Wed Jan 15 2020

I think I’ve made a connection which has informed me on exactly why I sometimes wake up completely exhausted. It’s food. I was snacking on trail mix and raisins last night just about an hour or two before bed. That food in my stomach made it almost impossible for me to fall asleep because I couldn’t stop burping. I felt like my airways were restricted because I was bloated. I was exhausted but my body wouldn’t relax and drift off to sleep.

No doubt my body was digesting while I was sleeping, and I woke up with a dry mouth. I don’t even have to pee. I’m probably dehydrated.

I’ve slept really well a few nights this week, when I was strict about intermittent fasting. I think I slept 6 hours or so after eating, and that resulted in good sleep.

It’s amazing how much my digestive system affects my mood as well. Yesterday when I had a health clinic visit and group therapy, I was so calm and at peace. My stomach was empty.

I got some messages from potential eBay buyers. The most annoying message is people asking for me to end an auction listing so they can low ball me on an item. That’s what the offer button is for! If there’s no offer button, that means I want the item to sale at auction! Fuck off!

That’s what I want to say. But I gotta keep it civil, and be customer service oriented. Grrrrrrr.

The item in question is a Dualshock 2 Controller I did the good seller thing and I added a Buy It Now button for $25. I bought the controller for $5, so that’s 3 times what I bought it for. That’s a decent return. I do have to pay for shipping which will be about $5, so that brings it down to a 2x return. I could probably do better.

Maybe I should not allow customers to make these kinds of decisions for me? I wasn’t planning on doing a buy it now on this. I dunno. The impatient person who can’t wait 7 days for an auction to end could just end up to be a scammer, and I would make negative moneys on the item. The item for sale could end up making me more money if I leave it as an auction. It could also potentially make less because impatient people take their business elsewhere. It’s a gamble either way.

I’m feeling nervous(3). I think I need to go out and walk today. I took yesterday off, which was nice. Today I want to get caught up on eBay listings. I have a box of stuff from yesterdays thrift haul, as well as a box from my mom of old cameras. I volunteered to donate them to a thrift store so I could get a coupon! Before I do that, I’m going through and seeing if any of them have commercial value. There’s a maglight in there as well! That’s worth something. I would keep it myself if I weren’t trying my damnest to get out of debt through my entrepreneurial efforts.

I wanna stay home today. I’m not feeling like going out, but I think I need to. Firstly, I gotta see if I can exchange the faulty Turtle Beach headset I bought yesterday. I didn’t get a receipt, so I think it may just be a loss. I also have to ship one thing. It’s small enough to where I can mail it, so I’m thinking I’ll just go the route of sticking it in the mailbox for collection tomorrow.

Whether I go out or stay in is an issue of money. Going out incurs a fuel fee. It incurs the risk of getting pulled over for having expired tabs. It incurs a time fee. I have a backlog of stuff to do here, so I think staying home is the winner for today.

I got a cool water jug from the thrift store. It’s looks like a mini version of those gatorade… things. Like the things you see at football games that the players pour Gatorade from. IDK what those are called! Anyway, $1.25 was the cost.

That’s seriously a steal. I’m going to sell this on eBay and see what sort of interest I get from buyers.

I think I’ll just do buy-it-now or offers on all my items. I’ll err on the side of caution and put the buy-it-now price more than I would be willing to pay. If the people don’t like that, they can use the auction. If they don’t like that, they’re cheap fucks and it’s too bad for them.

I want a PlayStation TV. Then I could record Project Diva videos.

Ugh, I’m feeling seriously anxious(6). Anxiety from what shoppers might message me about. I need to get outside and exercise to deal with some of this anxiety. It’s 11:24AM now. I’ll go out no later than 12PM. Actually, I’ll just do it now because that’s what I need.

There’s a chapter in the book, Codependency No More which says that codependents don’t give themselves what they need. There is an exercise that says to write down what I need on a daily basis. Or even on an hourly basis.

Right now I need to use my body and get some exercise. I need water. I need to brush my teeth.

I didn’t even think of that second and third item until I decided to try the exercise. Amazing! I’ll have to use that exercise more often.

I feel like reciting a few words of affirmation. I deserve nothing less than love and belonging.

Oh, before I forget… Last night I did yoga with my parents. My dad is apparently having some pain in his limbs, and stiffness, so he started doing yoga in the living room. IDK if his doctor prescribed that or whatever, but my mom and I just joined in. Yesterday was great and I was not feeling very anxious. I was trying to open up a little bit, feel vulnerable, and be more my true self around my parents. I let myself follow along with the yoga youtube video my dad had playing without self judgement, without hate. I followed the breathing exercises. I closed my eyes and was mindful.

That was a new experience for sure. Maybe I could get my parents to come to a yoga class or something. Eventually… I think they might not be up for that. Or maybe we could go on a hike and do yoga when we reach a nice vista.

ok training time.

Jackfruit looks like flesh. It looks physically revolting. I chopped some up and it on my pizza. My pizza smells FANTASMIC. I made the dough and the pizza sauce from ingredients. I’m so ready to eat it. It’s almost done cooking. I’m studying japanese now. LOW BLOOD SUGAR DETECTED.

I ate that food with a rapidness unlike most mastication sessions. I’m watching Nick Robinson’s Don’t Know What Year It Is Challenge

I find Nick to be so funny. I think he stepped up his goofies for 2020. The editing and half-assed VFX is HILARIOUS. Total Tim & Eric Awesome Show vibes. He went to Norway where the sun doesn’t rise at all, and he’s trying his darndest to not know what time it is.

I wonder what it would be like to live in a hotel 24/7. That must cost a lot! But just imagine not having to ever clean again! Oh wow, that’s attractive.

I’m feeling sleepy after having devoured that pizza. I wanna eat more. How strange is that? I probably just need some hydration.

Boy I feel slow. Like very very tired.

I napped for several hours. I caught myself snoring. I was hella bloated. I woke up from what felt like it should have been a restful nap, but I was still exhausted so I went back to sleep.

I’m thinking gluten might be inflaming my body. I did not feel good after eating gluten. Well, it was a whole pizza and I just scarfed it down. I think anybody would feel not good after that.

It’s 10:40 now. I just published Jamuary2020 Jam 15.

Jamuary is just about half over. This makes me wonder, what will February be? I’m thinking I should do another challenge. Every day of every month of every year I want to be doing some sort of challenge. I’ll do some research and see if there are any global February challenges. If not, I’m thinking either art or code. Maybe I could resolve to make a game in a month. I’m kinda doing that now, but I’m not completely committed to sticking to a routine of completing a daily code challenge.

Daily code is a stretch goal at the moment. First comes my journal, second comes Jamuary.

I like the break from logical thinking that music gives me. Music doesn’t stress me out because it’s completely creative and fun. I want more of that in my life.

I want more true Chris in my life. I don’t want my alter-ego, Craig, who I created for survival purposes. Craig is a people pleasing, bumbling idiot. Craig says yes even when Chris says no. Craig rescues people unnecessarily, and thinks for other people.

I read two more chapters of Codependent No More. I wrote down some words that resonated with me.

We don’t trust our thoughts. We don’t trust our feelings. We think our opinions stink. We don’t think we have the right to say no.

Codependent No more

I think this describes my mental process quite well. It’s a codependent pattern that I would like to reduce in my mind.

The biggest manifestation of these behaviors comes about when I talk to my dad. He often asks me to do jobs that I don’t want to do. I’m miserable doing those jobs. I’m miserable working for him at all. I thought quitting Industrial Communications would solve my depression, but it only continued because I didn’t get to the root of the problem.

The root of the problem is my codependency with my dad. He has provided for me when he shouldn’t have. I got a paycheck for about a year even though I wasn’t working at all. I get a paycheck for doing jobs for him now. I want it to end. It’s time I detach.

Next time he asks me to do a job, I have to decline. It’s for my own sanity, my own mental health. I deserve nothing less than love and belonging. I’m no longer seeking love and belonging from my dad. I’m seeking love and belonging in a new tribe, one I haven’t discovered yet. Until then, I have to detach from my dad financially.

Who we are is okay. Say what we mean and mean what we say. We can say no– whenever we want to. Our opinions count.

Codependent No more

This is a big one. This is what makes saying no something I can do. My words and my actions determine who I am. Am I to be a servant to my father for the rest of time? No, I don’t want do to that anymore. I want to live intentionally, and not simply be a inanimate goo that oozes into the nooks and crannies of what’s available.

There’s a book mentioned in Codependent No More. Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?

I want to read that book because that title is ME. I am afraid to be who I am, and to communicate that person to people. This is why I’m going to therapy and undergoing the changes to make my life better.

My dad sometimes says thanks for doing work for him because it helps him out. It helps him. It’s not helping me anymore; the relationship is no longer mutual.

I’m feeling anxious(4) about that conversation. I actually have to communicate and tell him no, tell him why. Wait, I don’t have to tell him why. I just have to say no. That’s what the book says. I don’t have to explain, I simply have to say no, and stop.

I don’t want to tell him the real reason. I’m not ready to come out and say I’m codependent on him. I’m not ready to say I’ve been unhappy to serve him for so many years.

If I feel compelled to give a reason, I can simply say I’m busy with my other efforts, and those are the ones that are most important. Web development, my eBay business, health and fitnesss, VOCALOID community… Those are the most precious things. eBay isn’t fun, but it’s tolerable. My work with my dad is neither fun nor tolerable and I want to eliminate those things.

If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel regret for discontinuing my work with my dad. I would feel regret for not having more and better relationships with people.

That’s it for now. I’m grateful for journalling. I’m grateful for homemade pizza sauce. I’m grateful for maple syrup.

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