Wed Jan 20 2021

I’m having difficulty working with my friend in order to get a podcast episode edited. I want the audio file he recorded, so I can combine his microphone audio with the audio that I recorded. I’m too hesitant to ask, because I feel like I don’t have the right to ask.

I don’t know who’s podcast this is. I don’t know who’s job it is to edit. I feel like we’re stepping on each other, going back and forth with e-mails and there is no clear leader or goal.

What is the story that this podcast episode tells? I don’t think there is one. I think I was just not feeling that great during recording, and I wasn’t doing very good as a interviewer. There was one point where Toledo asked me a question and I completely ignored it. For fucks sake, I’m just not digging this episode.

I want to be honest. I want to tell C.T. that this podcast is my project. I am going to slap my name on it. His name will appear only in the episodes where he appears. I am going to have other people on the podcast.

Fuck, I am not in a good place right now. I woke up tired, because I ate too much last night before bed, and my body must have been busy processing food rather than healing itself.

I just want this podcast episode to be over with. If it didn’t drag on so long, I wouldn’t be suffering as much. Nah, I think the real problem is how I’m not addressing the elephants in the room. I’m not addressing the name of the podcast and how it’s my project, not our project.

I’m also not addressing how I don’t even want to do this project. I have so many other ongoing projects, do I really want to add another todo item to my DPC? Do I want to force myself to have a recorded conversation every week? What about off-the-record conversations? Will those just become a thing of the past?

I’m having second thoughts about this project. I wanted to talk to people and have conversations, but putting this episode together is putting me into the role of audio engineer. I can normalize the audio to -1dB, then apply a compressor, and that gives us some decent audio but it’s got a heck load of noise. I could apply a noise reducer after that, but it renders less than stellar results. Then on top of all that, each of those steps takes 3 minutes to complete, because of the length of the audio recording. Then on top of that, there are varying levels of audio throughout the recording, which means that a compressor setting that works for a majority of the conversation leaves the minority of the conversation with too low of levels.

I could brute force this edit, and get something that is okay, but what’s the point? It would literally take me all day to figure this out, and I aint got time for that!

I have a business to build. I can’t spend my day on this project that isn’t going to go anywhere. Again, I’m having second thoughts. I don’t want to record any more conversations at this point.

The exciting part of this project is the website that I already built. I was so excited to upload a video because it would populate the website… The content? I don’t even want to watch it, so why would anyone else?

I wasn’t having a good time with C.T. during the recording. Honestly I was spending all my time focusing on not freaking the fuck out. I was tense and upright and afraid and I think it shows. I am not a good podcast host and I don’t want to be a podcast host.

Ok then. I think I’ll terminate the podcast idea right here.

I played around with the audio in Audacity for a couple hours. I could get okay results with a -1dB normailzation, and a compressor, but that amplifies the background noise. There’s so much tinkering that I’d have to do to get that to be a decent listening experience.

Ugh, I think I’m having second thoughts about this podcast project. I never intended to play audio engineer and I’m not enjoying this process. I think this highlights the importance of good audio from the start! it’s my fault and I’m disappointed in myself.

Honestly I think the most exciting thing for me about making a podcast was that I’d get to build a website with an RSS feed. I already made it. I made it the day after our first conversation using Eleventy static site generator.

Something I can’t stop thinking about is the name of the podcast. Who’s podcast is it? I know it was originally your idea, but then it became my idea, then I invited you and we recorded a couple episodes… I had this idea to call it, “100 conversations” where 100 is my goal for the number of conversations that I want to record. But that would be my project, not our project. But was there ever an, “our”? I think that might just be my codependency issues at work, and me feeling like I have to ask permission to do things or that I have to put myself in a position of subservience.

I think I enjoy talking to C.T., but what’s with all this extra production shit? Maybe I had to make it a production to make it easier to talk, but now this production has made it difficult to move forward and talk again.

I say this, and yet I don’t want to talk again.

Am I not wanting to talk again because I’m afraid of another burdening production? Or am I not wanting to talk because I’m afraid of platonic intimacy? Or am I not wanting to talk because I’m afraid I’ll put myself in a less-than position, where I can’t express myself freely, and I have to do everything I can do to serve, listen to, and relieve the person I’m talking to?

Nyanners just went live, and I’m enticed by the distraction that she would provide me. If I watch Nyanners, I won’t have to think about this issue. I can let this issue fizzle out and become forgotten.

Nah, I don’t want to do that. I want to attack this problem head-on. I want to dissipate the shitty feeling that I’ve been having the past few days. It’s the feeling of knowing that I’ve got something to do (edit a video, make a podcast) and I’m putting it off. By procrastinating, I’m avoiding the uncomfortable feelings surrounding the issue of being up-front about my issues about the podcast name & ownership. I’m avoiding the shame that I feel knowing that C.T. but a lot of his thoughts into each episode we recorded, and due to my A/V technical inefficiencies, I shat on every one of his topics.

I didn’t send the e-mail. I’m feeling too emotional to send the e-mail.

I think it might be nap time. I’m feeling like collapsing onto the floor and doing nothing. I almost said, “dying.”

So that’s depression! I am depressed in this moment!

That’s okay. It’s okay to have a bad day. I’ll get through this.

I can’t sleep though. I have game group at 1.

I think I will… Have a snack. Oatmeal, perhaps.

I still have 10 minutes to write, though. Fuck writing! I’m not feeling happy right now. I’m not feeling like I want to write or I want to do anything.

I want to respond to C.T.’s e-mail, but there’s so much that’s on my mind. There’s so many conflicting things and I don’t want to say everything that’s on my mind because it exposes my FLAWS and my WEAKNESSES.

Not that C.T. is an unsafe person to share with. HECK, I’m willing to publish my entire fucking personal journal on the internet, but I can’t share parts of it with my friend? I don’t make sense. waddafuck, m8?

I was thinking about how a lot of the time when I journal difficult topics, I end on a positive note after I work through the issues and I feel a strong sense of relieve. Then there’s the fact that I write in the periods according to a pomodoro timer, so there’s sometimes when I’m finished with the topic, and I’m just adding fluff to the end. That fluff is often feel-good shit and affirmative content and today I’m just not feeling that. I want to end immediately when I am done writing the main content, and I don’t want to get into that sap shit because I don’t want to get into that sap shit. I don’t want to feel those feelings right now. Right now I want to run and hide and distract and not think about it.

I wonder if playing Squad last night has anything to do with how I’m feeling right now? I did have a moment in Squad when I was in the heat of battle and I corrected another player when they used a military term incorrectly. They said, “danger close” to tell their squadmates that there was an enemy within 100 meters.

“That’s not what danger close means, sir.”


“I always thought danger close meant that there were enemies within 100 meters.”

random player

“Danger close means that there are friendlies within 100 meters of the mortar target”


Why did I need to correct this player? I understood what they were trying to say to me and my squadmates.

I think Squad brings out shitty attributes of my personality, and IDK how I feel about that. In that moment, I put myself in a, “greater-than” postion, and corrected the player in their usage of jargon. Heck, a LOT of players use “danger close” to communicate that there are enemy players nearby. I hear it used incorrectly A LOT.

But why the fuck does it matter? Why the fuck do I need to go out of my way and correct the person who uses the phrase incorrectly?


I don’t think it does matter. I just want to play the game and have fun and do my best and win and shit. And the other player probably wants that too. And I’m probably putting up a wall between us when a barrier-less situation between us teammates would probably help us do better as a team.

time’s up. later, fuckers!

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