today’s post. Excelsior!

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post