I woke up at 6:20. It was another one of those days when I wake up and then go back to sleep without even getting out of bed. I figured that cycle was just going to repeat, and my body woke up for a reason, so I got out of bed even though the sun isn’t even up.
No eBay orders this morning. It’s not lookin’ too good in the money area… I remember saying something like that to my therapist on monday and she said that I used a self-defeating thought where I could have turned it into a helpful thought.
It’s true. I said, “I think I’ll have a anothermonth where I’ll barely scrape by.” but she reminded me that the month isn’t over. There’s still more I can do, especially now that I’m aware that the numbers aren’t looking satisfactory. I have a week and a half to do something about this situation, so why not focus on doing something to change the outcome rather than accepting what is less than ideal?
The one thing I can think of doing is listing more cards every day. That’s the reason why I put an extra checkbox on my eBay work task. I’m hesitant to do that because listing on eBay can stress me out. I get in a groove and I try to go faster and faster, and my body ends up getting tense and having that tension for extended periods of time really wears on me.
I just caught myself making an excuse. I have tools to relieve tension. Those tools are yoga, meditation, breaks away from the computer, and naps.
I’m thinking of an idea that I don’t like, because it takes away from my coding time.
Right now I have 4 slots for code, and 3 slots for eBay. Realistically, I usually take more like 6 slots for code, and 3 slots for eBay. Even when I only had 2 ebay Slots, I usually did 3 slots worth of work, as the final slot usually involved card sorting and storage.
Well, I think the idea is to put a little more effort into eBay every day, so I have a higher likelihood of appearing in shopper search results. So really I just want 1 extra eBay slot, and 1 less code slot.
Let’s say 4 code slots, and 4 eBay slots. 6 code slots is usually too much anyway, and my brain gets friend by the end of a work session like that.
I’m trying to make the excuse that I can’t change the daily progress chart (DPC) because I already printed it out for this week.
I remember when I started the DPC. It’s all about PROGRESS which means that it’s GOOD if the list changes before a week is up. In fact, if it doesn’t change within a week, I’m probably not making progress at all! I’m simply staying the same, or maintaining. Maintaining isn’t good enough, because I want to get to the next level of professionalism/income/dependability/self-reliance/responsibility.
Staying the same is no longer good enough!
Ok then, a new DPC coming right up!
I made the change. 4 slots for code, 4 slots for eBay. I also removed the Clean row because I am so opposed to cleaning that I put it off for weeks on end. It’s not helpful there if I’m not going to do the task.
So instead of the Clean task, I’ve added Organization. I’m good with organization. Eventually, I can clean instead of organize, but for starters, I want to first build a habit of getting up from my computer and moving things around.
I have two corners in my apartment that I like to call the forgotten corners. One is moreso than the other. It consists of shit that I don’t use, probably never will use, and it’s always a nasty dusty storage pile of junk.
I’d like to eliminate that forgotten corner, and get rid of the stuff in there that isn’t used. There’s a pop-up canopy that I can give to a family member or sell (I probably won’t sell because I hate selling local)
There’s a range bag of emergency supplies that can be merged with some other bag. I hate that bag, it’s so ugly! I can give that to my brother B. who does gun stuff.
There’s a whole bunch of shit back there that I’ve completely forgotten about. If it doesn’t help me in my mission of bringing #Prememo to the USA, I’m getting the fuck rid of it!
Oohh, I’m going to go do that right now, since my 25 minute pomodoro work period is up.
Holy shit it might snow today. I’m happy that I went to the grocery store yesterday!
I’m going to do some CoDA work today. It’s been so long since I did CoDA, that I don’t remember what Q I left off on.
I did a search. I’m pretty sure that 30q #28 is up next.
CoDA 30q #28
Re-read Step Three on pages 39-41 starting at the second paragraph, “We remember..” Every morning when you awake, renew your decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. (You may wish to repeat the Third Step Prayer every day.)
Make a commitment to actively strengthen your relationship with your God. It is your most important relationship. Trust in your Higher Power’s help. Ask God for help and guidance. Do your part. Strive for a life of balance. Look for strength and serenity as you grow in trust of God’s continuing presence and care. Discuss these ideas.
Yeah I can see that this is a good strat for dealing with codependency. God is my most important relationship because god seems to be a basic human instinct. I can make my god whatever I want it to be. It can be another person (bad idea) or it can be an ideal entity that exists in the clouds, or another dimension or whatever (better idea.)
Having god be this idea of a flawless being is kind of like setting the bar really high. I want to be god-like which in other words could be expressed as, “I want to be as good as I can be.”
Beyond that, I can take comfort in god, or in other words, I can take comfort in the idea of absolute perfection.
I don’t know how that’s comforting. When I know that there’s something perfect, I immediately start comparing myself to that perfection, a comparison where I will always fall short.
Goddamnit, this is the same old discussion that happens in Christian doctrine over and over again. It’s this pseudo-science bullshit that anybody can talk about at length, there are no wrong answers, and it’s completely pointless.
Gimme something real, empirical, and practical in my daily life. I don’t want any guilt for being an imperfect sinner. I’m not a sinner and I reject that ideology.
I’m a kickass web dev seller extraordinaire, capable of great feats of engineering, perseverance, grit, organization, optimization…
IDk where I’m going with that, but side note… My Buyee order is out for delivery right now!!! Cool beans. Excitement!
Ok so back to 30q. The goal here is to strengthen my relationship with my god. Thinking about god and writing my thoughts in the past few paragraphs, I see that I felt the need to fight back against Christianity, but that’s really not necessary. I can go my own way, choose my own god, as I already have.
My god is the one mind that is explored in Buddhism. People have probably named it, but I’m not aware of it’s name. It’s name isn’t important. It’s just a metaphysical idea, anyway. It’s not like we can reproduce it once we figure out it’s name.
Goddamn it, I’m not making any sense. What’s the point? What’s the tangible usefulness for a god?
I already know that answer. It’s because god is a basic human instinct. I naturally look to a higher power for answers and guidance. Naturally, an alpha male can be my god, but that is not a helpful paradigm in today’s society. It can create enmeshment as I have experienced. It can create a situation where I offload responsibility as I have experienced. It can create a situation where I live for and serve the alpha male, rather than living for and serving myself.
I have been doing pretty good with meditating every day. I repeat the phrase, “Namo Amida Butsu” which roughly means, “I take refuge in the Buddha.” When I say it, I mean it. That’s how I’m working towards strengthening my relationship with my god. (Not that Buddha is a god.. I realize that.)
To me, taking refuge in the Buddha is finding peace through a sense that I am part of the one mind. I’m not worshipping Buddha, who is just a teacher. I’m only recognizing their message and accepting it into my life. The message is that there is no distinction between myself and others. We are all connected. We all stem from the one mind.
Bruh, it’s cold today.
I’m going to wrap up this post the regular way, with affirmations and gratitude. Then I’m going to go… IDK. code? meditate? list shit on eBay? who knows. All I know is that today is going to be a good day and I’m grateful for this CoDA question for prompting me to think about things that I don’t often think about. At the least, it’s a good thought experiment. At the best, it’s getting me closer to my goals of dealing with my codependency in a constructive way.
I’m grateful for my sister who is bringing me some boxes to use for shipping. I offered her some handwarmers which are expiring this month, but she seems to be covered as she said she already has a bunch.
I’m grateful for bananas. I’m happy to have a bunch in my kitchenette right now! I’m happy that they are healthy to eat and they taste very good. Yesterday I made a smoothie with 2 bananas, 2 100g acai berry packs, some pecans, and some hemp milk. It was really yummy! I haven’t had a smoothie in awhile and I’m grateful that I have a Ninja blender that I got for free from my mom!
I’m grateful for the customer that messaged me this morning, thanking me for the product which arrived in great condition.
55. I choose to see each obstacle as an opportunity to grow.
56. I will step out of my comfort zone and try something new today.
57. I am a success; I can make this day great.
Excelsior, and opportunity!
