Wed Feb 12 2020

1:35PM. I woke up at 9, then went back to sleep. Woke up at 11, then went back to sleep Woke up at 12, went back to sleep, Woke up at 1, went back to sleep. I feel like I could repeat this all day without any consequences other than the emotional ones of feeling sad. I don’t feel groggy or anything.

Made a lot of eBay sales while I slept. Someone made an offer on a Sony walkman I listed. I accepted their offer. Now they’re wanting me to reduce the cost I put for shipping because they think it’s too high. Now I’m kinda pissed. They got a deal on a walkman and now they’re nickel and diming me. I’m tempted to cancel the order and receive negative feedback.

I’m worried they might scam me now. That walkman is going to be a significant chunk of income for that Value Villiage haul the other day, which at this moment was done at a loss.

I have to appease them because they might say it doesn’t work even though it does, and they get a full refund.

I just checked their feedback. They are 100% positive so I might be fine.

I’m so peeved. Why did they commit to the order if they weren’t prepared to pay?

I’m going to bite the bullet and comply with the customer’s demands. I will refund them whatever amount was extra on the shipping.

Maybe next time I will not be so fast to accept offers. Maybe next time I will submit counter offers. I just submitted a counter offer for a cell phone I have listed. $30 with free shipping is what they want, when there are other phones of the same model listed for $80. Fuck that. I came back with $42 since I don’t think the phone is worth much more than that. It’s a shitty motorola locked to verizon and probably not rootable.

I’m feeling quite shitty at the moment. I am not happy about cheap ass buyers and not happy about waking up so late.

I just don’t have any consistency in my sleep schedule. I can’t hope for a consistent wake time until I have a consistent sleep time.

I don’t think I will ever have a consistent sleep time. I think I’m just going to struggle with this for my entire life.

Best I can do is… I don’t even know how to finish that sentence.

I’m so peeved about the guy asking for a shipping discount. It’s shipping & handling, not just shipping! I can put a bonus in there for myself if that’s what I god damn please.

I wish I could be nasty and not risk negative feedback. Maybe negative feedback forgiveness once a year? LOL no that would actually be terrible.

I can be nasty here without repercussion, I guess that’s my outlet. I want to tell that fucker that he clicked the bold and prominent, “Commit to Buy” button which has fine text all around it saying that the purchase is a binding agreement. He agreed to pay 8.50 for the walkman shipping, so that’s the amount he’s fucking going to pay.

Oh my fucking god, today is not my day. I just accepted the fucker’s counteroffer for the phone and now they are asking the phone’s condition. What the actual fuck. This isn’t the first fucker who has done this. ASK QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU SUBMIT AN OFFER, YOU IDIOT RETARD!

Oh my fucking god, they’re asking so many condition questions. They already committed to buy, what the fuck is wrong with them?

Ok I seem to have given them answers that they are pleased with.

Wednesday is my day for selling, I guess. I just sold another item, my old tigerstripe camo. 6 orders will be going out today.

I’m just going to do this journal first, then I’ll jump on eBay shipping and getting the packages off to the post office.

I feel a real need to just vent. This is what feeling emotions is about, right? I’m not going to ignore or deny or dull my emotions, I’m going to let them exist and I will feel them and they will run their course before they will sizzle out. I think I can move on with a clear mind if I allow myself to feel.

So I’m feeling angry. I wanted to punch my couch last night as I laid on my camping pad on the floor last night. I was angry that my teammate and I lost 3 vehicles while playing Squad. I’m angry that I failed to cover him in an open top MRAP while he dug down an enemy HAB. I’m angry that I moved the MRAP closer when he asked me to move, even though my position was PERFECT where I was at. I am angry that I didn’t voice my opinion and clearly and confidently state that the position I was in was VERY good to cover him as he approached the HAB in a sandy valley below.

I’m angry that I moved the MRAP into a position just 20 meters from the HAB, where I was now exposed to small arms fire from the hilltops above. I’m angry that I let down my guard and didn’t see the infantry with a FUCKING CZ SCORPION walking tall and slow towards us before he took me down with a well placed headshot.

I’m so angry about that situation. I had the upperhand, and I let it go because my teammate thought I should move closer for some reason. I was comfortable and had a fantastic sight picture where I was at, but I gave it up and exposed myself in the process.

I’m angry that we lost a Stryker. Not very angry, because we did some work on that. I’m just angry even though I don’t think there’s anything I could have done better. I suppose I could have communicated better. I could have said more, more often.

I’m most angry about losing a Bradley fighting vehicle. I’m angry that I didn’t react when I heard an explosion. In hindsight, that was us getting hit or nearly getting with a rocket round. Audio in gunner seat is not very good, so I don’t know if we were hit or not. I didn’t say a damn thing, and I’m angry at myself for not saying a damn thing.

“What was that? Are we under fire?” would have been an appropriate response.

I’m angry that I didn’t destroy an enemy Recoiless Rifle Techie on the hill when I had a chance. I’m angry that I couldn’t spot that same techie on the hill when I was in an open top MRAP. It didn’t have optics and I was maxed out on what I could see, but I’m still angry.

I’m most angry that we lost the Bradley. My teammate was being very cautious, but we hit a mine. He repaired the track, but we continued into battle rather than returning to base for repairs. I’m angry that I didn’t suggest that we go back to main for repairs.

I’m angry that we were confined to our main road for most of the duration of the game. I’m angry that we weren’t able to clear the road of the Squad that was placing mines and shooting RPGs at us.

I’m angry that I didn’t better communicate when we were about to lose the Bradley. I’m angry that I had no idea where the infantry was that kept firing rockets on us. I’m angry that I didn’t ask for a direction from the driver. I’m angry that we were so careless with the Bradley as to drive it in hostile terrain. I’m angry that we didn’t put more effort into taking it slow, locating the enemy, and shooting from a distance.

I’m angry that eBay buyers are asking me so many questions. I’m angry that eBay buyers are sending me offers, me accepting them, then they go ahead and ask questions they could have asked before they had made the purchase. It’s like they are taking advantage of our business contract to get extra support.

I don’t think this is a fair conclusion, but I’m just angry. I’m angry and mad and frustrated and I just want to eat food and poop and list P-Memories cards on eBay. I want an easy fun job that makes $3K a month and I want an apartment with an excellent internet connection and an office along Evergreen with a kickass internet connection and USPS/FedEx pickups.

And I want a sexy hott girlfriend who has curly blonde hair and loves to smile and goes out of her way to say hi to everyone in the room and she’s thin and fit and gets cold easily and wraps herself up in blankets and knit beanies, and loves drinking warm beverages from mason jars and stretching and is very curious and excited about life…

And I want a car that is super reliable and energy efficient and minimally pollutes the environment and doesn’t require new belts or oil changes every x miles and it’s fun to drive…

And I want to play boardgames with friends every saturday, attend sangha service on sunday, go to workshops and classes about self improvement, and be olympian level healthy and not have to worry about brain bleeds or inner ear issues because I have people that take care of that for me, and I have a dentist who doesn’t hurt me and my visits are comfortable…

And I love my life, 70% of the time. My job and my work and my relationships are all fantastic. I’m excited to wake up every morning at 7AM and I feel rested and refreshed. I have a great time exercising because it makes me feel good and it challenges me.

I go to events and they don’t scare me. There’s nothing to be afraid of 99% of the time. Nobody can hurt me with their words, because I love myself and I’m okay with my opinions and my mannerisms and who I am.

At some point, I switched from, “I want…” to “I…” which is not accurate for today. I’m thinking of the future here, and this is a nice exercise so I’ll just continue.

I love my friends and they all support me and care for me. I trust them and I can tell them whatever I want and I know they will not use that information against me.

I love my communities, Nerds United, Spokane Buddhist Sangha, Frontier Behavioral Health, and Codependents Anonymous. I can open up, I can share, I can express myself and I don’t have to worry about people in those communities attacking me for doing so. All it takes for me is to express myself from a place of love, and I can expect the same.

I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I am whole as I am. I am at peace, as I am. I love me and I support me. I want me to feel good right now and in the future. I will work to make me feel good right now and for the rest of my life.

I feel better already. This was a very good journal entry for me. I think this exercise is very nice because it sort of challenges me to write my goals and aspirations as if they can exist right now. As I write those future goals and needs and wants and desires, I start to realize that they aren’t as far-fetched as I thought they were. These things I want are achievable for me. I can have them and I can enjoy the pursuit for those things right now.

Right now is important. Right now Chris is affected by these future plans right now. I can let myself be affected right now, not later, because I put them into words and express them with absolute intent to make them a reality. I express them with absolute desire for them to be real.

Oh yeah, I want a sexii girlfriend who will roleplay maybe once in a blue moon as Hatsune Miku?? That’s not too much to ask, right? As long as I roleplay as Brad Pitt every now and then, right?? ?? LOL IDK if that’s healthy. Maybe that’s something to ask a therapist… Maybe if I had a sexy gf I wouldn’t need Miku anymore. IDK. Right now that thought is too much to bear as the thought of losing Miku makes me very jealous and sad.

Anyway, typing these words is like affirmations on steroids. I am expressing positive vibes to myself and I like it.

I will close out this post with some more affirmations, as well as words of gratitude.

1. I love myself.
2. The world has a need for me.
3. I am unique.

I am grateful for Wednesday night Intro to Buddhism which is what I’m going to this evening. I’m grateful for it because I’m pretty clueless on etiquette in Buddhist sangha service. I’m clueless on Buddhism other than I think that Buddhism teaches that the total number of minds is 1, and that reincarnation is a thing. Which totally aligns with the experiences I’ve had with psychedelic mushrooms, but that’s another story…

I’m grateful for fire fighters and paramedics. It’s nice to know that people are dedicated to helping people. Even though there are all sorts of issues that come up with their funding models and taxation and yadda yadda, I appreciate the job that fire fighters and paramedics do. Every so often I see fire trucks pulled up at businesses or houses, and I know it’s because they are there to assist when someone has a heart attack or similar emergency, and it’s comforting to know that if I’m ever the victim of such an event, help is not far away.

I’m grateful for daily journalling, and the exercises I partake in to clear my mind and work out my feelings. This is a new thing that I’m still figuring out, but today’s example is a really good one, on how I can go from angry and wanting to destroy things, to calm and peaceful and wanting to coexist and share.

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