Wed Dec 9 2020

I’m taking an easy day. I’m doing so because I’m noticing what seems to be arthritis in my hands.

I noticed something else recently. Usually if I don’t exercise, I get to a certain place where my body has excess energy and I become angry. I think it might have something to do with winter and how the weather has been in the 20s and 30s recently, but I have not felt an excess of energy.

I feel like sleeping a lot. I think this is just natural hibernation mode where my body wants to eat as much as possible, followed by long periods of sleep.

My lifestyle and my mode of transportation of riding my bicycle to get to places is likely attributing to my body’s desire to hibernate. When I travel, I’m in the cold, unlike if I traveled in comfort by car.

I cancelled my attendance at group therapy today, because of Starship SN8 slated to launch around that same time. Therapy was at 1:00PM. It’s 1:49 now. Starship has yet to launch. Curiously, NASA927 is not yet enroute from EFD, and’s live stream is showing T-00:46. I have a suspicion that the launchtime data they’re going off of is incorrect.

There was already a countdown hold earlier. I’d be surprised if SpaceX didn’t use NASA927, and launched without it being in the area. NASA927 is a Martin WB-57 aircraft that flies at around 40,000 feet and has a payload for filming rocket launches.

Nah, I think it’ll be there. I’d put money on it. I’m looking at NASA927’s flight data from yesterday, and it touched down at 6:10PM CST. So basically I think SpaceX could be doing an exact repeat of yesterday’s time schedule.

It’s not exact LOL. Yesterday, NASA927 tookoff at 3:11PM CST. it’s already past that time.

I don’t think SpaceX will do the launch without the observation aircraft. I think they need that video data to ensure that they can improve on their next versions.

Goddamn, there are so many pieces that must fall into place for a rocket launch to happen!

Yesterday all the human pieces were in place, but there was some sort of hardware failure at the last second.

I’m so excited for this. I am happy that this is what I’m doing today!

It also makes it easy to take it easy because all I gotta do is sit back and observe.

My hands need a rest!

I say that, all while I’m typing at 70 wpm. LOL

Luckily my hands feel a bit better today. I slept a lot. I didn’t have outgoing shipments today which gave me reason to sleep in!

Tomorrow I’m going to ship out my vinyl sticker gift to M.

Oh shit, NASA927 had to abort their flight!

So SpaceX is going on ahead without the observation airplane. OK, that mystery is solved!

The launch happened! The bellyflop maneuver was a PERFECT success. The was a BOOM at the end, but it was PERFECT bellyflop-to-upright maneuver.

Wow. Coolest shit ever. That shit looked fake but I know it wasn’t because there were so many cameras on it. I’m going to have to watch that over and over… INCREDIBLE!

I slept all evening. It’s 11:46PM now. I missed video games, whoops! Looks like I’m not getting my 1h of socialization today. I’m not going to join late because that’s just going to throw off my sleep schedule.

I had a dream that I couldn’t make any friends. I was in a … wasteland for lack of a better word. Lots of people just idling around with nothing to do. I saw a bunch of people from my childhood and I tried to make friends with them.

The first one was Jeff. P. I was on a county road with a skateboard, but I couldn’t work on my kickflip because I was wearing socks and sandals. I tried to make a joke about it to J.P. who was skateboarding. I was mostly ignored, and he told me that my fly was down before walking away.

My fly was down because I was so excited about the SpaceX launch that I forgot to zip up my zipper.

The next place I went to was a mall or something. I saw Scott ??? and … I can’t remember his first name, but those two were friends and they were really good at everything they tried. ??? liked to tease me and was borderline a bully to me in middle school. One time, the two of them gleeked on the back of my head in class. I was pretty submissive at that time so I didn’t do much about it.

I think we could have been friends, if things were slightly different. I think they saw weakness in me and exploited it, but they found themselves around me somewhat often.

In the dream, I tried to have a conversation with ??? but he used the elevator’s arrival as an excuse to walk away.

Those two were good at juggling, doing bicycle tricks like standing on the seats or riding backwards… They seemed to be pretty adventurous and liked doing outdoor activities. I wonder where they are now!

Probably married with children. Who from my past isn’t married and has started a family by now? I tend to think it’s mostly everyone, but I have little data to go on. I’m just assuming at this point.

I think there’s also the possibility that they didn’t reproduce, and they have dog children or something like that. I think pets as children replacements are becoming more mainstream. I think it has to do with people’s outlook on the future. If it doesn’t look bright, the babies aren’t born.

I think it’s a failure of modern society that causes a dim outlook for the future. Shit like taxation and low wages. Working 110% and just barely getting by. Those things are enough for me to keep my dick far far away from vaginas!

I’m in an odd position. I think most people wouldn’t be okay being in my position and making a net of $300 per month.

In August, I net $389.16. September was ~$538.31. October was ~$374.02. November was $456.85. So I exaggerated a bit when I said $300. but you can see that I truly make less than someone who works at McDonalds.

Those number’s arent even supposed to be my money. That’s supposed to be the business’s income, not my personal income. My paycheck is supposed to come out of the business income, and the business is supposed to use the income to buy more product and shit.

I’m not doing business very well, LOL. That being said, I’m not stopping and I’m not giving up. I knew going into this that it was going to be hard. I knew that I would have to sink my life into this, and that it will take years to see a profit. I’m practicing grit. I’m keeping with it because I want nothing other than financial independence, and a lifestyle of my choosing.

Still, I’m nearing my breaking point. I’ve got fucking arthritis in my hands. I was wearing the same holey shoes from 2017 and I had no budget for new ones. (thank you A. for new shoes!) I have cavities and toothakes and I can’t go to the dentist because I can’t afford it.

Something has to change. I can’t go on for much longer like this.

I think I’m burning out.

In the past, I burnt out at I.C. and at least I had something to show for it. I was making good money. $20 an hour! Thinking about that amount now is flabberghasting. I’m lucky to make $20 a week right now!

..And that can’t go on for much longer. I am going to run out of lifelines. My savings accounts are almost drained. There’s not much money left that I can pull out of stocks or bitcoin. Soon, all I’ll have left is this mountain of trading cards in my apartment, and those don’t sell quick enough to maintain this business.

I’m thinking of going on oDesk or Fiverr and finding some coding project gigs that I can get paid for. I have been thinking about it more and more, as I fail to see the business growth that I need to stay motivated.

Mmm, let me rephrase. I am still motivated because I want this lifestyle more than anything. If I start coding for $$$, I do so in addition to running Sakura Blossom Trading Post.

Speaking of burnout, I think I need to lessen the time I spend on the computer every day.

I think what I’m going to do is I’m going to make checkboxes on my Daily Progress Chart (DPC) for entertainment activities. I think the thing I spend the most time on the computer doing is reading feeds and watching livestreams. I’ll read a tweet here, I’ll scroll HN there… I’m doing it a lot lately.

I think what I want to get into a habit of doing is scheduling pomodoro sessions for browsing feeds. Right now, I get distracted with feeds every 5 minutes. That timing is probably off, but that’s what it feels like. It feels like the feeds and the FOMO control me, rather than it being me that controls when I browse feeds.

I’m getting into the cycle where I look at Hacker News, and every link that I click is already visited because I was staring at that feed and clicking articles just moments ago.

I’ll have to think about this some more. Maybe like 1 feed session in the morning, and 1 at night? Maybe I have to ban myself from getting on the computer first thing in the morning with no intentions… No wait, that wouldn’t work. First thing in the morning is always picking and packing, and that’s completely fine.

What is the problem then? When do I have the problem?

I think it’s the inbetween time. Inbetween mailtime and exercise, I’ll hop on the computer and see what’s happening online. I don’t start my pomodoro timer in that case.

Hmm… I wonder if starting a pomodoro for everything would be a good way to manage my time?

“I’m starting a pomodoro for browsing feeds. Oh wait no, I have better things to be doing right now!”

My dream mental process

I suppose that’s worth a try. Part of having a Pomodoro timer is having to commit 25 minutes to a specific task. 25 minutes for browsing feeds is kind of ridiculous, if I’m doing that several times a day.

25 minutes per day is probably excellent! I think I would benefit greatly if I could compartmentalize all that unfocused browsing time into one block.

Again, I gotta do something about this hand pain. I don’t want to burn out at 35 and not be able to continue my career. I want longevity and health, so I can keep this up and make $$$$$$!

Affy & Gratty

20. Self discipline is my secret weapon. I don’t have to go too far or do too little– the middle way is just right!

84. I will remember, often difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.
83. I am loved.

I’m grateful for my friend M. who is a true friend and very supportive of me. I feel loved and I enjoy the time we spend together.

I’m grateful for the food I have in my cabinets. I’m grateful that I can get myself to the store and resupply it when it runs low.

I’m grateful for the time I take to figure out what I need to be well.

Excelsior! Opportunity! Peace of Mind! Industrialization!

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