wow very nice my dude

I couldn’t sleep last night and now I feel like shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I need some CBD oil to relax my muscles at night. I have been repeating this phrase for months. I need to go and buy the CBD oil already so I can sleep! So annoying to not be able to sleep. And it doesn’t even make sense that I cannot. I’m tired. I worked out during the day. I was very productive, and yet sleep evades me.

I turned down the temperature so my body would naturally want to sleep. I don’t get it.

Maybe I should have ate more. I think I only ate two small meals yesterday.

You know what it probably is? My circadian rhythm. I have not been keeping that consistent. When I do, sleep comes at almost the same time every night.

But this is a very hard thing for me to do. It involves waking up at the same time every day. And in order to wake up at the same time every day, I have to wake up early. I’m having a hard time coming up with words to explain this. Some days I wake up earlier than others because I have appointments to make. This is not good. I should instead wake up at 6 or 7 AM so I can schedule appointments at 8 or 9, and this way I always wake up at the same time regardless of whether or not I have an appointment.

Right now, I’ll wake up at 11AM normally, so having appointments at 9 really fuck my schedule.

I like to wake up early. It means I get to take a nap in the afternoon. It means I get a lot done while the day is young. Sometimes I check off my entire todo list before noon PM!

I generally feel more productive as an early riser. I like to get up and do work right away, as that sets the tone for the day. In the past, I would get up and watch YouTube, and the whole day would be dedicated to YouTube and mindless surfing.

If I get up and blog, study japanese, then walk, my day ends up being very productive. I shower and shave after my walk, then code for a few hours. I’ll have lunch after that, then take a siesta. I love naps. Naps are very refreshing, much more than coffee ever could be. After my nap, I’m revitalized, and focused. I’m good to code again for several hours.

In the evening, I finish up my daily coding tasks, then start to wind down. I’ll watch some YouTube, play Project Diva, then lay down and sleep.

I just described a perfect day. Oh yes, food is important. It’s important to have good food. Like BONELESS Pizza.

I used to have a financial goal to be able to afford a pizza once a week. I would get a large Pizza Rita Garden Delight without cheese and add jalapeno. SO DELICIOUS. My mouth waters thinking about it.

That’s about $30 dollars worth of disposable income per week. I can’t imagine having that kind of money now. It’s amazing how the perceived value of money is relative. When I worked full time at <business name>, $30 was nothing. I’d spend $800 on Evike.com every few months and it wouldn’t be a big deal.

I just shake my head at the thought now. I wasted a lot of money on useless shit. Evike was usually a good investment. What I purchased there would go towards exciting airsoft games with my friends.

But I spent a lot of money on useless shit. Consumer bullshit as I like to call it. Chintzy toilet brushes with gimmicky, proprietary cartridges. League of Legends riot points. An electric skateboard. An overpriced laptop.

I think I did okay compared to some, but there was a lot of Amazon purchases which I didn’t need to make. I would have been better off financially if I had invested more money, and didn’t buy things just for fun.

Or buy things that got myself into debt. My first large debt was my second car. Luckily, my parents shouldered that debt for me, and allowed me to pay them back interest free. That was okay. The second big debt was my electric skateboard. I got a lot of use out of that, but I don’t use it anymore. I bought that using a Bitcoin loan, which I paid back in full after about a year.

In hindsight, I should have waited to buy the board in full. Set some money aside every month and earn it. I might not have even wanted the board if I had waited.

The expensive laptop was a mistake. I should have bought a tower. I thought I would love to have the portable laptop because it would be ultra portable and powerful. In reality, it is barely portable because of it’s 17 inch screen, and 13 lb weight. It is often not worth it to lug around because it’s battery lasts 2 hours, and the thought of it being stolen from my backpack makes it’s nearly permanent home my desk.

I should have bought a tower and I would have saved at least $1000. If I had bought something outright, I would have saved even more because I wouldn’t have had to pay interest.

When I bought my laptop, I was out of stable work and I shouldn’t have been buying with credit.

Mistakes were made, and I seem to be repeating those mistakes now with credit cards.

I keep buying shit on my credit card. I barely have any income. I think I’m getting paid $450 for the past two months of side jobs I’ve been doing for my parents. I have a $90 credit card payment coming up in 2 days. Yikes.

It’s a real pain to do anything when I’m not well rested. I can’t code, I can’t get up and walk, I can’t shower… There’s only one thing on my mind when I couldn’t sleep the night before– getting more sleep!

I have to help my dad spread some gravel after my therapy appointment. He thinks it’ll take 1-2 hours which probably means 3.5 hours. LOL.

Anyway, maybe I can take a nap after that. I wonder if that work will count towards my required daily exercise? I think that would be cheating. I think I should do cardio regardless of whether or not I do manual labor.

I can’t think of much else to talk about. I think it’s because my mind is shutting down, preparing for going to therapy. I have to go get ready pretty much now. I want to be early for once in my life. And I need to stop at the store and get some breath mints because my breath stinks because I haven’t been to the dentist in 1.5 years.

I used to go to the dentist every 3 months. I need to be doing that because my receding gum lines are like that of an elder. Eat food, kids! I don’t think I would have this problem if I ate better when I was in my late 20s. I think my body started eating itself for energy. Maybe being more active would have helped as well.

Don’t be an addict, kids!

Yeah, I think that’s the root of the cause of my receding gum lines. Net addiction. I would ignore my hunger and just get high as a kite on League of Legends and YouTube and Twitter. I was like a meth head, only I was a net head.

Well there’s an hour until I gotta be at therapy. I guess I better go and get ready. More writing afterwards.

So Albertson brand raisins are TERRIBLE! I should have just spent the extra dollar and bought Sun Maid brand. Albertsons store brand are so dry! I wonder if they’re expired.

Apparently they still have a year on them. Hopefully they re hydrate in oatmeal, because they are barely edible plain.

So we talked about stuff in therapy today. And I don’t think I want to get into it. Anger towards my dad. There I said it. And that’s all I’ll say for now.

The other thing is self care. I have to take better care of myself. Not skipping meals, that sort of thing.

I don’t feel like writing anymore today. After therapy I went to albertsons and got some food, then I helped my dad with some stuff at his new property.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I just want to go to sleep. I just want to run and hide. I just want to start a new life.

I’m committed to 2000 words a day though, so I should continue. I guess I’ll just do the “writer’s way” thing and write whatever comes to mind. Nothing is off limits. Nothing is wrong.

Hello how are you doing today?

I’m grateful for pizza. I haven’t had pizza in quite a while, but I sure would love to have some.

I think my therapist is trying to convince me to not be vegan. LOL.

If only my convictions were not so stringent, I might consider it. Really I just need more varied foods in my life. I need to eat more leafy greens. For a vegan, I really don’t exercise much logic when it comes to eating my leafy greens.

I like canned food and simple recipes. Leafy greens don’t taste good unless the cook really knows what they’re doing. I just wing it, so leafy greens are usually gross.

I bought pistachios and sourdough bread and potatos and raisins. Nasty raisins. I shoulda bought sun maid! I’ll just have to remember this for next time. Sun Maid or nothing!

I have four smartphones in front of me. It’s sad how the technology gets better and better, leaving these unusable bricks behind. I have his HTC phone which is years and years old, but out of the four phones I have, the old HTC feels the best in my hand. It feels like a solid slab of metal. The other phones feel cheap and fragile.

I got a SIM card today for my OnePlus One. I popped it in and had a new phone number in about 5 minutes. Nice and easy. Originally I bought the SIM card so I could pass the number onto an eBay seller who sells unlimited data packages for ~$40 a month. I wanted that so I could have better internet, and do wifi calling and such.

I didn’t go with that idea because I’m afraid I won’t have a good experience with the actual phone aspect. My android phone is free of Google Services Framework, which means there is no Google Cloud Messaging. For most people, they never have to worry about Google Cloud Messaging because it’s just part of their phone and the Google ecosystem. But I have wanted to rid myself of Google for so long, that this absense of GSF is a godsend.

Anyway, without GSF, lots of apps don’t work. They will install okay, but there will be things like push notifications which don’t work at all.

To do wifi calling, push notifications are imperative because that’s what happens under the hood when a person would call me. My wifi calling app would only be able to ring if push notifications were functioning!

It’s a bummer. I could use GSF, and have a kickass data-only phone, but I would have to do so at the expense of privacy. Not that a GSM phone is private to begin with, but it’s a necessary evil to have the ability to make and take phone calls on the go.

Subtracting Google from my phone removes one of the several trackers in my life. And in my mind, that’s a good move.

So I went with a 4GB data plan, with something like 1000 minutes. It’s going to be about $40 a month.

I bought the SIM card from Amazon for $1. It came in a cool package which I thought I’d share.

This is the first time I’ve seen something like this. The listing said it was a 3-in-1 package, but I was just expecting a SIM card that has the little perforations to where it will fit in any of the three major SIM card slot sizes.

Apparently, I could have chosen AT&T, T-Mobile, or Verizon networks. Seems like either one will work on Net10 carrier. Pretty cool! I’ll use Net10 for a few months and see how I like it. I’m not sharing my Net10 number with anyone, so I can always switch providers and not even have to worry about porting my number.

I’m just giving people my burnerapp number. I have a subscription for 1 year of burnerapp, so that’s pretty cool. My phone has superpowers now! I can do more experimentation as time goes on.

My ultimate goal is to have 100% of my calls and texts routed through Signal. If I could do that, then I wouldn’t even need to look at my phone unless I’m out and about. I prefer opening Signal on my desktop rather than fiddling with a touch screen.

Ew, touchscreens! Oooh, you know what? Burnerapp has a webapp. They don’t really advertise it, but it’s there at app.burnerapp.com. I could just text via web browser! That’s my ultimate nerd dream.

Everything is moving to the web. I love it.

Hey that 2000 words happened out of the blue. I’m at 2200 already!

One thing I will say, is that I haven’t switched over my burnerapp account to my net10 phone number. That’s the strange thing about burnerapp. It requires logging in using SMS, which means at the moment, my account is bound to my old phone. So I’m having to check two phones to get all my messages. It’s a bit annoying. Just waiting back on burnerapp support staff to get it switched over.

Before I go, I need to write down some more things I’m thankful for.

I’m grateful for my friend N. who advised me during the whole new phone process. She’s the one who suggested the OnePlus One to me, as well as microG on LineageOS. microG is an optional component which is meant to be an open source replacment for GSF. I haven’t used microG yet, but it’s there should I come across an app which requires GSF to function. Maybe it’s possible that I could use microG to have a data-only phone? With a little time and pressure, I’ll be sure to find out!

One last thing to be grateful for. I’m grateful for my clinician K. She has opened my eyes to some things about myself that I want to work on. She’s direct in her methods, but lets me know that I am in control of my own life.

That’s it for now, see you tomorrow.