Wed May 13 2020

dyspensarka, tasmiarka, taśmiarka

I had bad dreams. I was getting bitten by my angry adopted dog, I was attacked by demonic ghosts, and I saw Mr. Beast & crew rot away from illness.

It was very disturbing and scary. On top of all that, the woman I returned the biting dog to was trying to have sex with me. Wait, that’s not a bad thing. She was physically attractive, but there were too many disturbing things going on in the background of her house. More paranormal shit, and she was a little too crazy about her animals for my taste.

I’m glad to be awake now, but I’m feeling pretty vulnerable. I received an e-mail message from a customer who was unhappy with their purchase due to a misunderstanding on their part. I can’t look at it right now, I don’t think I can handle it just yet. Going to ship outgoing products and walk first, then hopefully I’ll be more awake and more capable of regulating my emotions.

Ok, it feels good to write. I want to get a start on packing & shipping now, because I have 6 packages outgoing. I’m happy to have all these sales. I’m getting closer to my daily selling goals. I hope this demand keeps up and I can stay busy like this.

I walked 5 laps, ran 10, and walked another 5. Two young deer crossed my path and it gave me a moment to sit down and practice mindfulness.

The eBay negative feedback issue is really bothering me. I’m having trouble meditating. I’m having trouble staying positive. I think I’m jumping to the judgement and the story that the unhappy buyer is trying to take advantage of me.

Here’s how I responded to the customer’s initial response. I kept the use of advanced English to a minimum because I think the customer is running these conversations through a translator.

Here’s what those little blue bars in the thumbnails are

I hope I didn’t come off as too upset or blamey. I might have been too blamey.

That math in the parentheses is a copy-paste of what the buyer sent me. They are assuming that Amazon has the authoritative price on K-ON booster boxes, which is annoying.

Well, I did my best to communicate. Hopefully they get back to me. If I can get $15 per booster pack, I’m happy. I’ll wait to hear back.

I figure this can go a few ways. They could be angry and threaten to open a dispute with eBay. They have the potential to get all their money back if that happens.

Sellers have the short end of the stick in these cases. Anyway, I hope it doesn’t come to that. I’ll gladly send them a partial refund of $55 if it means they will remove the negative feedback. It’s either that, or I lose everything and keep the negative feedback.

I might have played my hand too early. It’s okay though. Whatever happens, i can deal with it. I can diffuse whatever anger they might direct towards me with outright apologies and a larger refund.

I wonder if I am falling into codependent behaviors by crafting perfect responses to get a desired result. It’s definitely a kind of a control pattern, but is it unhealthy? Sales bring up codependent behaviors every now and then, but I think surviving and making money is not unhealthy.

This is most unfortunate. I have been thinking about this issue all morning. When I received the negative feedback, I wasn’t upset at all. I laughed because I figured the buyer didn’t read English very well and simply didn’t understand the listing.

Even if I lose all the money and keep the negative feedback, I can still recover from it. 99.3% positive is a pretty damn good rating. So really, whatever happens, I can deal with it. I am strong and resilient enough to receive negative feedback every now and then.

What am I feeling right now? Is it shame? is it guilt?

It’s not guilt. I don’t feel guilty at all. As far as the sale goes, I didn’t do anything wrong in my book. I must be feeling shame.

I received the buyer’s response this morning and I felt a sinking feeling. I refused to read the e-mail. I hit the snooze button on that e-mail and made it disappear from my sight. I avoided it.

Avoidance pattern detected!

I took care of the morning’s shipments, and went outside to walk. I put the eBay message out of my mind for the most part, but I thought about it every now and again.

I finished my run, came inside to eat, then I got cleaned up. I sat down at my computer and started to write, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the eBay message. I was feeling anxious. I had a sour feeling in my stomach. I was afraid of the buyer’s response.

I quit writing, reset my pomodoro timer, and found a guided meditation for anxiety.

I was in tears by the end, in-tune with my body and the fear that I was feeling.

I am afraid that my eBay business will not work out. I’m afraid that I’ll be stuck in poverty forever, that my cupboards will be empty and I’ll perpetually go hungry. I’m afraid that every great sale I make will end with an unhappy buyer, that they’ll scam me with disputes or demand a refund.

I struggled to let go of the story that this buyer was out to get me. That they intended to open a dispute from the get-go. That they expected to receive the cards for free, and they knew exactly how to exploit eBay’s feedback system to get just that.

I was inspired by the meditation video to let go of the judgement, and the story that I had come up with. I was inspired to go forward with only curiosity.

After I concluded the meditation, I was ready to read the buyer’s message. I can do it. I am strong. I am guilt-free and I’m doing my best.

It’s true. I’m doing really great. I’m loving my job, I’m loving my days. I’m loving that I have made so much progress in lessening the shame I feel on a daily basis. I’m loving that my depression is non-existent. I’m loving that I’ve taken up yoga and daily exercise.

I’m doing really fucking good! I’m not about to let the shame I feel on the account of this unhappy buyer ruin my day.

I’m feeling rather vulnerable today. It started last night as I tried to sleep. I turned my fan off, my A/C off, and tried to fall asleep in the silence.

The wind outside blew, and I could hear my mom’s decorative garden windmill rotating. I think the blades are unbalanced so it makes a very distinct sound when it rotates. Not annoying, just noticeable.

My A/C unit made noises as well. Maybe it was the internal fan blades rotating in response to gusts of wind. Maybe it was the layers of wood and insulation which I used to cover the window.

I heard these sounds a couple meters from my ears and I started to imagine dark, lanky, demonic creatures creeping through the gaps in the insulation and hovering above me, sapping my life force and stealing my energy.

I thought about this, not fighting the thoughts. I let the thoughts and the mental images be, and those thoughts seemed to have invaded my dreams.

I saw a naked, dismembered, rotting corpse that pooped swirly ribbons of feces from it’s decapitated neck. The people nearby thought nothing of it, acting as though the body parts were a their trusty companion, simply resting.

I saw a Chihuahua sized dog who hated me, barked incessantly at me and bit my arm when I got close. I returned the dog to it’s former owner who then transformed it into a penis-accommodating chastity belt and strapped it to herself.

Not that she needed the penis cage. She asked for an opinion on the appearance. I suggested removing the tip so it could be used to enhance sex rather than restricting it.

Those are the fucked up parts that I can recall. There was more, but I think I intentionally didn’t write about them when I first woke up because of how disturbed I was because of them.

I feel paranoid. This is not a complaint. I also feel creative, vulnerable, strong, energetic, healthy, and alive.

I think I have DEVA iron free multivitamin to thank for these uncommon feelings. Last evening I took 1/2 a capsule in the evening. I took a nap, then woke up refreshed. I played video games with my friends until midnight. I felt confident and able.

I led a Squad of 9. I put my Shame Resilience training into practice. I apologized immediately when I did something I felt guilty of. There was no shame because of that.

I confidently gave orders, knowing that I was doing what an effective Squad leader does. I encouraged my Squad to stay close, follow orders, and support the rest of the team by accomplishing objectives.

I said no, and I felt no shame for it. I’m the Squad leader. I have command net in my ear at all times. I have a better idea of what the other squads are doing, and I know what my Squad needs to be doing. I said no to the Squad members who had an uninformed idea of what we should be doing.

We lost, but it was a team loss. I did my best and I harbor no guilt. It was fun!

There’s something I would like to improve on. I would like to improve on calling people out when they make mistakes. There was one instance where a new player hit the “CALL MEDIC” button which is a bit no-no in competitive play. Call medic can give away the fact that people are still alive, because the player’s avatar audibly yells, “Doc, get over here!” which nearby enemies can hear. That exact thing happened, and our squadmates and I got killed because our sneaky medic’s concealment was blown.

I would like to improve on calling out mistakes in a more compassionate way. The player was new. They didn’t know that the audio can be heard by enemies. I wasn’t mean about it, but I was reactionary, and blamey. I think I can improve on how I go about that.

Another thing I would like to improve on is by using military tactics to capture enemy positions. I think I will read the art of war to get some ideas. I also think I will read the art of peace, because I think that’s equally important for life. I gotta have both sides of the piece, the yin and the yang!

I took 25 minutes to read. I mostly read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, but I also read a page each of The Art of War by Sun Tzu and The Art of Peace by Morihei Ueshiba.

This eBay issue is still eating at me. Have I not recognized the feelings I’m experiencing? Or is the guilt of my response getting to me? I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about it. I want it to be resolved and over with already!

I set my intentions for today. Focus is what I decided on. Focus on the task at hand. Right now, the task is to write 2000 words. It’s not to impulsively check my e-mail every 5 minutes to see if I received a response from the unhappy customer. Therefore, I am doing just that. I am writing and I’m focusing on what task I have in front of me.

I read a good thing in The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s a three step guide to overcoming a vulnerable situation.


  • Get deliberate
  • Get Inspired
  • Get Going

I wrote these three bullet points onto a piece of note paper and taped it to one of my monitors. I think this digging deep is exactly what I need right now, when it comes to the eBay negative feedback issue.

Get Deliberate

What is it that I want out of this situation? I want to get the negative feedback removed. I want to communicate to the buyer that they were the one who made the mistake, not me. I want to keep the money that I was paid for the products I was paid for.

I want to stand my ground, be firm on my position. I’m a seller. I exist on eBay to make money. I set prices and I describe and photograph the products. I exist on eBay only because I can make money and because I can afford to keep the lights on, pay my rent, pay for meals, pay for new inventory coming, pay for shipping supplies, etc.

I realize there was a mistake made. The customer already said they should have asked for clarification on the kind of product I was selling. They already owned up to that. But they’re asking for the booster packs for less than I would have sold them to anyone.

I realize there was a mistake made. They made an purchase with terms that they were unsure of. It is done. I have to accept that. I have to make this better if I am to keep my 100% positive feedback.

Get Inspired

I have been a customer more times than I’ve been a seller. I have made purchases where I made a mistake. I was the one to order the wrong item. The best sellers out there didn’t assign blame to me, they simply offered a return or an exchange. I want to be a great seller. I want to follow the path of the best sellers, gain a large audience who loves the products and the services I offer, and knows that they are covered should they make a mistake.

People make mistakes. It’s the seller’s job to offer GREAT customer service. I want to be a better seller! I can take a hit on this sale. I can recover. It was a mistake, after all.

Get Going

I am going to offer exceptional customer service to this customer. They fucked up, but they are human just like me. I will forgive them. I will move forward and stay positive. I will respect the customer. I will not infringe upon their dignity. I will be respectful and compassionate. I will do what I can to make it right in the customer’s mind.

Other customers will come along who will make up for this customer’s mistake. I will improve my listings to help customers avoid future mistakes. I will be kind and generous and offer this customer one-time accident forgiveness. I will earn their appreciation and their respect, even if this sale completely flops. I do this for my own sake and for the future success of my business.

I’ll go with that. I think I would like to talk to someone about this. Get a second opinion. Get the perspective of a friend. I’ll talk to my friend M. tonight about it, which I think will be a good way to move past this.

25. Every day, in every way, I am becoming better and better.
26. I am a good person
27. I keep going because I believe in myself.

what does it mean, “Equality is Lost?”

CoDa Q 8.5

When I act helpless around another person, I grant them the position of my higher power.

When I attempt to control another person, I restrict my higher power from working in my life.

Y’know what? I’m struggling with this higher power concept. I don’t like the idea of it at all. I am my own higher power. I am the one who makes decisions. I am the one who chooses to act one way or another in response to external stimuli.

I feel like I’m back in Mormon sunday school, answering the obvious questions with canned responses. I’m confused about the higher power thing. I want to exercise my will based on what I think is right. Any concept of a higher power is just confusing.

I’m honestly confused when the higher power gets mentioned. There is me, and there are the people I associate with. The thing that we are working on changing is me. There is no third party sky ghost who’s sending me messages! I’ll take credit for things I do poorly or well. My higher power? My own subconscious, if anything.

I’m totally snagged on this higher power thing. It’s like Christianity was stripped out of the CoDA book, but only by name. The worship of Christianity remains, and that upsets me.

I lost my fucking lip balm.

I’m grateful for lip balm. I’m grateful for petroleum jelly as well. I have lots of that. That’ll have to do for now.

I’m grateful for the color blue. I especially like the shades of blue which have a little green in them. Girly blue. I like girls. Cute, bubbly, sensing-feeling guuuuuurls.

I’m grateful for diamonds. Not really. Diamonds aren’t that great. I’m just thinking of guuuuurly stuff still. IIOSjFOPJSDFOJSOFJOSDF

I got a little shame trigger right there. I was talking about cute girly things and I felt some shame because I’m a man and the popular idea of men is that they should be free of emotions, control women, and gain status.

Whoops, I guess I don’t fit in to 2 out of 3. I like the status one. I’m working on being a small business owner and running a successful eBay store.

I’m grateful for packing tape. It’s sticky and it holds things together.


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