Wed Feb 26 2020

I missed CoDA. I slept through it. I woke up at midnight and I didn’t know the time, so I told myself, “If I can make it to CoDA, I’m going to CoDA.”

Nope. Lol. Not too worried about it.

2:49 AM. So far this morning, I have read out of 6 different books. I spent an hour reading. One of the books I’m reading is I thought it was Just Me by Brené Brown. I read through the introduction today.

Yesterday was the last day of DBT Emotion Regulation. We were provided with food; Watermelon chunks, sugar snap peas, grapes, and turkey/veggie wraps.

I didn’t eat the wraps, obviously, but I appreciated that food was provided. I ate lots of watermelon and peas!

So yeah, I’m in the Shame Resilience group which starts next week so I was provided with Brené’s book. Apparently this group is in high demand, so I will be kicked from the group if I miss a day. Not going to happen!

I had flawless attendance for DBT. No I take that back. I was late twice, but I was there at group for every group.

I can’t say that I’ve had flawless attendance for just about anything. Past work, past school, nothing. Well, now I’m a new me! I can have flawless attendance if I want it!

Being on time or early depends on good planning and execution. Right now I have a good habit of leaving the house 1/2 hour before the event starts. That usually gives me enough time to get there 5 or 10 minutes early. I want a larger buffer. I want to have extra time to spare, should my vehicle break down or I get stuck in traffic. I want to arrive 15 to 20 minutes early.

I have plenty to do in the waiting room. I can sip coffee, use the restroom, or write in my journal.

I can meditate! I did that a little today. I closed my eyes and relaxed my face. I practiced clearing my mind and ushered in a sense of peace.

I got invited to the board game group which happens on Fridays. I’ll go to that because A. is in it. I had a moment today when I was just so infatuated about A. She’s so beautiful and wonderfully quirky and polite and happy and it takes a lot to hold in my urge to SQUEE!

I wanted to tilt my head back and hold in my mind’s eye the image of her cute smile and just revel in that smile and the idea of her soft voice.

Today I learned that humans tend to store angry, scared, and sad events more readily than they store happy events. Something to do with survival instinct.

The way to store happy events is to dwell on it for 15 seconds or more. I immediately used this technique to store a mental bookmark of A.’s smile towards P. I blurred my focus and stared downward and registered her beautiful face and that warm fuzzy feeling I got from it.

I am thinking the thought, “Would A. go for a guy like me?” I think this might be me questioning my self-worth. Something I read today in one of our handouts is that wondering whether or not I’m worthy for something is not helpful, and it’s judgemental.

So instead of wondering my worthiness, I instead should skip that and go straight to flirting. LOL, something like that. Hot damn, I am starting to feel a little twitterpated. Not like, but like infatuation as suggested in the 1942 film Bambi. It must be spring.

I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to hit on A., either. She’s being nice, she’s doing her job and driving community engagement for her clients. I am not going to pursue a relationship with her because it is not appropriate given our client/provider relationship.

Not that it would even go anywhere. My own problem of intimacy would prevent it. And my living situation and blah bloo bleeehhh.

I don’t even want to date. I don’t want to go through that dance of pleasing the other person and feeling fake as shit. I want my romantic relationships to start because we’re friends in a group, not because we want to go on a date and do some dumb thing like pay a shitload of money to watch a film in an auditorium.

I’m not making any sense. I like movies. I might like dates, if it means I get to spend time with someone I like.

Anyway, I’m going to put aside this thought for now. I am going to go to the board game group and socialize, and I’m going to keep my interactions appropriate because I respect the client/provider relationship. No 13 stepping! Event though this is not CoDA, I think that rule should remain in place.

I’m not ready to date. I’m not ready for romance. I am twitterpated because I’m in recovery and I feel good and I’m treating my body well and I’m attracted to happy cute thin quirky girls.

I am happy I have these feelings because I haven’t felt them in a long time. I feel attraction to A. and that’s okay, but it’s important to keep the relationship appropriate for the situation. That is very important and I’m not going to jeopardize my recovery because I feel sexual attraction.

Alright then. That emotion of love has been processed. I am glad that I worked through this emotion because I could act out inappropriately had I not. This is where the regulation part of DBT can come into play for me.

I’m hungry. I don’t think I ate anything yesterday except for the food provided to me during DBT group. Dude my sleep schedule is so fucked. I am trying not to worry about that. I think I just might have to deal with this for my entire life. Sleep schedule drift. My remedy to that is to figure out a way of living that can work around the issue.

Yesterday it became a problem. I missed CoDA and video games with M. because I slept through it.

I think it comes down to the day I got high. I got high on nothing other than hedonism. I stayed up late. I was tired but I ignored my feeling of tiredness. I ignored the shit that was bothering me. I self-medicated by watching heaps of youtube videos, scrolling on twitter and masturbating to hentai.

That night advanced my sleep schedule and set into motion a couple days of depression.

What a stupid addiction. Anyway, it is my addiction and my life is unmanageable due to it. I have good days, i have bad days. I don’t know what I’m getting at.

CoDA is going to be really important for me. I want to share something in CoDA meetings, but I’ve been too scared to talk in CoDA. I think the Shame Resilience is going to help. I also think that I just have to force myself to go to more social events. Like 1 a day, at a minimum. 5 days a week. I need 2 days of being alone, as 90% of my life right now is being alone. I can’t just flip that to 0% alone and be okay.

I could flip it to 0% over time, but I have to do so SLOWLY. I’m a slow learner, so I gotta act in kind.

What am I even writing for? I just want to write to write. I just want to get to my 2000 words already so I can move onto the next thing. I want to list more cards on eBay but I’m only 25 or some away from being at my max.

Here’s an idea. Maybe I get to my max, then remove items which I think have zero chance of selling? I have a bunch of shit items on there which I’d rather throw away to reclaim shelf space. Instead of listing 2 items per day, I could adopt a system where I list items based on my limit for waived insertion fee listings.

I want to be at 1,000 items all the time!

Ew. I don’t like the idea. I want 4,000 items and I want to pay $5 extra a month. Unfortunately, there is no middle ground in this area. eBay is dictator and I have to play by their rules or GTFO.

I guess I could list more on Bonanza. No, I don’t like that idea. I get way more sales on eBay than Bonanza.

I haven’t listed hardly any Weiss Schwarz cards on eBay. I can’t start now, as I would need 1000s of listings to be able to make that work.

I’ve hit a software-defined wall. That’s all there is to it.

Hey wait a minute, I could make a second eBay account! I could do that and for $70 a month or whatever it is, get an additional 1000 items!

Goddamn, I don’t like that idea. This isn’t fair. This may make sense for sellers who sell higher value items, but I’m selling $7 trading cards. Trading cards which sell a couple a month. My only hope for selling higher volume is to list more. My only way to afford to list more is to sell higher volumes. There is a catch-22 here and there is no easy solution.

Maybe I could try selling on Amazon. I think they charge $30 a month. My information on that is probably outdated. I just want to list more cards!

I don’t feel like creative writing. I suppose then, I should do creative writing.

“Hesh. Fell. Trick and Tell.”

Nope, can’t do it. I was trying to come up with some evil chant that a witch calls out as she summons a hex on an adversary. My mind goes blank. That isn’t a subject I am familiar with or interested in.

Whyyyyy aren’t 2000 words already written? I don’t wanna write, I don’t wanna write!

I suppose I could list things I’m grateful for, why I’m grateful for them, and write down some affirmations.

Fuck it, why not.

33. The answer is right before me, even if I do not see it now.
34. I am thankful for…
35. I choose to take good care of myself.

I picked 3 right near each other because I’m feeling lazy.

I’ll just continue #34. I’m thankful for raisins. I am thankful for them because I like how they are chewy and sweet. I like raisins more than I like grapes, which is strange because raisins are grapes. Anyway, I love raisins in my oatmeal. I wish I had raisins now! I wish I had raisins because I would put them in my oatmeal. I would also add peanut butter because the three of those are wonderful together.

I don’t need a sweetener such as sugar if I have raisins. Now that I think of this, I could use some sweetener. Brown sugar, I want that!

I’m hoping to buy groceries in the next few days, once the receipt of my EBT card occurs. I’ll buy raw ingredients which I can use to make many a meal. Oats, Raisins, Brown Sugar, Peanut Butter.

My mouth is watering.

I’m thankful for good food and good recipes. I have become quite good at making Indian style vegan curry, and I look forward to the next time I make it.

I’m grateful for sexual attraction. I don’t know how to express the why I guess it makes me feel good, and that’s just about it.

I’m grateful for trading card storage boxes. Without them, my trading card collection would be an absolute mess. Speaking of which, check out my beautifully organized P-Memories card collection!

A collection of well-P-Memories cards, well organized in a cardboard storage box with partitioned sections containing hand-written set names.

Fuck yeah. These are the cards that I have listed on eBay. The larger sets have dividers between them which help me sort by card number. For example, for the larget sets, I have partitioned sections for card numbers zero through nine, ten through nineteen, twenty through twenty nine, etc.

This picture was taken a few days ago. It’s looking even nicer today, as I continue to sort and label and add sets.

I think I’ll be able to turn a profit on my initial P-Memories investment. Unfortunately, I don’t have the numbers to back up that feeling. In the future, it would be important to be able to track ROI, COGS, etc.

Right now I’m thinking this might just have to remain a side job. I gotta get more income at a more rapid rate, due to having so many expenses and debt, etc.

Anyway, I think I wrote enough for today.

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Check out Sakura Blossom Trading Post