Wed Dec 2 2020


I went for a bike ride today. I decided to go to the bike shop and drop my bike off to take advantage of their 50% off labor winter sale. It turns out that I have a free tuneup as a part of buying my bike at that shop. Super cool!

I’m without my bike now, and I miss it. The walk home was long and painful. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, and filled my backpack up with heavy stuff. A large jar of peanut butter, large bag of raisins, 2lbs bag of rice.

IDK how far that walk was, but it took 2 or 3 hours overall. I felt really sad to be without my bike.

On the final stretch on the way home, my dad saw me walking and he pulled off the road and asked if I needed a ride. I shook my head no.

At least that’s what I thought he said, but I couldn’t hear him clearly from ahead of me on the other side of the road. He might have asked, “are you okay?”

I waved him on and I gave him a thumbs up and nodded in response to his followup question where he asked if I was okay.

I didn’t want a ride. I was 5 minutes away from home and I wasn’t in a great mood, so I didn’t want a ride. I didn’t want to have to explain the situation and why I left with my bike and came home without it. I didn’t want to get in his truck with him and get a ride because getting rides from people is a real shame trigger of mine.

I’m going to sleep good tonight! I usually take a nap mid-day, but that didn’t happen today. I was busy riding and walking and feeling like shit.

I definitely felt like shit in the moment. I noted that it was a moment of suffering. I asked myself, “Why is life full of so much suffering? Can’t I have more happy moments?”

I can probably engineer a way to have more happy moments. I can get there, but it’s going to take time and pressure.

I’m feeling pretty sleepy now. I’m probably going to skip playing games this evening because I have a feeling that I’ll be ready to crash at around the time when my friends get online (8-9PM)

I have a dream of waking up on a regular basis at a set time, feeling rested and refreshed, without needing my fucking alarm clock.

I just want to wake up when the sun comes up. I want to wake up having gone to bed at a time when my body signals to me that it’s time for sleep. I want that 8+ hours… for me, 10 seems better.

I have been thinking about living a simpler life. I don’t know if this ebay business is going to work out. I’m in no way backing off from that goal. I still want it. I still am going to do everything in my power to get toward that dream of entrepreneurship and financial success.

I’ve just been thinking… Maybe the simple life of a Buddhist Monk is actually what will bring me the kind of stability and happiness that I want.

Waking up and chanting, then having a meal and then doing some sort of physical labor with a group of people who I will see every day and become friends with… Producing something that the community finds meaningful… not having to worry about money… This is appealing in some ways.

I think that I could do that in say… 3 years? If this business doesn’t work out, if it continues to be unprofitable and exhausting… I will have to change something, and that something is going to be my behavior and my routine.

I’m going to file away that idea in the back of my head. It’s definitely something I can do. It’s definitely something that would be worth trying.

I’m tired. I could sleep right now, but I don’t want to do that just yet. I want to sleep around 2 hours from now. 8-9PM seems like the perfect time to sleep in order to get what I want… A natural rise just before 7AM.

IDK if I can make it that long. I might have to do yoga or something that is energizing. When I got home from that long walk, I ate a big bowl of oatmeal and I made the assumption that it would put me to sleep LOL.

Such a meta thing to be talking about… my day and shit.

But I guess that’s what this blog is. I write about whatever the fuck comes to mind.

I was about to say that I had no expectation that anyone will ever read that, but that’s not really the case. I see the stats. My blog gets 2K visitors in a week. It’s mostly due to the articles I’ve wrote about Hatsune Miku or USB game controller drivers. There’s some solid nuggets of knowledge on this blog that I’m pretty proud of.

I’ve never put my thoughts in writing to the extent that I have with this blog. I call it a blog, but it’s really a journal. I guess journal and log are pretty similar things..

But yeah, how are my random blabbings about long walks and bowel movements going to be received by my audience? Wait, hold that. I’m probably wrong to assume that I have an audience. People view the content that I create, but it’s not like they’re coming here to see me. They’re coming here to get answers to their problems. I just happened to be the author of some content that can help.

I guess it’s not completely true that I don’t have an audience. I gained something like 150 subscribers on YouTube, and that’s not by accident. I actually put in the work to make some compelling content, and I did have a following for a time. I would get repeat comments from names I recognized. I engaged and got feedback.

Is an audience on a blog going to be a similar thing? Is the work that I put into writing every day going to attract an audience who thinks similarly?

I think my daily writings might get some attention, but nothing like youtube. I think the medium of text is something that is going to be a turn-off for a lot of people. Text isn’t easy to consume like video is.

People who liked me as a person on YouTube might not like what I have to say on my blog. On youtube I often put on an exaggerated version of myself. A version of me who was performing for the camera, or intending to chop up what I was saying in post-production and make it 5X more interesting with dynamic shots and video effects.

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