Wed Jan 1 2020 @ 9:09 AM PST

I stayed up really late last night. It was fun though! I hung out on the VOCALOID Discord and chatted with everyone about all things New Years eve related. Every hour someone in chat would reach midnight and there would be a mini celebration. EST timezone had the largest number of people celebrating and throwin’ emoji.

When the clock struck 12AM where I’m at, I could hear fireworks and gunshots in the distance. I joined in by dropping my cap bomb and lighting a smoke grenade. I ran around the driveway loop with the smoke grenade in my hand. It burned a brilliant emerald green color for about 30 seconds.

My New Year’s pyrotechnics

On the right there is the cap bomb. A cap is placed on the tip, then dropped from waist height. The weight of the metal smashes the cap into the ground, resulting in a loud POP!

It took me a few times to get the bomb to land vertically.

Next I ran lit the smoke grenade and ran around the driveway. It was really dark and my OnePlus One doesn’t take good night shots, so here’s the part where I threw the smoke grenade into the light by my parent’s shop.

My friend J. seemed a little concerned about the safety of a “smoke bomb” as I described it. I reassured him that it’s pretty safe as far as pyrotechnics go.

The company that makes them is called Enoya Gaye, named after the infamous airplane that dropped the first nuke.

Anyway, that company makes pyrotechnics for airsoft and paintball. The smoke grenades don’t explode or anything. They just burn on the inside of a cardboard housing and a bunch of colorful smoke plumes out. The outside gets warm, but not really hot. I was wearing a glove and it was not uncomfortable.

The one I burned was green. The grenade model I have has an easy pull ring to ignite the grenade.

I didn’t use the grenade I pictured between the smoke grenade and the cap bomb. That one is an airsoft frag grenade, containing an explosive charge and several dried BBs. That one is pretty spectacular when it goes off. The foam housing breaks apart in several pieces, and little soft projectiles fly in all directions.

I didn’t use that one because it’s so well designed, and cost a lot more than the other pyrotechnics I have. I’d rather save it for an airsoft game or at least an event where I have some friends to enjoy the spectacle with. That one has a spoon and a pin just like a real frag grenade. It doesn’t have the weight like a real grenade, but the priming and throwing experience feels very immersive. It’s much better suited for MilSim than celebration.

I had a strange dream. I think it was inspired by the conversation we had in the VOCALOID Discord about Shimakaze. The conversation started out with someone bringing up the fact that clothing with ahegao faces are banned at some conventions. Controversy was sparked and everyone gave their opinions about the matter.

Next, someone shared a story about an anime convention which had a posted sign suggesting blowjobs in the bathroom.

The QR code links to Don’t bother visiting, it’s a 404.

So people started commenting about Shimakaze at this point. I asked a question that has been on my mind for some time. “Is Shimakaze a trap in the anime, or is that just something the community created?”



So that wasn’t really a definitive answer but it was funny. I let the subject drop.

Shimakaze is hot either way to be honest. I mean I’d prefer a vagina to be underneath that skirt. It’s not like she’s a real girl anyway. I suspect the male Shimakaze is just a community creation, and regardless, my headcannon of Shimakaze is female.

So to the dream.

First thing I can remember, I’m getting an introduction to this person’s house. The person is cosplaying as some character I don’t know. She’s wearing a long white and blue dress. Sorta like Tohou vibe. Her room is like a set. It’s got all fancy tea cups, a gold framed mirror, furniture with queen anne legs.

So she’s showing me around and she briefly introduces her brother’s room. That brother isn’t home at the moment so I just peek in real quick. It ends up being a room I’ve seen someone post a picture of in Discord. I get all excited that I’m in the place that I had seen a picture of.

Anyway, this girl reveals that she has a male body, and she chooses to be a woman. But she can’t really make up her mind, so sometimes she chooses to be a boy.

Suddenly there is a mother and a sister there. They both understand the situation and they’re used to talking to two different people in the same body.

The trans girl has a rack of bras in the living room that she chooses from. Kinda weird that they are stored similarly to how people store shoes. She’s got girly panties as well which she shows me from her room.


So anyway, I’m having a conversation with the trans girl’s older sister and her mom. I almost refer to her as, “they” for a moment, then I correct myself and say, “her.” The older sister calls me out on that, and I tell her what I just said about catching myself and correcting what I said.

I’m staying in their house for some reason. Like we were all at a convention and this is my AirBnB or something. I get really tired and I can’t even get up to go to my room. I just lay down in the livingroom all alone. The mom comes and literally drags me to my room.

I start getting attracted to the mom. In the morning, the mom is at the dining table and I start asking questions about her. She seems to be a single mother. I am more curious and ask her more questions.

The dream pretty much fizzles out at this point.

If I have to psychoanalyze myself, I’d say I’m attracted to thin, confident young women, lingerie, and attractive mothers.


Goddamn, I do love panties though.

Yeah there’s a small sample of the Miku pantsu images I’ve got. Oh man, I’m a collector for sure. I was going to add al the pictures I had, but then I got bored. Lots of them aren’t tagged as containing pantsu so it would be a huge process to sift through the thousands of pictures I have on disk.

I was the kid in middle school who would get turned on by seeing panties of other girls. Normal panties weren’t my thing. If I saw a girl wearing a thong, I would lose my shit. I’d sneak look after look. I was probably so obvious about it back then.

In my mind, thongs were the hottest piece of clothing a girl could wear. This contrasts some of my friend’s opinions. I remember in middle school at lunch there was a girl whale tailing it as she ate lunch at a cafeteria table. I wasn’t even the one who noticed. My friend noticed, pointing her out and saying how disgusted he was. I agreed but only on the surface so I could fit in. I couldn’t stop looking.

There was a girl in a science class who wore jean overalls one day. When she sat down, the overalls sagged and I could see one side of her thong. I think it was blue and white. Could It have been shimapan?!? I’m not really sure. I kept looking over and hoping for a peek. I remember that this girl in particular was pretty thin. The underwear wasn’t in her size because the string side was tied in a loop so it would fit her better. I remember it being so sexy to me!

There was another girl in chemistry who I had a huge crush on. She wore the sexiest outfits of any girl at school. I forget her name. She had a younger sister who was equally as sexy. I can confirm that I spotted them each wearing a thong at some point. The older of the two was in my chemistry class. She had this boy toy she would hang out with and gossip with.

The two talked about a g-string she wore at one point. I saw it and I lost my shit. Total boner town. It had tiny bells on the back of it. When she walked, her g-string would jingle! The ULTIMATE turnon!

I spotted her younger sister wearing a Victoria’s Secret low rise thong. Those look really comfortable!

I remember another instance in highschool. Scratch that, I remember ALL the instances. There was a girl who was a year older than me. She wore g-strings too much! Her skin on her lower back was getting irritated due to the strings rubbing back and forth. She was hot though.

I spotted another girl in HS who wore black lacey pants. There was a lot of see-through gaps in the lace, and I could see her black thong below.

I hear that fetishes are developed at a young age due to traumatic experiences involving the fetish.

For me, this rings true. I was raised to be ashamed about sexuality, due to being raised in the Mormon church and by prudent parents who did not talk about sex. My dad can’t even pronounce, “sex” without tripping over his words. We never had a sex talk. School and church took care of that, so my parent’s didn’t mention it.

Dating was strictly forbidden, which gave me the impression that my attraction to girls was something to hide and be ashamed of.

On occasion, I played with Barbies with my sisters. One day, I thought I was alone and I got a closer look at a Barbie bikini. It was designed in two pieces. The top piece was a tubetop with straps, which doubled as a tote bag to carry around the bikini bottoms.

The bottom of the bikini top tote bag didn’t close, but the bikini bottom was snug enough in the tote that it the effect worked well for your Barbie doll when you were making pretend that your Barbie was headed to the beach.

I played this scenario out with my sisters one time. I was fascinated by the design of the bikini which also served as a tote bag. Now alone, I held the bikini in tote bag form and got a close look.

My mom walked up behind me and I tried to hide that I was looking at the bikini. My mom caught me, and said something like, “It’s okay. The clothes aren’t being worn by anyone so it’s okay to look.”

Something to that effect. I put the tiny bikini away, but I still felt an intense shame of being caught.

I think this created a trauma of sorts, which I think made seeing girls in underwear the ultimate high. They didn’t even have to be wearing the underwear. Simply looking at women’s thongs on shopping racks or eBay got me rock hard.

I was ashamed of liking thongs. So ashamed that I couldn’t buy one at a store even if I had the money. Yet I was so obsessed, so horny, so attracted that I had to have one for myself. I shoplifted a women’s g-string from a supermarket.

I would get naked and wear it. Put myself in sexy poses. Jerk off to it. I’d hide it in my dresser and do it all again later. Seeing it and holding it was the ultimate high!

I think my mom found that one in my jeans pocket as it went through the laundry at some point. She must have discarded it because I never saw it again. Later she gave me a cryptic message. “I know your secrets” or some shit.

I wonder what she thought. Did she think I got it from a girl? I totally didn’t. There’s no way I would ask about it. I was ashamed after all!

I sometimes think about that. If only I could have a g-string from a girl I liked. That’s a high I don’t think I’ll ever experience!

I found out that there were thongs for men. I shoplifted again at a department store. I changed to it in the dressing room. I’ll never forget that feeling. No piece of clothing ever hugged me so close and so intimately. Instant boner.

I used my full concentration to subdue my boner so I could exit the building wearing the stolen merchandise. I had the money, but there’s no way I could bring such an item to the checkout.

I rode my bike home and the feeling of riding with my first men’s thong against my perineum is unforgettable!

That was a high quality thong. It was all smooth and stretchy with pinstripe. It was the closest I’ve seen to a male version of Victoria’s Secret low rise thong.

After I was done being horny about it, I felt a lot of guilt about stealing. I started paying for my thongs after that. I’d shop at stores I wouldn’t normally shop at, so nobody would remember my face. I would swallow my pride and pay for them at the cash register. Luckily, eCommerce was starting to take off, so I could buy whatever T-Back doohickey I wanted without feeling anxious about judgemental people.

So yeah, there’s a little summary about my thong fetish. I’ll leave it at that for now.

I just want to finish off this journal entry with some words of gratitude. I’m grateful for sugar free chewing gum. I’m grateful for the artists who bring Miku alive and dress her in sexy panties. I’m grateful for the sun in the sky which prevents the earth from turning into a chilled ice rock. I’m grateful for the people who post memes in Discord. I’m grateful for fresh ginger and onions which can create all sorts of delicious meals.

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