Wed Feb 19 2020

My therapist took me on as my CoDA “pseudo sponsor” until the time when I find a sponsor of my own. Last Friday she gave me a list of questions which I am supposed to ponder on and answer at our next meeting, this Friday at 9:30AM. The questions are as follows.

What is the first time you can remember co-dependent events happening in your life?

Have you lost any time, money, or energy due to unhealthy relationships?

Write a brief history of your co-dependency.

Discuss what help you have sought for this problem and your attempts to do this on your own.

Alright then. I guess I will tackle these one by one.

The first time I can remember co-dependent events happening in my life is when I tried to control my siblings. My younger brothers come to mind. I would guilt trip them into doing things with me. Guilt trip them to rollerblade, guilt trip them to play a certain video game.

I have lost time money and energy due to a unhealthy relationship with my father. I worked for him for 10+ years and I only took the job in the beginning under the condition that this would be a short-term gig. Working for him never moved me closer to my goals of financial independence or having less social anxiety because I was babied the entire time. He knew I didn’t like talking to strangers so he had me work positions where talking to people was minimal or non-existent.

I could pick and choose what I did and I became accustomed to a routine of being in isolation at work. I quit on several occasions, trying to break free of this kush lifestyle which was not a challenge and not fulfilling. I would quit the new job after a few days and settle back into my habit of working for my parents and feel terrible for having taken a new job and not being loyal to my parents, while at the same time feeling defeated because I knew I was dependent on them for survival and income and to act as a buffer between me and the rest of the world.

I lost money in this time because I quit working full-time for my parents. I lost energy because I would spend it all on the computer, late at night, isolating myself and distracting me from the reality that I wasn’t in control of my own destiny. I was giving up my power of choice. I could not choose a different career because I let my dad determine my schedule from the jobs he would give me. I couldn’t choose to work on myself because I was so determined to spend all my free time distracting myself with video games and porn.

I gave up on dating because I didn’t feel like I was in a place in life where a romantic relationship was acceptable. I lived with my parents and my parents were a big part of my identity. I would go on a date or two and I would become afraid that the girl I was dating would see who I really was. I would be ashamed to let her in and I would terminate the relationship after the first or second date.

I would feel sad, and want to reach out and date, but I started to realize that I did so only when I was sad. It was as if I were looking for a mother figure to comfort me, now that I was old enough to where I had emotionally distanced myself from my own mother.

Maybe I was looking for something more. I definitely desired sex, but I was not emotionally stable to the point where I could have sex. Touching was even too much, so there was no room for anything further.

I had three female friends when I was in my 20’s who I would love to hang out with. I’d say yes to every one of their invitations, even though they were not into me as a lover of even as a friend. I don’t know what I was to them. Play thing seems like the best description. They would tease me verbally and physically. They knew I had little to no experience with girls and they made it a point to mess with me.

At the time, I didn’t care. I loved the attention and I loved that I was wanted. I thought that maybe if I kept spending time with them, one of them would have sex with me.

I was advised by a co-worker that those friends were no good for me. At the time, I didn’t understand. I appreciated the feeling of being wanted by them. I appreciated the attention I received from them even if they were behaving completely out of mischief.

A brief history of my co-dependency starts with my childhood. My dad was very angry a lot of time time. I think he was stressed out from work. He would take out his anger on his kids. Sometimes he would physically abuse my siblings by throwing them. One time he incited violence by having my brother shoot my sister with a high powered automatic airsoft gun at close range. That’s not okay. That shit leaves marks, can draw blood, and can permanently damage eyes and teeth.

I became obedient, not out of love or support, but out of fear. My mom’s most effective method for getting her children to obey was to threaten to get my dad.

My dad would get angry when he saw my grades. My dad would enact strict after-school routines such as sitting at a desk in his room and studying. It was a small, scary space and I didn’t want to be there.

My dad would help me study, but he was not patient at all. I would become scared and he would become impatient. He would angrily snap his fingers and pronounce, “Fast! you should be fast at this!” snap snap snap. I was so afraid of him during his tutoring that I couldn’t think clearly and I couldn’t learn the material he was trying to drill into me. I just wanted to cry.

I left home after I dropped out of highschool. I lived with friends in a garage for several months, before renting a room from a neighbor. That neighbor was angry and an alcoholic. His breath always stunk of cheap beer. He would smoke a pack or more a day and he had terrible coughing attacks every morning.

He helped me get a job by getting me a phone that I had to use every day to call an employment agency and ask to see if there were any jobs. I did this for a week or two before I got a job at a manufacturing plant.

I thought he was helping me, but eventually I figured out that I was helping him. He would ask for extra money every month because he was behind on bills. I was already paying rent every month, but he was so bad at managing money that I became his interest-free cash advance company.

This was supposed to be a brief history! This is getting pretty advanced. Oh well.

I was upset about being asked for extra money, but I did it month after month. I eventually moved home and that was probably for the best.

It became for the worse when I abandoned my dreams and sought comfort as I worked for my parents for 10+ years.

I had comfort, at the expense of pain and misery.

I was miserable on so many occasions because I felt stuck. I could not quit because I lacked the social skills to work anywhere else. I could not quit because to do so would be disloyal to my parents who had helped me out so much. I could not move out because I only worked part time and I had no money.

I was stuck and miserable, and I wanted to die if I had to keep on going like this.

Ok that’s the history.

First thing I sought was counseling. I sought counseling through my health clinic and they referred me to Frontier Behavioral Heath. I’ve been going there twice a week for group therapy, and individual therapy. I’ve been doing great work there and it’s exactly what I needed to restore my hope and shed the fear of living my own life.

I’ve been learning from reading various books, and talking about them with my counselor. I also have been getting good advice about staying connected with friends even though I may feel like isolating myself.

I was referred to CoDA meetings and those help as well. I hope to share my story with the group at some point, but for now I just listen every week and I can relate to a lot of the stories of others.

I have taken a spiritual journey with psilocybin and come to the conclusion that Chris is an okay guy. He has a lot of problems and weaknesses but I’m happy to be Chris and I’m happy to have the completely unique and interesting experiences. I’m glad and grateful that Chris is alive, and I will continue being Chris for as long as I can.

I have been attending Buddhist Sangha meetings for a few weeks.I enjoy the sense of community and belonging there, the group meditation practice, and the service work we are doing for the community.

Ok I answered all the questions. Time to journal generic shit.

I walked 20 laps around the fire pit today, even though today is a cheat day. I found that it was a good time to think and feel vulnerable in my own uncomfortable ideas.

Uncomfortable idea #1. I don’t even know. It’s not like a took an inventory and took notes. I just felt a little uncomfortable or paranoid about things. Like having to deal with someone dying right in front of me.

I don’t think I even had a specific person in mind. It could have been a stranger for all I know. I just had this thought and it was uncomfortable. That sort of thing could totally happen to me, and it would suck. I would need therapy after that, that’s for sure. That’s all I can think to say about that.

Um, I had an idea to write another novel. Novel #2. My first novel got zero engagement. There were probably zero readers. I couldn’t even read it again, that’s how meh it seemed to be.

Not that I have any regrets. I was happy to write it and make that accomplishment! I think it would be cool to get a hard copy made. Just so I could hold it and feel it and it wouldn’t feel like this thing in the “cloud” that I did, but it would feel like a material thing. That and I could loan it to people and get feedback! LOL, maybe not, it’s too embarrassing. I should at least edit it and put it on Archive of or Own or something.

Or don’t edit it, just release it and see what response it gets.

This is probably the third time I told myself that “I should post St. Ezreal’s School of Espers.” If now now, when?

Now. I just posted it. It’s a rough draft of course, but now it’s out there and the world can read it if they so please! And I get to see how many hits it generates, so that is going to be exciting!

Oh, I just realized that I can post one chapter at a time… not going to do that for this post, but maybe in the future that might be something to do.

While I walked today, I thought it would be so cool to make an MMO. That’s like a life dream to make an MMO, or at least work on a team that makes MMOs. I want to create a really cool world with cool shit that happens!

This got me thinking… MMOs are very difficult to create, so why not write another novel? Maybe a similar universe as St. Ezreal’s school of Espers, but with more advanced characters? Maybe a main character who isn’t afraid of his own sexuality? Maybe more astral realm stuff, spiritual awakenings, and astral selves?

That would be cool.

Work published!

I’m going to go list shit on eBay then do some coding. I’ll end this post with some words of gratitude and some affirmations.

81. I am braver than I feel.
30. I can reach out for help if I need it.
31. I am special. I will not change myself for anyone.

I’m grateful for meditation. Meditation helps me slow down, clear my mind, and figure out what things in life are important to me.

I’m grateful for writing. Writing allows me to express myself, communicate, and create worlds.

I’m grateful for the internet. The internet entertains me, and gives me a platform on which to share.

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