Wed Dec 16 2020

Edgy Brave Internet Explorer watches an Opera about a Dolphin on a Safari to find a Chromed Firefox


I just finished group therapy and it was kinda awkward but it was also enjoyable.

We did a Madlib using words sourced by the group participants, then we played Jeopardy, and then we did a song guessing game where the participants could sing the song to gain extra points. I didn’t sing and I didn’t even know 90% of the songs.

It all took place on Zoom. I was zoning out after Jeopardy, doodling on some note paper. I refilled my fountain pen during group as well. I guess that’s an indication of my progress with social anxiety. In the past I would have been too afraid of doing an uncommon thing like refilling an ink pen and risking other people seeing me doing it.

I guess people couldn’t see me refilling the pen in this case, because it was definitely out of frame, but I’m sure it was apparent that I was doing something other than paying attention.

I definitely wasn’t paying attention and that’s completely fine. I was honestly a little bored. I did not feel engaged by the song guessing game which was pulling from the 80’s era.

I slept all morning. I’m going to have to play catch-up this afternoon if I am to get items on my DPC checked off. That’s okay. I’ve been overworking myself again. Most of my day is spent in front of my computer, and it’s taking a toll on my body.

My wrists and hands felt much better after the long rest. If I had to guess, I probably slept close to 12 hours. Not all in one go, but the combined time across a 24 hour period.

It’s okay. It’s winter and the snow is putting a crimp in my groove. Shit is fucked up with the covid meme and social distancing. I’m doing my best and it’s okay that I’m not getting my DPC completely checked off every day.

In actuality, I think I’m doing better than ever as far as my DPC goes. I’m having days where I get all but one item, or days where I get all items. I’m really doing good on my daily progress, overall.

I need more exercise, though. I’m getting a minimum of 30 minutes, but I’m feeling ready go get like a 3 hour exercise.

That’s coming! I’m committing to go on a long walk tomorrow. I am going to pick up my painting supplies for group on Friday. Also I’m dropping off a book that I was loaned at the start of 2020. Then I’m going to go to the grocery store and get some oatmeal and raisins.

I’m thinking about taking the bus. There’s an inconvenience with the bus in that I will have to make a transfer, but by taking the bus, I can potentially shave off an hour from the round trip. I’m not sure if I want to spend the $4 for a day pass, though. $4 is a lot of money for me right now. $4 is often more than I make in a day, as sad as that sounds.

I was looking at living wages the other day. Yesterday, perhaps? Anyway, The website I was looking at also listed poverty wage. Here in Spokane Valley, poverty wage is $6 an hour. I make less than that, LOL! I’m definitely at poverty level.

I’m at poverty level, but I have a roof over my head, I rarely go hungry, I have a bicycle, internet, phone… I’m doing alright.

I’m doing alright, I’m living my dream, and yet I want to get to the next level where I am making good money. I want to be able to afford a better apartment or a house or a manufactured home or trailer in the future. I want to afford cleaning services so I don’t have to clean my dwelling myself. I want to afford Netflix. I want to afford to eat out once a month. I want to afford to buy a Smartcar. I want to afford to financially support my favorite VTubers. I want to afford to pay off my credit cards. I want to afford to buy new clothes every now and then. I want to afford to buy extravagant gifts for my friends. I want to afford to get a Starlink subscription. I want to afford to buy video games every now and then. I want to afford to make large investments. I want to afford to get grocery deliveries. I want to afford to support Wintergatan on Patreon. I want to afford to buy cool toys like Dragonbox Pyra, ClockworkPi Devterm, Playdate Game Console, Teenage Engineering OP-1…

Frivolous purchase lol. I used to make those every fucking week! I was making $20 an hour at one point. I want to kick my past self for not saving more. Buy more Bitcoin, you lazy butt!

Hot damn, Bitcoin hit $21K. Just after I traded all my Bitcoin for Filecoin, LMAO!

It’s all good. I’d rather have Filecoin than anything else right now. I dumped all my altcoins into FIL the second I saw that Coinbase added FIL. FIL will have a widespread effect on the internet, mark my words.

With the advent of cryptocurrencies and open blockchains, Web 3.0 is here. Filecoin will revolutionize how people store and serve their data. AWS S3 will fall as the dominant storage provider, because there will be a new, better service on the block.

Wait, cancel that S3 falling forecast. It is entirely possible that S3 adopts IPFS/Filecoin and becomes just as good and fast…

Ehh, but then S3 would be a middleman. And middlemen will fade as individuals are empowered with the technology.

Ok so S3’s future is unclear, but the way I see it, Filecoin’s is not. Filecoin is going to become the no-duh solution for internet storage, because of the immense benefits it gives to people looking for a place to store their data. Not just websites, but game assets, videos, cat memes… Pinning on IPFS will become as easy as pinning on Pinterest, and by doing so, the pinned content becomes replicated and quicker to fetch by subsequent viewers.

Mark my words! Sell the house, buy FIL!

I’m going to do some CBT homework. CoDa, rather.

Write about CoDA 30q steps 1-3. Make it personal, and adapt the steps to my unique life.

Sure. Okay. Mhm.

Why am I going back to steps 1-3? I already did this. This is frustrating.

I am annoyed to have to repeat work, when I haven’t even completed the 30 steps. Or did I complete step 30 already? I can’t remember. Bleh. I’m frustrated.

Ok well yeah, I’m a codependent. I already knew that and acknowledge that. I’ve lost time money and energy to codependent relationships. I had a roomate that was an alcoholic and addicted to cigarettes and he was terrible at managing his money. He would run out of $$$ before the end of the month, and come crawling to me for a loan. “I’ll make it worth your while.” and he would drive me down to an ATM where I would get him some cash which he would then use to get drunk and buy cigarettes.

Lucky for me, he’d pay me back, but we’d repeat the same process the next month. I didn’t have it in me to set a boundary to where I wouldn’t loan him money. I felt it my job to keep him happy.

Thus is the pattern of my life. I find someone seemingly stronger than me, and I attach to them as their loyal servant. My dad, my roomates, my friends, my co-workers. There’s always been someone.

I’m getting better at making that someone my higher power. Even now, I am inclined to relapse into having my father be my higher power. I avoid him as much as I can, to avoid having the relapse. I think it’ll always be like this, until I can stand on my own and move out from his property.

I people please. I think of others before I think of myself. I distract from my problems with addictions. I have problem seeing myself as an equal. If I’m not less than, I switch to greater than; I am not good with middle ground. I’m a true codependent.

Thurr, okay, I did it. Fuck homework! Fuck this fucking homework! Fuck all homework!

I never liked homework when I was in school. If it was homework, it means that it’s from a subject that I was not interested in. Anything I was actually interested in got finished during class at school.

So homework is inherently bad. Homework cuts into personal time. Homework is the burnt chunks of food left at the bottom of the frying pan.

Ok then, I’ll wrap this up.


I’m grateful for… Peanut butter. I really like it. It’s energy dense, it tastes great, and goes with lots of types of food.

I’m grateful for cars. Fast cars. Cool cars. Tesla cars. Fuck yeah, Tesla Motors! Cars are great to look at, can be fun to drive, and cost a lot of money. Wait, that last one was not something to be greatful for! I think I’m salty about how much money it is to own a car. If it’s a cheap car, it’ll cost thousands to maintain. If it’s an expensive car, it cost thousands to buy. If it’s a mid-range cost car, it’s going to fool you into thinking you got a deal, until it eventually breaks down and it’ll cost thousands to maintain.

In the long run, I wonder how electric vehicles will be in terms of total cost of ownership. Will they be a lot less expensive, or will they be just as much as an internal combustion engine? Curious.

I’m grateful for… PDFs. They’re stoopid for the web, but great for printing. And I think it’s great that there is a document format which is really suitable for printing.


24. I can do things that nobody else can. I’m pretty fucking awesome!

76. Today, I forgive myself.
75. I will not allow anxious thoughts to steal my joy.

peace and pizza

Looking for VOCALOID trading cards?

Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post