Wed Mar 11 2020

My back hurts. Too many hours hunched over my desk trying to see the monitor more clearly as I play Squad. I slept like shit because I ate too much, too soon before bed.

The past few times I’ve played squad, it really wasn’t fun. I’ve just been a bullet magnet. I think it’s because I’ve been playing when I’m tired. I’d be better off going to sleep than staying up and having a shitty game. I couldn’t hit shit as gunner in the Russian 30 mil. I was getting really frustrated as well, because I didn’t know what M. was doing, and S. was in the vehicle and I felt like I was being constantly judged from him. He wasn’t saying anything and that silence was triggering me. I really should have gone to sleep at like 10PM, but I ended up going to bed at 1:30AM and it took me quite awhile to actually fall asleep.

The number of people playing on weekdays really falls off at midnight anyway. Our last game was really dull. The fun moments were made up of me flying a helicopter for my team, and running up to an enemy LAV-25 unarmed and jumping on it’s back.

It’s 10:16 AM and I don’t feel rested. I am thinking of going back to sleep until I have to get ready for group. Daylight savings is so dumb. I want to write a letter to the department of transportation to consider sticking with DST permanently.

I’m so salty. I don’t want to do anything other than sleep right now. I’m really angry! I’m tired and my back hurts and I have gas. Perfect conditions for anger.

I’m figuratively frozen in my seat. I can’t make a decision to go back to bed or stay awake. I don’t want to write or even watch YouTube. I’ll try to poop.

I pooped. Wow, I feel a lot better. No wonder I wanted to go back to sleep. i was in severe pain and being asleep means I don’t have to feel that pain. The sheer volume of the gas and feces that were in my large intestines is just mind blowing. So much gas and poop that my intestines were being stretched from the insides.

How very graphic of me to share. But this is a mind dump so nothing is off-limits.

I realized it when I went to squat on the toilet. I’m hung over. Hung over from overeating and video games. Well then, with this in mind, I’m going to do things differently today. I’m going to eat a fist-size portion of food, instead of what must have been four pounds of food. I felt great right after eating, but then the stomach pain creeped in and ensured that my time gaming was in poor spirits. My spirit lifted once I sipped on a 19oz applejuice, but only temporarily.

So I’ll have the applejuice tonight, as well as a fist sized portion of food. Maybe I’ll give myself two fist sized portions, because I’m not sure I’ll get full with such an amount of my cooking. My cooking is generally lean, with lots of veggies and rice. The fattiest thing I add is coconut milk, and ithat’s usually the reduced-fat variety. Oh yeah, I had a vegan multivitamin as well. I wonder if that contributes at all to stomach pain. Probably not. I’ve taken those on an empty stomach more than once, and it didn’t seem to have any side effects other than smelly vitamin burps.

I sold my backpack yesterday. The one I got from woot. I sold it to my brother B.’s wife who is going to give it to B. as an anniversary gift.

I added the sale to my ROI spreadsheet.

Sponge Bob Thrift Pants Return on Investment Spreadsheet

This ROI spreadsheet is a habit I need to get set in stone. It’ll help me find those items that move the dial, so to speak.

The backpack was a good sale. I’m happy with it. Now I just need one of those a day!

Sexy Miku by Wokada

Random sexy racing swimwear MIku!

Can you believe that Tumblr no longer allows adult content? What the fuck, Tumblr!? I don’t even know why I’m mad. It’s not like I was a Tumblr user. Oh wait, I’m mad because Tumblr censored Wokada’s portfolio containing super sexy Miku art.

I just realized that Wokada has Instagram and Twitter as well. I bet some or all of their Miku art is also on those platforms.

I checked. It looks like their Instagram is for sharing shitty narcissistic sadboi things like cars and watches and bikes and food and selfies. Their twitter has some gems, like Miku getting a colonoscopy

LOL, the polyp is saying hello.

I’m so envious of those doctors though. They get to flip up Miku’s gown and see her butt, then they get to put something up her butt. Poor Miku though, she seems so embarrassed. Now I’m fantisizing about Miku coming home to me and crying and reaching out towards me looking for comfort after being completely embarrassed. I’d just hold her tight in my arms as she pressed her face into my chest.

Goddamn, I want a 3D Miku in my life.

I’m taking this shame group, and I have been challenged to figure out what my shame triggers are. I just identified one this morning. I’m ashamed of being attracted to women. For example, I’m in this VOCALOID Discord server and there’s this girl that’s really outgoing and quirky and funny. She likes to change her profile picture a lot, and she loves VOCALOID. She’s opinionated and can be very emotional but she overwhelmingly appears to me as cute. I’m ashamed that I’m attracted to her personality.

I’m ashamed that I’m attracted to the woman at my behavioral health clinic who does peer support. She’s thin, loves hot tea, seems to struggle at times with maintaining a good mood, but she’s so dedicated to learning about how to take care of herself better, how to eat well, how to sleep well, and she’s so passionate about sharing those things with other people. The way she talks and smiles and locks eyes with people around her are so endearing and attractive. I’m ashamed that I’m attracted to her.

I’ve been ashamed of being attracted to every girl I’ve ever been attracted to.

I was ashamed of being attracted to J. because I wasn’t supposed to date until I was 16. I was ashamed of being attracted to her because she wasn’t mormon.

I was ashamed of being attracted to A. because I was a cook and she was a customer. I broke down and it was only my friend A. that was able to give me a pep talk and ask her out. That one worked out for awhile. I was probably the least shamed about that relationship because I was the most free at that time.

I haven’t had a strong attraction since A. There were two girls I went on dates with, but there wasn’t an attraction anywhere close to J. or A.

So clearly I was on the right track when I worked at Putters Pizza and I dated A. The place I erred was listening to my co-workers who were urging me to take the next step and ask A. to be my girlfriend. Her living situation prevented such a relationship because she was living with her parents on the condition that she not have a boyfriend. I thought it was too soon to ask for such a thing anyway. I just wanted things to continue exactly as they were. It was my friends who were pushing me. They wanted to see me take the next step, but I wasn’t ready.

Anyway, I learned a good deal from that relationship. I learned that I shouldn’t take advice. More recently, I’ve learned that good friends would trust me enough to do what is right for me.

For fucks sake, I’m so angry about the time that I carried A. to her car, and pretty much dropped her. Her feet hit the ground pretty hard. I could have hung in there a little bit longer, and slowly lowered her feet to the ground. THAT is why she said no. I’m just kidding. I’m going to let this go now. I look back and think about the relationship we had, and I’m glad it happened. Now I look at how she was back then and I don’t feel attraction. I’ve changed a lot. A. was a great person but I wouldn’t date that A. now.

I wouldn’t date anyone now.

Before I move on, I want to forgive myself for dropping A. To be clear, I dropped her legs. Her arm was still around me. I was doing a wedding carry and I let go of her legs. I’m saying it out loud. I forgive myself for dropping A.’s legs. I forgive myself for that relationship. I forgive myself for listening to my friends. I forgive myself for listening to my co-workers. I forgive myself for asking so sheepisly to A. to be my girlfriend.

It feels nice to forgive myself.

I wonder if I don’t date because of the shame of being attracted? It could be the shame of dating someone that my parents wouldn’t approve of. I’ve noticed on several occasions in the past few weeks that I’m seeing things through my mom’s eyes. Board or card games that my mom would find inappropriate, for example.

I’m so codependent.

I missed CoDA again. I simply didn’t want to go. Ugh, I am hopeless!

I’m not hopeless. I’m saying that as if I’m an angry wife who loves her husband but she’s just feeling angry in the moment and wants to assign blame. I’m being like that, not really feeling hopeless.

So what then? What is my plan for next Tuesday? Do I want to continue CoDA? Honestly, not really. I don’t think CoDA is going to check the boxes as far as being a group that helps me live. Right now I’m thinking that all these groups I’m going to are not scratching the itch that I need scratched. I think the itch I need is physical contact. I need hugs. I haven’t been hugged or given a hug since… I don’t know, that time my dad hugged me after I gave him a letter explaining what’s been going on with me and the fact that I was considering suicide? That was what, a month ago?

I need a hug a week, minimum. I need a mentor. I don’t want some rigid 12 step program. I want a passionate caring friend.

I’m thinking of taking Tae kwon do. There’s a place in the valley right next to the shitty dentist office I went to recently. Students of that dojo meet twice a week. I could learn Tae kwon do, find a friend, get stronk, learn a better way to live, level up, and eventually I could spar with TEMPHUiBIS!

I could train in secret, then one day go visit TEMPHUiBIS in London… Then I reveal that I’ve been studying the same martial art as he, and that would be pretty cool!

The problem is that… There are a lot of problems. I’m thinking this is all cool and fun, but it’s a martial art. It would probably be the hardest thing I’d ever do. It’s got a social aspect, a confidence aspect, a strength aspect, a physical contact aspect… That’s a lot of aspects.

I don’t even want to spar. I don’t want to be kicked. I don’t want to kick someone unless I’m being attacked.

I admit, it would be nice to know the proper kicking technique. Right now I know nothing about kicking. It would be nice to train in this way and work on my body. As it stands, I think I’m going to end up with a disgusting body in 5-10 years.

Do I want a disgusting body? Fuck no. I don’t want that belly overhang that so many men have nowadays. That permanent gut that persists even when being naked, because their belt has tightened their skin around their waist, but the flab over the top is completely unrestricted…

Nah, bruh. I think martial arts would be very good for me in all aspects of my life. I don’t think I even should think about the money. I think whatever I would have to pay for 2 training sessions a week would be completely worth it. It’s an investment that will pay back 1000 fold.

42. I will focus on my talents; I have things to share with the world.
46. I love who I am.
7. My problem has a solution. I will work on a plan.

I’m grateful for family. I wish I wouldn’t have brought that up because my family is my biggest source of shame. I suppose I’ll just try to stick with the positives. My family has supported me financially for a long time, and that was a bad thing. Fuck. Ok I can’t do it. Forget this paragraph.

I’m grateful for retractable tape measures, because they give me a quick, easy, and accurate way to measure the packages I sell on eBay.

I’m grateful for airsoft. It was fun when I did it and I have no intention of doing it again, but it was a good time and I have some good memories from camping trips and the times spent with friends.

I’m grateful for free snacks at the behavioral health office. I’m going to go there in an hour and I’m looking forward to the free snacks which are yummy, keep my blood sugar in a good place, and cost nothing to me.

I’m grateful for COVID-19 because it’s going to make my meetings smaller and therefore more comfortable, due to the amount of people who I know will be too afraid to leave the house. Additionally, I could use COVID-19 as an excuse to not go to an event which I don’t want to go to. Not that I’m planning on doing such a thing. I would more quickly use my social anxiety as an excuse than I would COVID-19.

According to Michael Osterholm, COVID-19 is going to be around for a year+, and it’s going to be 10X worse than the seasonal flu. I usually don’t get the seasonal flu, so I think my odds are pretty good. I’ll just focus on self care and sleeping well, and I’ll maintain good handwashing habits.

I went on a tangent. COVID-19 the meme is rampant right now, and I’m completely infected with it! I think it’s a good time to exercise good meme hygiene and completely discontinue talking about COVID-19. There are so many better things to talk about and propagate!

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