Wed Dec 25 2019 @ 7:36 AM PST

Happy Christmas, Harry.

I woke up before my alarm even went off. Maybe the sound of my heater starting up at 7:10 was what signaled my body that it was time to wake up.

So this is Christmas. My head hurts I want to go back to sleep LOL.

I’m surprised nobody has knocked on my door yet. I figured everyone would be so eager to open presents. I’m not going to go in until someone texts me or knocks.

My apartment smells like onions. It has since yesterday when I failed at cooking Japanese style curry. It was missing something. It had a lot of great flavor, but it was so watery. Too much vegetable stock, perhaps. I totally fucked up the roux as well. It was supposed to turn into a powder but it remained a liquid.

I should vent the place. Get a bunch of fresh air in here, because it continues to smell like a concentrated onion. Maybe it’s the fresh onions that are still in here. But they’re bagged so I’m not sure. I hope I don’t smell like an onion but I probably do and there’s not a whole lot I can do about it seeing as my whole apartment smells like one.

I’m going to promote a later present opening time by not showing up until later. I don’t want to be twidding my thumbs waiting for everyone to show up so we can open gifts when I could be writing.

I’m officially deprecating Christmas! All my siblings and I are adults now, so we can quit the present opening thing. At least get rid of the 6AM schedule that has been common in the past. Most of my siblings have significant others and live away from home. So there’s the logistical challenge of getting everyone home at an early time. It’s especially challenging because we always stay up late on Christmas eve playing games and eating lots of junk food.

12PM should be the new gift opening time!

Wait, why am I complaining, aren’t I trying to be a morning person by waking up when the sun rises, writing in the morning, and working out in the morning?

Maybe it’s just the uncertainty that is bothering me. There was no consensus last night on the schedule for this morning. Kelly said 6AM, but it’s already 7:49AM. So now I’m in uncertainty village and not sure if I should stop writing and go inside, or do something else.

I feel like not going inside. I feel like writing, maybe taking a nap, and pooping. Yes, I feel a lot like pooping. Unfortunately, I think if I did that, luck would not be on my side and I’d get knocks on my door. If I pooped now, it would just so happen that I would be the last person not at home while everyone else was ready and waiting to open presents!

God, this onion smell just doesn’t go away! It’s everywhere! It’s a miracle that I even slept last night because I would have thought the smell would make me too hungry to sleep.

Luckily, I slept last night anyway. I was very tired after yesterday. I was tired all day yesterday.

Now that I think of it, I did have trouble sleeping last night. I was thinking about A. messaging me about Threema. She won’t give up on the subject even though I’ve said no about a dozen times.

She tried logic and I refused, so now she’s trying to guilt me into using Threema.

I held off on replying to her message because yesterday when I saw them, I could only think to respond in anger. Today after writing about it and thinking about my feelings, I responded calmly and communicated how I was feeling.

I don’t appreciate our friendship being used as leverage to get me to try Threema

I communicated, as best I could, as calmly as I could.

Remember the time you tried to get me to play WoW? You were very persistent. Much like with Threema now. I am annoyed that the threema thing keeps coming up. I have tried to communicate that I don't want to use Threema. I have it installed on my phone though. I will try it but I am not going to use my money to buy a key. That is 100% not happening. 

If you want me to try it, please provide me with a key. I have already agreed that I will not share the key. If you don't want to share your key, that's fine.

I don't appreciate our friendship being used as leverage to get me to try Threema. I like you. I do not like the idea of Threema. I do not like the idea of pay to communicate.

So that’s what I said. Hopefully that wasn’t saying too much. I hope the WoW part doesn’t come off as an attack. I didn’t mean any of this like an attack. I probably could have skipped the WoW thing.

Anyway, I was just doing my best to communicate my feelings. That’s what I’ve been advised to do by my clinician. Don’t ignore my feelings!

I was feeling angry and annoyed about being asked to install Threema. And when I did finally install it, A. paused and withheld the key she had previously offered. Then I just said, “forget it.” and uninstalled.

We repeated this process at least once. I’m not the one who wants to use Threema, she is! And I’m supposed to just buy it so she can use Threema with me?

None of the selling points of Threema make any sense. It’s like Signal. But it’s closed source and who the fuck knows what it’s code is actually doing?

It’s like Signal. But it has better group chat.

It’s like Signal, but it cost money.

So it’s got one selling point, group chat. Those cons don’t outweigh the pros!

I think A. just likes to use shiny new toys. Threema is the shiny new toy to play with. And in 6 months, a newer shiny toy will come out and she’ll jump ship to that, and I’ll be expected to follow.

No! We have a means of comms already. Chill the fuck out! That’s what I want to say!

Chill the fuck out and find something shiny and new outside the realm of communications. Find something new and exciting in gaming or science or something.

Yeah. I hope I don’t come off as harsh. I did my best to communicate peacefully. Next time I have to be direct like this, I’ll try to leave out past similar events because I don’t think that was really helpful.

We’ll see. This could go many ways and I hope it goes well, but I’m prepared for an outcome that does not.

Uhh yeah, It’s 8:27 AM now. I heard one car pull up. I dunno if we’re going to open presents soon, but I really should have pooped earlier. I’m just gonna go poop now and hope that my luck doesn’t run out and people knock on my door the same instant LOL.

My luck ran out. I got a knock while I was on the toilet. LMFAO!!!!!!!

Ok so I’m going inside for Christmas now. They made me breakfast! more later!

This morning was fantastic. A. made vegan sausage egg muffins which were on point! She used Daiya cheese and Morning Star imitation sausage patties. We exchanged gifts and it was really nice. We had lots and lots of junk food!

It’s 10:45PM now. After the morning celebrations, I took a nap, then went to dinner at B & J’s. We played 7 wonders.

I got a fountain pen from B. Wow, this thing is a dream to write with! Now I can understand why cursive was a thing. Quality pens make writing so expressive!

I almost want to write on paper before transferring the words to my blog. This is my new favorite pen by far!

Previously, my favorite pen was my Space Pen. That thing writes so smooth and it’s super reliable!

Now it’s this LAMY pen. I’m not actually sure of the model. It’s either a Safari or an AL-star.

I got a couple amazon gift cards. I am thinking of what to use it for. I could use it to buy some Bitcoin via, or I could buy some pressies. Hmm, I wonder if I could just re-gift my amazon gift cards, once they’re in my account? Maybe not. I was thinking I could re-gift them rather than buying shit I don’t need!

I should probably just hold onto the funds until I have a legitimate use for them. Right now I’m in such a exited mood that I feel like splurging.

I should not splurge. I don’t like to work, remember? These monies are what let me not work, so I need as much monies as I can get!

But at the same time, I do need to stop and feel alive every now and again. It is good to be grateful for people. It’s not a bad thing to gift things to friends.

Or is it? If I’m just gifting consumer bullshit, am I doing a misdeed? I’ll have to think about that.

Consumer bullshit, aka flashy shiny things that people don’t need, is one of the several methods by which businesses extract money from the populous. The consumer bullshit doesn’t have much intrinsic value. Owning the consumer bullshit may actively degrade people’s happiness and well being.

Consumer bullshit cannot be eaten. It cannot be traded unless in very high quantities.

Consumer bullshit’s main value is the perceived value, which is often only a facade put into place by product placement, advertising, or social influencers.

A fleeting feeling of shallow wholeness. The feeling is shallow because the wholeness people desire cannot be filled by any physical good. That wholeness comes from overall health. Mental health, physical health, and most importantly, spiritual health.

Spiritual wholeness comes from being fulfilled in one’s life. Fulfillment comes from something I cannot describe, because it varies from person to person.

I am not fulfilled, in one sense. The sense that I am the captain of my life is not something I can confidently say I have. I am not fulfilled financially, or in my career goals. I am not fulfilled in my sexual goals or my intimacy goals.

Consumer bullshit doesn’t aid me in being fulfilled. It does however, give me a fleeting sense of joy. I don’t want to give people fleeting senses of joy, packaged in festive wrapping paper. I want to give people something else. I don’t know what I want to give them. I’m tempted to say that I want to give them a feeling of warmth, or love, but I am not sure.

Love is a verb. Love requires actively loving someone. I don’t know if I have that in me because I don’t love myself.

I have a lot of guilt. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at other people. I’m disgusted at some of the things I’ve done. I’m disgusted at others.

I wanna write with my fountain pen some more! But I also want my words to end up online.

I wonder if there is some sort of digitizer I could place under my paper, that would capture the pressure from my pen, and transfer it into a text document? I bet it exists, but only on Microsoft Windows. I’m not about to use Windows just so I can use a novel input method.

Perhaps I will reserve my fountain pen to the times when I’m not at my computer. I think that will make writing when I’m out and about even more enjoyable.

Unruled, plain paper! A paper tablet! That’s what I’m going to get with my amazon gift card, right away! I have been craving such a tablet for weeks!

I’ll do that once I finish writing.

Oh, so yeah. I wrote a 4 or 5 page to my friend M. A few weeks I told him I would do so, but I’ve been putting it off. I finally did it. I wrote the pages with my fountain pen!

Oh, funny story. I carried my fountain pen with me to the family dinner at B. & J.’s house. J. used my fountain pen to tally the score. He didn’t know how to use a fountain pen, but I was being too nervous to instruct him! He got ink out, but was pressing it down like a ballpoint, LOL.

Next time I loan it out, I’ll first ask if they know how to use a fountain pen! If not, I’ll guide them on an adventure, and I’ll get to be there and witness the first time a person uses a refined, modern writing utensil inspired by an ancient design!

Yummy pizza! I’m so grateful that they bought me a pizza. They bought it two days ago!

Seriously, they didn’t have to do that. J’s mom even brought me a plain sweet potato because she brought a potato dish which had milk products mixed in for everyone else. And my mom brought vegan mashed potatos in addition to regular milk mashed potatos!

Seriously, I feel very loved when people do that sort of thing. They go out of their way, spend money on food that is specifically meant for me. It is very thoughtful and I am so grateful for it!

It makes me want to do the same for them, or simply pass on that love to someone else. A stranger even. That love truly affects me, and I think it makes the world a better place when people love each other.

I should make some sort of love exercise. I do not love myself, but I think I can begin to change myself to become a person I do love. And to do that, I think I have to give love to others. In loving others, I think I can begin to love myself.

I can spend time with them. I can give them resources with no expectation of anything in return. I can serve them in some way.

I think it starts with the people close to me. I think I should adopt something like letter writing. Texting is surveilled, impersonal, and brief. Writing letters requires expending significant energy, and encoding thoughts and feelings into a physical object.

The energy of writing is multi-faceted. First, energy must be expended by thinking and moving hands. Energy must be expended packaging, labeling, and applying postage. Energy must be expended walking outside and placing the letter in the mailbox.

I’ve spent so much of my life in front of a computer screen, and communicating with people via e-mail and various forms of digital messaging.

Now I think I want to step away from that on occasion, and encode my spirit into something physical. To do so is unique, vintage, quirky, odd. It’s something that few people expect nowadays. A hand written letter? That’s something special.

Fuck, I think I’m starting a new trend. An occasional return to simplicity. A low-tech way to express myself, and reach people in a way that is extraordinary.

I have mentioned trying to become exceptional. I thought I would just play the game and be a better student than my peers. That is not how I’ve lived up until this point, and I don’t think I have it in me to adopt a dog-eat-dog mentality.

I have too much empathy. I have my mother to thank for that. It’s not a bad thing, it’s simply a thing. A thing I have to live with, and a thing that I can embrace and use to my own benefit. Instead of trying to become exceptional in ways that people expect, I’ll be exceptional in a way that is uniquely me.

I’m grateful that I have empathy. I’m grateful for my mother.

I’m grateful for the time I got to spend with my family today. I’m grateful that there are people in my life that inspire me to be a better person, and I’m grateful to be alive.

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