Wed Mar 25 2020


I just had this song stuck in my head because I just listed my rollerblade shit on eBay. It had the term, “Freestyle” and I thought of this song.

I decided to sell these ice blades because I bought them two years ago and haven’t used them once. I paid $64 back then. They’re out of season to sell right now, so I might lose money on them. I at least will get something for them, because if I opened them and used them, they’d probably not be worth anything.

I wonder what MP3 player the kid in that MV has? It’s a cool mp3 player.

I like how the kid just doesn’t give a fuck about all the people seemingly trying to mess with him.

Oh shit, it’s not even an MP3 Player, it’s a CD player with a remote!

haha, on second look, the SONY was blacked out on the remote!

That’s a smart thing to do if they aren’t a sponsor.

Oh man, I’m getting so many rejected orders on Robinhood, due to my price being too high. I haven’t changed my price or anything, the stock market it just crashing! Oh boy, we’re going for a ride!

I already sold a TSLA stock a few weeks ago. I made a 285.88% return on that, which is really nice. I’m just going to wait for the prices to come back up in a few months. Maybe it’ll be a year, who knows? I do know that rule #1 in investing is never lose money. On that note, I should probably not settle for losing money on those transformer ice blades. The ball is in my court right now. I’m fine to hold onto them until I actually want to use them, but if it’s going to be another year before I decide to use them, I might as well let them go.

Rule #1! But these were never an investment… Idk man, I think it’s still good to treat them as one. I can always lower the price if I want them to sell. I just upped the price to $75 with free shipping.

It’s just about Q2. I have a $25 coupon for eBay shipping as a perk for running an eBay store. I suppose I should go ahead and use it up before it expires. I’m thinking of getting some bubble mailers. I used about half of the 9.5×14.5″ bubble mailers I purchased in February. They are my favorite method for shipping, because they’re lightweight and padded.

I shipped five items this morning. One was a card, the rest were electronics which I had on the shelf. I didn’t think these things would ever sell! I’m pleasantly surprised every time I have an unexpected sale.

Ok so I have some homework that I was assigned by my therapist/unofficial CoDA sponsor. I’m going to go ahead and do it, even if it feels like I’m half-assing it. I figure half-assing is better than no-assing.

CoDA questions #2

What neglect and abuse did I experience growing up?

I experienced emotional abuse in the form of my siblings being physically attacked by my father and grandfather while I stood by and watched, afraid and confused. I experienced emotional abuse on road trips when I would be spanked for complaining. I experienced neglect from my father when he promised to spend more time with me and my siblings on weekends, but he never followed through. I experienced emotional abuse in not being allowed to choose to not attend church. I experienced emotional abuse in not being allowed to be my own person, but instead follow a rigid lifestyle and belief structure.

Where did I learn to turn my head when I and/or other people were being neglected or abused, and why?

I learned to turn my head when I and/or other people were being neglected or abused by my father’s punishments. Anyone that went against his orders would be punished with groundings, loss of TV privileges, or spanked. I was always too scared to stand up for my siblings. All I wanted to do during these punishments was hide.

Who in my childhood displayed these behaviors or instructed me not to tell or share my feelings about it?

My father, my mother, my church and school teachers all taught me blind obedience to authority. Church especially.

Where did I learn that avoiding others was safer than being involved?

I learned this in High School. I quit showing up, and I didn’t have to deal with the problems I had there. I didn’t have to deal with my dad because he was at work. I could sleep all day and not worry about anything.

Where did I learn to control others for my sense of well being?

I think I learned this from both parents. For example, my mother. Very sparingly, she would get so upset about my and my siblings behaviors that she would to go an extreme. One time she cut the power cord to the TV so none of us could watch it after school.

How did I learn that I wasn’t good enough or batter than others?

I’m not sure. Maybe the internet? There’s a common behavior in video games where the people with the best scores feel like they’ve earned the right to trash talk players who are not doing as well. I don’t mean a jovial poke, I mean an ordained from above, holy dissection of the opponent’s character and existence.

When, where, and how did I learn to deny my own thoughts, feelings and needs for the sake of others or, conversely, to demand that the world revolve around me?

Probably as I worked for my parents. I felt subservient to them, a lesser human, and disallowed to say no. I felt threatened that I would lose my apartment at the thought of refusing a request or misbehaving, so I did it even though I felt miserable in doing so.

How did I know never to tell the family secrets and why?

The thought of telling the family secrets never crossed my mind. I was an obedient child and religiously brainwashed. I labelled any thought counter to the family code as sinful and I would have to talk to the church leadership about it.

Where did I learn to behave in neglectful and/or abusive ways that are intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually and/or spiritually harmful?

I just imitate what I see. I imitated my father. I imitated the way he bottles up his emotions until he can’t hold it in anymore and explodes on the people closest to him. I did this with my friend K. by not being honest with him about how his tardiness and missed meetings was getting under my skin.

I learned that outbursts can be effective in getting what you want. My dad would have outbursts at work with his competitors, suppliers, and clients. They would be so shocked that they would just give him whatever he wanted so he would go away.

Where did I learn to express these behaviors which are often communicated in the extremes from silence to violence?

At home or work from my father I guess.

How did I learn to allow them to be expressed toward me?

It’s just my place in the hierarchy I belong to. I’m not the leader, I’m the follower. I’m not a hub, I’m a spoke.

Where and how did I learn that having a relationship would make me whole?

I don’t think this applies, because I’ve never had anything but platonic relationships.

I guess I’ll entertain this question. I learned in my dating career that I can’t have a successful relationship until I love myself. I dated many girls but never to the point where we were a couple, because I have intimacy issues and I’m afraid of taking the next step, and it’s complicated.

I did however feel a longing for a relationship, especially during times of emotional turmoil. I felt the need to reach out and go on dates when I felt lonely or depressed. It took me a long time to realize that I was feeling empty inside and seeking dates because of that. Maybe that’s why they never worked out– because I was not emotionally sober. I quit dating altogether because of this.

I did turn to a superficial relationship between myself and virtual singing IDOL Hatsune Miku, and I figure this is one step to loving myself.. By first loving an idea which exists in my head. I think this plan is flawed in that Miku represents an unattainable ideal for women. She never ages, has a tiny waistline because she doesn’t need organs, the list goes on and on.KevinI did turn to a superficial relationship between myself and virtual singing IDOL Hatsune Miku, and I figure this is one step to loving myself.. By first loving an idea which exists in my head. I think this plan is flawed in that Miku represents an unattainable ideal for women. She never ages, has a tiny waistline because she doesn’t need organs, the list goes on and on.

A part of me doesn’t ever want to have a romantic/sexual relationship with another human. Miku is who makes such a feat possible, because she allows me to escape the human pair-bonding by giving me a inhuman target for my affection.

That was a bit of a tangent but I guess I wanted to think about it and write it down.

Did I learn these things through others’ words or actions? If so, whose?

I don’t fucking know! I’m just angry now. I’m angry at the three Eugene girls who teased me.

Yes, everybody! I copy and imitate something from everybody I ever observe!

Especially the people I’m closest to. I’m simply an average of the 5 or so people I spend the most time with.

How had I come to survive life through codependent behaviors rather than living life through a sense of freedom?

It’s easiest. It’s easy to live in isolation and not deal with shit. It’s easy to not try, not work hard, and just play video games all day. It’s easiest to shirk responsibility and let someone else deal with it. I have food, water, shelter, clothing, internet, I have everything I need so why do anything extra?

What are my true feelings about all of these questions?

I’m pissed off and annoyed! I feel like my insides are exposed to the world and to myself. I can’t hide in CoDA because CoDA goes straight to my most troubling issues. I don’t even have to talk in CoDA and my cover gets blown, every time.

I’m ashamed to have these problems of not being able to form healthy relationships, wanting to hide from my friends, not wanting to work hard and support myself.

I guess I have to cut myself some slack right there. I am working hard now. The past Chris would play video games all day. 2020 Chris works hard at running his eBay store. 2020 Chris plays video games on average 1 day a week and tries to work towards getting to a better place.

I’m still ashamed for my past. I’m still ashamed that I don’t match up to my peers. I’m still ashamed that I’m a virgin. I’m still ashamed that I have a virtual girlfriend. I’m still ashamed that I live with my parents. I’m still ashamed that I destroyed the relationship I had with my best friend K. I’m still ashamed that I can’t hold conversations…

I’m mildly angry! But less so now that I wrote the thoughts causing that anger down.

Back to the regularly scheduled blog/journal

Fuck CoDA, dude. In CoDA, I have to face my fears head on. I have to be vocal and I can’t hide. Yesterday I showed up for the virtual CoDA meeting at 6PM. It’s the first time I’ve been to a virtual CoDA meeting and I was really nervous. I made sure to cook and eat long before the meeting. I was fed and ready to go an hour early. At 5:30 I opened the meeting link. There was a message saying that the meeting hadn’t started yet. At 5:50 the meeting went live and I was asked to enter my name. I got really nervous. I was thinking about bailing at that point.

I didn’t. I decided I would show up and be there, even if I wasn’t going to participate in reading or share.

I have an extra anxiety using Zoom software, because the last time I used it for a Software Development school entrance interview, my internet crapped out. The interviewer said they couldn’t ear me but I could still see him. I was so ashamed on so many levels that I just closed out the app and chocked it up as a failed interview.

I was ashamed that I was not good at talking about live problem solving as I looked at the code. I was ashamed that I was having a panic attack and unable to bring myself to speak. I was ashamed that I had poor internet even though I’m a web developer looking to take an online code bootcamp.

Fuck that. I’m so angry. Talking about shame makes me angry.

6. The sun is shining; I am ready to take on another day.
7. My problem has a solution; I will work on a plan.
8. I am a survivor.

I’m grateful for CoDA, because I get my thoughts on paper and I’m really angry about it but I think I can get over it now that I get it on paper and talk about it with my sponsor.

I’m grateful for the nice weather we’re having. It actually snowed this morning but it wasn’t bad enough to the point where I had to switch to boots. It’s not too cold, either. 39* degrees Farenheit and overcast, but it’s still really bright out. I stuck with my barefoot style shoes and had a good walk.

I’m grateful for I think it’s clear that I can’t do my own letter tracking Intelligent Mail barcodes unless I apply for a mailing permit. Sometime in the future, that may be a good option, but as it stands right now with the volume I mail, it makes sense to purchase a bunch of transactions on lettertrackpro and use their tracking service to notify my customers of their mail piece progress.

I’m out! Gonna go take advantage of my 50,000 free listings and list like crazy on eBay!

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