Wed Dec 11 2019 @ 9:12 AM PST

I’m supposed to be in counseling right now. I left the house about 10 minutes before 9 and the first thing I realized when I opened the door was that four inches of snow had fallen.

“This is not good.”

I quickly got the engine started in my suburban and I brushed a layer of snow off the important windows. Next I scraped off the ice. There is a lot of area to defrost on a 95 suburban, so I resigned myself to be late.

Once I finally got my vehicle safe to drive, I took off down the driveway. I noticed my driver side rear view mirror was still frosted over so I stopped and scraped that off. I pulled out into the road and was met with instant dread.

It was very slick. I took it slow down the first hill and approached the first stop sign. I pressed the brakes like I normally do and I just slid. I wasn’t going fast enough to slide into the intersection, but I knew this wasn’t going to be a successful trip.

My anti lock brakes have not worked for about two years. Last winter season, driving was sketchy as fuck. I recall one instance where I blew through a red light because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop in time. Luckily it had just changed from yellow to red, so it was still clear. It could have been a lot worse as there was a stopped car ready to pull out.

Today, I slid a ways past the stop sign and off to the side of the road. I flipped on my hazard lights, put it in park, and decided the best thing to do would be to cancel my appointment. Firstly I wanted to clear the road, so I switched into 4WD and found a better place to pull of the road and make a call.

I don’t plan on driving anymore this winter. My brakes are shot, my snow tires are not mounted, my auto insurance is expired, and I’m just not confident driving in the snow.

I’ll use those three things as an excuse. If I have to go somewhere, it’ll be via carpool or walking.

Walking will suck. Snowplows don’t do anything to unobstruct walkways. If anything, they make walkways worse.

One more reason to buy a Tesla Model 3!

Only Tesla Model 3’s are for people with incomes!

I’m definitely going to get worse before I get better. I should be happy that I can’t travel now. I don’t want to leave the house and this gives me one more reason not to!

I have to go on walks though. My clinician ordered me to do so. I feel bad though. Now K. doesn’t have a client during this timeslot. Hopefully I don’t make things bad for her.

I got rescheduled for Monday the 23rd.

Today I will make more great progress on Jepurdee. Yesterday I made great strides on the game host controls. Now the host is able to remotely trigger route changes on the Jumbotron between /game/:gameId and /game/:gameId/answer. I also created a 3 beep timeout sound like the one that plays on Jeopardy when no player buzzes in.

I made two variants. Neither of them sound super close to the Jepardy! timeout sound, but they are similar enough to where I think it gets the point across. I prefer Timeout.ogg at this point, because it’s so pleasant sounding. Timeout2.ogg seems a little too harsh. Which one do you think is better?

I’ll be making some more sound effects as I implement the code to handle the relevant situations in game.

The situation that comes to mind is the clock ticking sound when the players write their answer during final jeopardy. That one will be fun to make because it’s got a very recognizable music track that goes along with it.

The nice thing about making game sound effects is that they can become multi purpose. I love making sound effect packs which mimic the sound effects found in popular video games. I made a counter-strike sound effect pack a few years ago, and published it on That’s a great website.

Hey, 14 downloads on my counter-strike sound effect pack! LOL. The one sound effect with ratings has 2/5 stars. I didn’t put that much effort into that pack LOL.

To be fair, I meant for people to add their own effects to the voice samples. A two-way-radio degradation effect for example. I would probably get better ratings if I added that effect myself, since most people probably can’t be bothered to do so. But that’s not who it’s for! I published the samples hoping a game designer would grab them for use in their game. Any solid game designer would need to tweak a publicly sourced audio file to match their game.

I don’t know why I’m defending myself because of a single 2/5 star rating. That was just one person who rated that way. It’s no big deal.

You know what is a big deal? Hatsune Miku. Check out this ADORABLE image I’m using as my wallpaper!

Sooooo cute!

Some members of the VOCALOID Discord server were editing Santa hats onto their profile pictures. I followed suit and here’s what I came up with. Firstly, I’ll show you my regular profile pic.

And now the santa hat version

I re positioned Miku’s left twintail so it wasn’t protruding from the side of the hat. I’m pretty happy with the result. Any imperfections are barely noticeable because Discord profile pics are scaled so small, and masked with a circle.

I feel bad. I just realize that, “bad” is a bad noun. Adjective? Both. It’s not very descriptive.

I feel guilty. I could have made my appointment this morning if I had left the house 30 minutes before my appointment, instead of 10 minutes before my appointment.

K. is gracious enough to be helping me and I didn’t make it to my appointment.

I guess the only thing I can do is resolve to not let it happen again.

I should be arriving 30 minutes prior to my appointment. Which means I should leave 1 hour prior to my appointment! I can lollygag in town near the counseling office. I can practice the activity of living out of my truck which I so desperately fantasize about.

Now would be a great time to live out of my truck. I would migrate south for the season. Fuck snow.

Random Miku gravure shot! This one comes from the excellent @miut_dayo on Twitter. It seems they have been experimenting with fabric simulation software as of late.

This experimentation is much appreciated and very welcome. Miku deserves the best clothes and the utmost care!

I’m distracted. I should be writing my thoughts and my feelings but I’ve got Miku on the mind.

Such is my life!

Yesterday I walked for 45 minutes. I’m supposed to do that 5 times a week. Anyway, I was feeling depressed. I stopped in my tracks and looked down at the ground. I had a solemn thought; I wanted to fall over, face first, completely collapse and just die right there.

I have had this thought once before. I did the same thing, stopped walking, and couldn’t proceed.

What made me think of this is the thought of having to continue working for my dad. Or working for anybody really. I’ve had so many shit jobs in the past few years, that I just wanted to be done living. I’d rather die right then and there than work any more shit jobs that day or anytime in the future.

The first time this happened, when I was petrified during a walk like this, I named one thing that I wanted to keep living for. Every time I named something, I would take one step.

“I want to live to release Jepurdee on Christmas eve.”

I sat there with one foot in from of another and thought some more.

“I want to live to give M. a hug.”

I took another step.

“I want to live to play Project Diva”

I took a step.

Any onlooker would have been so confused. I was walking in slow motion, with complete pauses between each step. I kept naming things, even if they were small things. I can’t remember most of them, but I’ll just make some up which are keeping me going right now.

I want to live to play Squad with B. I want to live to beat Advent of Code next year. I want to live to beat Divinity: Original Sin 2 with B. I want to live to play Divinity: Original Sin 1 or 2 with D. I want to live to Rollerblade with M. I want to live to make love with Miku. I want to live to make jokes with my vocaloid loving pals on Discord. I want to live to download the next MitchieM track. I want to live to eat at Allie’s Vegan Pizzeria.

That’s a good enough list for now. When I was petrified in this manner, I eventually named enough things to where I was feeling pestered walking in slow motion, and I decided to resume walking normally.

I’ve done this twice so far, where I’ve experienced a wave of depression sweep over me while I was on a walk.

I feel so alone. Life feels so pointless. I don’t feel loved.

I can say that Miku loves me, but that’s the same thing as saying god* loves me. Neither are a substantial love.

Five love languages are

  • receiving gifts
  • quality time
  • words of affirmation
  • acts of service
  • physical touch

No, I take that back. Miku’s love is less substantial love than that received from another human.

Or maybe Miku’s love is the same as a human’s love, and I’m just numb. Maybe Miku’s love is GREATER than that of a human’s, and I’m senseless.

I’ll see sad things and I want to cry, but I hold back. I’ll see happy things and I want to cry, but I’ll hold back.

I’ll see outrageous things and I want to smash things. But I hold back.

How does one express anger in a positive way? Maybe I should ask K. about this.

One thing I want to mention before I go. Yesterday when I was petrified and couldn’t continue walking. The most compelling thing that kept me going, and actually got me fired up, was a multivitamin containing B12 and the thought that I will become a web developer, or I will die. I was on fire with that thought and that nutrition!

Ok that’s it for now. That doesn’t really feel like 1700 words, but WordPress says it is. I’m going to make some oatmeal and eat some B12.


*I don’t believe in god, I’m just using this as an example because I view Miku in the same way many god believers view god.

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