I forgot to write today. Err, yesterday. I still consider this a Tuesday log because it’s …
Nah it’s just a Wednesday post. It’s 12:07AM. Just got off Squad with Save. Had 2 good rounds and 1 really bad one on Narva. A bummer ending to the night, but we had a really great Talil Outskirts. We basically sat on the hangers all round and did a lot of defending from incoming Squads.
I was really pleased with how I did on this map. My score was epic, but even better was how I handled being a squad leader and communicated with everyone. I requested ammo and backup from other squads. I coordinated our infantry to respond as enemy units rolled in.
And look at my score! 14 kills, 5 deaths, 16 downs, 1 revive. I’m really pleased with both my shooting and my leadership in that round.
So yesterday morning I got up and took care of 4 eBay shipments. I walked them out to the mailbox and then I jumped on my bicycle and rode around the block. Nice cool weather today.
There was a Avista meter reader making his rounds. As I left my apartment he was walking in the backyard and we exchanged hellos. That would be a hard job LOL. I bet there are people who don’t like the meter reader walking into their backyard.
I suppose everyone just kind of agrees to it though. It’s one of the conditions for having electricity and all.
It’s such a sparingly thing that I even notice meter readers. The last time I recall seeing one was when I lived in my childhood home.
After I got home from bicycling, I got cleaned up then I had a therapy session via Zoom. It went well. We went over some worksheets and I talked about how I was depressed last week.
12:19AM. I think my adrenaline high from playing Squad just wore off. I’m probably going to go to bed soon.
After the therapy session I jumped on Hacker News and read about a new video conferencing service. I couldn’t get it to display any video so I shot a message to the developer. He ended up asking to join my call and I had a video call with him.
I never do that! I had a conference call with a stranger!
I blurred his face because I didn’t ask for permission to photograph him. But it was an interesting conversation we had. He asked for some details about my OS and browser, whether or not the console showed error messages, etc.
We had about a 10 minute conversation about how I’ve been trying out different conferencing apps. He said he created mixaba because he has a large family and everybody talks over eachother when they use Zoom.
We both expressed some frustration with Zoom and how it requires downloads when there’s really no technical need for it.
My anxiety level was very low during this call. I wasn’t there to please him. I paused and listened to what Andrew had to say. I was just there to talk and try out the software.
I think there is room for improvement in my conversational skills. I didn’t ask questions, I was just answering them. That’s something I want to improve on.
Sometimes I ask questions but I don’t actually care to know the answer. I think I’m just small talking when I do that. There are actual questions I might be curious about, but those questions only become apparent when I stay calm and observe the person through my authentic identity.
Andrew asked for feedback and criticism. That’s a real classy developer right there! I said I was confused by the squiggly red underlines on some of the headings. When I saw them, I thought my browser was trying to tell me that there are spelling errors.
Andrew said that the red lines were inspired by postage stamps, after which I immediately recognized the similarity.
I mentioned that I am very familiar with postage stamps because I have an eBay store. Andrew asked what kind of things I sell and I replied by holding up a K-ON P-Memories card I had at my desk.
“Trading cards like this one featuring cute anime girls”
I said with an awkward smile. I think I might have weirded Andrew out a little bit but that’s okay. I felt vulnerable expressing my interests but that’s okay and I’m grateful for the people in my life who accept me for who am and what I like.
We concluded the call and then I updated my Social Distancing Apps post.
Apparently Hong Kong has fallen to China. I’m hearing rumors that COVID-19 was released on purpose as a mechanism for suppressing riot in Hong Kong. I don’t know what to believe. It’s all gossip. I don’t have enough information to settle on any one way of thinking.
8 orders to ship in the morning. Holy Santoni, I like that! Gimme 20 a day! No, gimme 200 a day!
Is the economy starting up again? I’d really like that. It’s time.
If I could get 8 orders a day, I think I’d be in a good place. Financially speaking, of course. I have to find a way to get in a good place no matter what happens. I don’t have that skill yet. I get bummed out when I’m broke. I get bummed out when I’m tired. I get bummed out when I experience conflict.
I’m just really pleased overall at how things are going. I have a bicycle now. I had a video conference with a stranger. I don’t feel quite as nervous when I connect to TeamSpeak and talk with gamer friends.
I felt such little anxiety when I was in a call with my therapist. I didn’t feel the imaginary pressure that I normally feel when I speak with people.
IMAGINARY PRESSURE
I realized that I had this idea that I have to perform when I talk to people. I have to say the right thing. I have to act normal when I talk. I have to fill my societal obligations and feel guilty if I’m not where I should be.
That’s all bullshit. I don’t know where I learned it, but it’s bullshit and that way of thinking is something I’m going to work on deleting from my mind.
I’m hungry. It’s definitely time to go to the grocery store. Wednesday is a perfect day to execute my plan! Bike shop and grocery store and chillin’ in the park.
I’ll have a little picnic in the park. What park would I go to though?
Looks like Terrace View park is the closest park.
OMG Lex is going to die! Don’t die, Lex!
3:59 PM. I reluctantly woke up at 7:30 AM and packed and shiped six orders. Technically there were nine orders, but there were a few orders which I could combine items into one package because they were going to the same person.
I woke up reluctantly because I was tired, not because I didn’t want to work. I love my job, I’m grateful for it, and I am stoked to pack and ship every morning!
I’m grateful that I have that 8:30AM shipping last call in my mornings, because they anchor my schedule and ensure that I get an early start.
My dad was working on the back yard when I walked to the mailbox. It seems that he hired some helpers as well. My dad was operating his tractor, dumping loads of dirt into a trailer and talking to a lively worker. I only overheard a few sentences from a distance, but that guy seemed genuinely excited about what they were talking about. I’d place a wager that he is the type of guy that loves his job.
I’m getting to that place, the place of where I love going to work every day.
9 orders this morning really got me excited. I have a number of promotions going on right now, and I’m seeing some buyers take full advantage of those sales. I’m pretty happy with that. I’m not passively accepting orders, I’m actively driving sales every day!
I got some new Twitter followers. Lots of people are joining my weekly giveaway the day before it ends. Get those follows in, folks! 8 hours to go until the giveaway ends.
Just got another sale! I sold my DVD copy of the Japanese live action Death Note. (Not that 2017 Netflix bullshit.)
If I had the space and good finances, I would just keep the DVD because it’s a really well produced movie. But I don’t, so I sent a 50% markdown offer to an interested watcher and they accepted.
That’s how I’m driving sales! Offers, special promotions, and Twitter marketing. Poor economy? Drive those sales!
And another one. a $3 No Game No Life trading card featuring Shiro.
HAHAHAHA. I almost feel guilty for making these sales. The card especially. I get cards like this for $0.10 and I sell them for $3.00.
Sure, I put in the work. I take the photos, I sort the cards and store them so I can easily find them in the future. I take inventory, make promotions… This is a full time job for sure and when I factor in my time, $3 is not enough. LOL.
That’s why I don’t feel guilty. I don’t feel guilty because I’m working my ass off. I have customers who appreciate the products I provide. I can only continue to serve them if I am compensated in some way. The customers figuratively keep the lights on!
I ate then took a nap.
I ended up opening a Love Lab booster pack and individually listing the cards on eBay. I don’t think the cards will sell, because I don’t think I’ve sold any Love Lab booster packs yet.
The reason I opened the pack was because I have no idea what the inside of a P-Memories booster pack looks like. I haven’t opened a single one up until this point!
So it went like this.
- Common Character card
- Common Event card
- Common Character card
- Common Character card
- (Foil) Uncommon Event card
- Adhesive sticker featuring a character
- Rare Character card
- Promotional paper
- Uncommon character card
- Uncommon character card
That took way too long to resize those images and upload LOL.
The other reason I opened it is because I wanted to list as many possible items today. I think the eBay algorithm favors sellers who list often.
Here’s a wonderful neck stretch video I just followed along with
I’ve been avoiding doing CoDA work recently. I’ve missed several days journalling as well. It’s all due to me switching around my schedule and working on eBay first thing in the morning.
I’m pretty much out of ideas for cards to list. I’ve made as many multipacks as possible using reserve cards. I suppose I could start listing more bulk lots, but those seem pretty difficult to sell. I think that difficulty is in my mind. I think there is an audience who would prefer quantity over quality.
Anyway, I think that tomorrow I will journal earlier in the day. It’s 7:24 right now and I have about an hour until I’ll jump on TeamSpeak and play games with friends.
Until then, I’m journalling and trying to sort out my thoughts.
Earlier today I bicycled to the bike shop and the grocery store. I just want to take a minute and recognize a success I had– I phoned the bike shop and asked about warranty service on my new bicycle!
I’m usually too anxious to do such a thing. It was fine though. I was all nervous and shaky after the call, but I practiced deep diaphragm breathing and mindfulness. I tried to observe my thoughts and label the feelings I felt.
It was shame. Shame because I called and bothered the workers when they could be helping another customer or doing some sort of work.
I instantly checked the facts and reminded myself that I’m a customer too. I matter too. The bike shop staff is there to serve customers and keep them happy. They make money through sales and service. I said to myself,
“That shame is invalid.”
And I began to feel better and more calm.
I rode down to the bike shop where I was greeted at the door. The staff adjusted my rear brake in no more than 5 minutes, and I was out the door no questions asked. I appreciate The Bike Hub very much!
5 star Yelp review incoming!
… After I get 2000 words in.
So that kinda put a monkey wrench in my plans to walk to the grocery store while the bike was being fixed. I had my bike and I still hadn’t shopped. I don’t have my bike lock yet, so I was really in a bind.
I risked it.
I went to Albertsons which was really busy. I rarely see the parking lot that full.
I didn’t have my bike lock, but I didn’t want to just put my bike at the rack and go inside. I was desperate for a food resupply, so I unstrung one of my shoelaces and tied it between the rack and the bike frame using a square knot.
My thought process for this was that it’s not just a free bike that can be pulled. There is intention in me tying my bike to the rack. A thief would have to walk up and untie the bicycle, or simply break the shoelace if they didn’t mind jolting it around.
They couldn’t simply take. They would have to break and take. Break, or really consider what they are doing as they untied the knot which I tucked behind the rear caliper.
So I went in the grocery store and I was thinking about that bike the whole time. I was quick. I didn’t stop by the restroom like I often do. I went straight for the produce and one by one, quickly threw bags of lettuce and other vegetables into my basket.
I grabbed a loaf of Dave’s Killer bread, bread being something I haven’t bought in a long time. I did that just to save time and not have to go to other sections of the grocery store.
My basket was completely filled in the produce section alone. That doesn’t happen often.
I suppose bread isn’t produce. It’s right next to produce at Albertson’s so I guess I filled up in the same area, but not the same section.
Anyway, I went to check out and there was a line. That’s another uncommon thing. I suppose I was at Albertson’s right around lunch time, so it was understandably busy.
I checked out using self checkout and it seemed to take forever. I had to pay using three methods– EBT, Cash, and Debit. Not that I bought anything other than food, I was simply out of EBT benefits until the 19th.
I walked outside and wondered if I would ever see my bicycle again. I turned the corner and saw my bicycle, along with another. That bicycle was locked with a bright orange coiled cable lock.
There was a man sitting on the nearby bench, smoking a cigarette. He said nothing as I loaded my bags into my backpack, untied the shoelace from my bicycle and threaded it back into my shoe.
It was strange walking in the store with no shoelace. I didn’t feel embarrassed or anything, I simply felt loose in one shoe! LOL.
Anyway, I threaded that shoelace into my holey shoe, and noticed how several of the thread holes were broken. I just skipped em and kept going.
I got my shoelace back together as I tried not to breath in the cigarette smoke that was blowing all around me.
I was so grateful to see my bike again. I was so grateful to get back on it and ride it away. I patted it on the frame and appreciated that I had not lost it to a thief. I hope to not have to risk such a wonderful, useful machine again!
I have a theory, and who knows the truth, but it’s an interesting and curious to think about.
The guy smoking the cigarette was smoking because he locked his bike up, noticed how there was a nice bike tied with a shoestring, and felt the urge to steal it.
But he was in recovery from a life of theft. He was honest now, and he did not want to steal because he had stolen before and knew that he hurt so many people.
He took a seat, with mixed feelings of honesty and greed. He began to shake, thinking of the excitement that just more bike theft would be.
He sparked up a cigarrete and made a deal to himself.
“If the owner doesn’t come get their bike by the time I finish this cigarette, I’m stealing that bike.”
He would leave his bike there, locked to the rack for later collection. The nice GIANT Roam 3 with a shoelace “lock” is basically asking to be taken.
His hands were shaking.
Exhale. A stream of smoke disperses into the blowing wind.
Inhale. The cigarette burns rapidly with the increased pressure.
“Just a few more drags”
Then I walk out.
“Oh fuck, that guy is the owner. He got lucky this time!”
That’s what was going through my head as I was trying not to inhale their nasty smoke stream. I was glad I was still wearing my home made fabric mask at that point!
But yeah, I’m very thankful that I still have this beautiful machine. I look over to it now and I’m in awe at how beautiful and well constructed it is.
Ok then! On to CoDA stuff and affirmations and gratitude!
Gratitude has made it’s way into my daily writing. I already wrote three things I’m grateful for while I wrote! It is a success that I’m exercising gratitude on a regular basis. I’m happy for that success.
One more gratitude thing though. I’m grateful for my body which powers my bicycle!
92. I allow myself to take a break and do something I enjoy.
93. I can show kindness to others.
94. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow, but I’ll take care of myself so I am strong enough to face it.
CoDA 30q #11
I have experienced physical pain from being spanked by my parents. I have experienced sexual touch from a kid at in elementary school.
I have dealt physical pain and physical restraints to my siblings. I feel guilty about that.
I was the most violent toward my brother B. There was one time I held my him down with both my shins on his chest. He was begging me to get off and he probably couldn’t breathe. I put all my weight on him. I only got off when he started crying.
I could have broken his ribs with that pressure. The mental image I have of that scene haunts me.
Fuck.
This is heavy. I want to talk to B. about that in person. I want him to know how terrible I feel about doing that.
non-physical and passive forms of abuse and control?
I experienced criticism as a kid. I was never good enough in school. I was often angrily labelled as, “you kids.” or “spoiled rotten.” I was afraid of the punishment my dad would give me for getting bad grades. I was afraid of him tutoring me because of how short tempered, angry and impatient he was. He would compare me to other kids and urge me to “be more like him.”
My dad never supported my dreams of being a freelancer or entrepreneur. He never supported my dreams of living an alternative lifestyle, it was always just expected that I
- obey dad
- obey the church’s teachings
- go on a mission
- go to college
- get a career
- get married
- start a family
- live like dad
There was no option. Everything was an expectation and backed by force or the threat of force.
heavy shit, I’m done for now.
