Wed Jan 8 @ 9:47 AM PST

I went to bed early last night. I feel so rested! Yesterday I didn’t eat much either. I had a snack before therapy, a snack after, and a large curry meal for lunner. Oh yeah, I also tried diet A&W root beer which is grossssss. I just took some sips of that. I generally don’t like soda.

My parents are going to seattle for the rest of the week. I’ll be watching the dogs and the fish. I’m getting paid $30 a day to do so. Pretty cool, pretty cool.

I gotta let the dogs out every 3 hours, from 7:30AM to 10:30PM. I’ll have to adjust my sleep schedule a little bit to be able to get up at 7:30 every morning. I don’t think I’ll have any problem with it. The dogs are depending on me and I’m not about to let them down.

I gotta clean my ear out. Q-tips aren’t cutting it, I gotta soak it with hydrogen peroxide and wash with water using a bulb syringe. I don’t get it. When I was younger, my ear wax was always soft and I could use a q-tip to clean my ears. Now, q-tips are mostly useless. All they do is compact my hard earwax, they no longer cling to the earwax. The joys of getting older, I guess.

It’s just so boring having to hold my head sideways and let the hydrogen peroxide do it’s job. BOoooooring. I guess I could lay down and read while I do that. Or I could hold my head to the side and type this blog? That sounds pretty uncomfortable. My left ear is really bothering me so I think I should just bite the bullet and doit.

I did it. I cleaned my ear. I read some chapters in the book I’m reading as well.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

I’m on chapter 13 now. Chapter 11 gave me an exercise which I think I will do now.

How do you feel about yourself? Write about it. Include the things you like or don’t like about yourself. Reread what you have written.

I feel.. Stupid. I’m a totemo totemo bakka. I have wasted a shit ton of time doing things I hate doing, just so I could continue to do things I hate doing. When I had free time, I would desperately try to numb the feelings of not having done anything worth doing by playing video games and scrolling through twitter and watching endless youtube videos.

I was upset when youtube removed the counter that showed exactly how many videos I have watched, because the number was astounding and I treated it like a badge of honor. I spent 1000 hours in League of Legends. I became quite good at reading peoples attacks and reacting to them, but overall I think the time I spent was for a useless skill.

Today I avoid people because I don’t want to feel vulnerable. I feel such fear for feeling weak that I avoid every situation where I may appear as such. I avoid people because I feel a need to please them. I wait to express my opinion until I hear the other person’s. If I think my opinion is inline with theirs, I’ll express mine. If not, I won’t share.

I anticipate people’s feelings and try to act in a way that won’t make them upset. I assume people will react a certain way to what I have to say.

I form identity profiles when I’m with people. I keep my voice low in groups so only the person I’m talking to can hear me. This way I can have an identity with that person, which differs from the identity I have when I talk to the next person. I do this so I can be a perfect match for each person I’m talking to. I hate it when I do this, but I can’t seem to help it. One more reason why I don’t socialize.

I think I’m incredibly stubborn. I keep trying to be a web developer even though I think I’m mediocre and it will never work out. I look for positive reinforcement from people I present my projects to. If I don’t get positive reinforcement, I feel like a failure.

When I do get positive reinforcement, I feel like I’m pathetic for having sought it.

I have a thought that I’m a fantastic developer. Not because I have the best skills, but because I’m persistent. When I need to learn something to accomplish a task, nothing stops me from learning what I need.

When I go to apply for tech jobs, I choke up. I can only think of how inadequate I am. I can only think that nobody will take me seriously because I’m a shut-in NEET.

I feel trapped and alone and I will never succeed because I’m pathetic and unworthy of success.

I don’t apply to web development jobs because I feel inferior, even though I know I could bring a lot of talent and skill to a company. My former co-worker wants me to come back. I’m told I’m a good worker.

Of course I’m a good worker. I’m a codependent! I’ll do more than my fair share, I’ll work to my own detriment and never say no.

Just fuck that. I demand stress level zero. I demand the freedom to be myself.

Ok so that’s one exercise out of the way. Let me do another one, which is to write down a feeling I felt.

I felt anxiety when I was out for a walk today. I felt anxiety when one of my parent’s dogs was barking. I was thinking someone had come to the door and the dog is giving them trouble.

I recognized the anxiety and gave it a name. “to name it is to tame it” as the saying goes. That’s what I learned yesterday, anyway.

I was anxious that the driver would be offended by the dog barking. I remembered some lessions in the book I’m reading which said I can’t think like that. This situation was out of my control The UPS driver who had pulled up to the house has to think for themselves. I’m not responsible for their thoughts or actions. The dog is going to be a dog. The dog happened to be outside when the driver came around and it’s just a coincidence.

That was the end of that shameful thought.

I experienced it, I used my wisdom, and I let it go. I think that’s how that’s supposed to work? Idk, it’s an iterative process. I think I did okay.

Therapy tomorrow at 10am. I’m neither looking forward nor anxious about it. It’s just something I do now, and it generates a mixture of feelings.

I’m frustrated that I have to drive. I don’t like driving because my vehicle is in bad shape, and it’s license is expired. I’m often frightened when driving because I come up with terrible situations in my head of things which might happen. Collisions because I can’t stop in time, or a sudden structural failure…

Parking is usually fine, but sometimes I get anxious about things which could happen. Running into a parked car, running into a pedestrian…

Once I’m at the therapy office, I’m anxious about saying hi to the security guard. The two gentleman I have seen seem like friendly guys, but I’m anxious about that eye contact.

I’m anxious about going into the waiting area and finding a seat. I’m worried that my breath stinks. I’m worried that I’ll have to pee. The bathroom door is always closed and there is no occupied sign, so I’m anxious that I would intrude on someone in the bathroom or not be able to use it before I start my session.

I’ve done the previous enough times to where I’m okay with it. I just pee before I leave the house, I don’t gulp tons of water, I bring chewing gum, and I write on paper when I’m waiting. I’ve got that routine down alright.

The actual therapy is difficult at times, and easy at others. It’s difficult when I have to open up and talk about things that bother me. Relationships with my father, for example. I’d rather not talk about that until it’s no longer a current issue. I’d rather move out first, then talk about my relationship with him. But I guess that’s not a good way to do things. I have to be okay with myself NOW, not in some far off condition which may or may not even occur.

I’m looking forward to pancakes today! My bananas look sufficiently ripe at this point, so I’m going to go ahead and make them at about 2:30PM. It’s 12:55PM now. At 1:30 I gotta let the dogs out again. I bet they will not want to go out. It’s cold and Mini dog doesn’t like going outside in teh cold.

At least the snow melted. It’s 43 deg F and overcast today. I don’t like snow. It’s pretty but it gets in the way of everything! Driving, walking, sports… I should move LOL.

No really, I should move. I don’t want to live in American society. Everything is taxed to the extreme. Government introduces new taxes every year, because growth the American way. Grow the profit margins. Make everything as efficient as inhumanly possible!

Government no longer knows it’s place. Citizens no longer know what government is supposed to be. Citizens don’t even know what government is at the most basic level.

What is government? You tell me. Don’t tell me what government does, that’s not what I’m asking. As a concept, what is government? I’ll give you the answer tomorrow.

I’m writing as if I have readers. LOL.

How cool would that be. To be a paid writer. I could do it. I’ll write 5000 words a day for the right salary. $100K a year and I’ll give you 5000 words a day. Or maybe you want a novel? One novel a year? I’ll give you two novels a year for that price.

I’m probably being ridiculous. I’m not a good writer. I’m just good at following systems I put in place. I’m good at doing what I love to do.

I’m hoping I can live my dreams. Ugh, I’m ashamed I even phrased it that way. I’m going to live my dreams or I’m going to die trying. That’s better.

Nobody is going to gift me the life I want. I have to assume that life. I have to TAKE IT.

I’m distracted now. Feeling hungry and don’t want to finish writing. I’m outta resources! Sorta. Net worth is -$1,600 and dropping further. Not good!

Time for WINTERGATAN WEDNESDAY! Holy shit, did Martin stop numbering his videos? The video title is simply, “Renovating my Guitar.”

I guess I could talk about what I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for VOCALOID Club Discord Server. Not to be confused with VOCALOID Discord server.. Sometimes I don’t think certain staff members do a good job at making people feel welcome in the VOCALOID Discord server. VOCALOID Club seems to be less uptight about certain things. The atmosphere of VOCALOID Club seem a little more relaxed, and a little more playful as compared to VOCALOID Discord which at times seems like people take things too seriously and are maybe stressed out and acting on that stress.

I’m grateful for group therapy. It’s not bad at all like I was thinking it might be. I’m learning a lot of strategies to regulate my emotions and I appreciate the effort put into it by the organizers.

I’m grateful for Project Diva. All of them. I played Project Diva X last night, playing through songs on hard. I haven’t played in a few weeks… I’m rusty! It all came back after some practice though. I love the medleys SO MUCH!

Hatsune Miku Symphony. It exists, and I’m grateful for it. I don’t think I would want to see a live performance because I wouldn’t be able to dance, and I think all I would do is fight back tears nonstop. Maybe if I would allow myself to cry it would be worth it. But I don’t know if I’m there in my acceptance of vulnerability yet.

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