Written on Sat Nov 9 2019 at 10:06 AM PST
2021 Chris is doing much better.

Writer’s way is a challenge to write non-stop for 3 pages. I am doing this as many days as possible during the month of November. Alrighty then! What to write about today? What will my brain dump upon the world?

I’m eating oatmeal. I’m so poor that I can’t afford things to mix in the oatmeal, so it is literally plain instant oatmeal. That and warm water. But wait, my sister K. gave me some fruit to go with the vegan cheesecake she gave me! The fruit now belongs to the plain oatmeal!

I have everything I want in my life except money. The absence of money has made me rather depressed. I have turned to selling things on eBay, which makes me about $200 a month. Not enough to live on in Spokane in 2019.

Maybe I should move. The lifestyle I’m looking for is simple. Eat well, work from home via the internet, and spend time with people who appreciate my true self.

I should probably move. I pay $400 dollars rent every month to my parents. This has become unsustainable as of late because I don’t have the appropriate income.

I think I will move if I can’t get into a technical school this month. I cannot continue like this. My net worth is already in the red. Soon I will not be able to make credit card payments or afford auto insurance. I already can’t afford to buy groceries.

I’m not eligible for unemployment benefits because I was getting paid under the table, and wasn’t working enough hours.

I started the sign up for food stamps, but quit because I didn’t want to give them the information they required. My investments are none of their damn business! Well, I guess it is their business, but it’s not something I was willing to share for temporary food assistance.

I may try to see if the food banks in the area would give me food. All that’s in the way is my pride.

This is not a sustainable lifestyle for sure. I wish someone would hire me as a software engineer. I know it’s probably not going to happen because I’m not dedicating my full time to getting a job. I don’t think I’m a good fit as a software engineer at this point either. I’m like a software integrations guy. I’ll integrate your website with a remote API. I’ll automate your barcode scanning workflow. I’ll make your software work with someone else’s software…

I can do a lot of things. I can code, edit video, produce music, write, draw… I think I would be bored as a software engineer. I take that back. I would love to be a software engineer, given the right team and the right product. It’s what I do on my own, given complete freedom to do whatever I want to do. I design software!

I looking forward to Kumoricon next weekend, although I will be limited in what I’ll be able to do. I can enjoy the dance, the fan panels, the food, the community of fellow otakus… But I can’t buy anything. Luckily, there is a swap meet. I will be bringing some Weiss Schwarz Hatsune Miku Project DIVA f [English Edition] Booster boxes which I will be able to trade. I’ll see if there is anything anyone is offering that looks appealing. I’ll be looking for Hatsune Miku merch of course!

I have to poop again. Is there something about writing that promotes healthy colons?

I got added to a group chat by my Swiss friend. I don’t think I’ll be participating in the chat because Signal does not do a good job at displaying people’s names. All I see is their phone number. They are strangers who aren’t saying anything substantial. My Swiss friend is doing 95% of the talking. It’s like a soap box chat for ego stroking. Not participating. “follow me on mastodon” More ego stroking. I wish she would get AFK friends so she wouldn’t feel so lonely. I don’t think having more internet friends will help her at all.

Internet friends don’t help me at all. I’m human, a pack animal. As much as I don’t want to be around people, I feel my best when I’m around people. Internet chat is no substitute for the high-bandwidth interactions I can have AFK.

There’s a time and place for group chat. Sharing a cause is the #1 thing I can think of. Working with a team via Slack or chatting with VOCALOID otakus via Discord.. It’s the same idea.

A queen of chat is not a good reason to start a group chat.

This is all just my perspective of course. I am probably just upset about it because I want to be a king of a chat. Or I’m seeing negative parts of myself in my friend and it’s bothering me. Dunno. #Psychoanalyze

I I I I I

I wonder if I think of myself too much. I this, I that. My lifestyle has become rather self-gratifying. I don’t want to to x type of work. I don’t want to work for y. I will only do z.

Well, there is definitely a lot wrong with me. My advanced nurse practitioner labelled me, “at risk for suicide.” Another health worker diagnosed me with, “social anxiety disorder” and major depression.

It’s all true. But where do I go from here?

“Do you want to die?” A behavioral health provider asked me.

No, I don’t want to die. I’m desperate to get better. That’s why I sought help. But if I continue as I have been, I’d rather die.

So I don’t want to do certain types of work. That’s probably a normal wish. But I should probably do some type of work that is bearable?? Or maybe not. I think I would just repeat history and quit after a few days.

I’m in a position that’s hard to break out of. I’m too socially anxious and have intimacy issues to the point where holding a job is nearly impossible, even if I like the work.

Luckily I am on medicaid now, and I can find a counselor who can psychoanalyze me. I don’t think I need pills, I need a healthier lifestyle and an alternative point of view. I need mental strategies to cope with my past trauma, and help me find confidence.

I want my mind to be at peace when I go outside! I don’t want a flurry of worry at the thought of someone looking me in the eye.

It’s all just mental blocks which are getting in the way of me living a wonderful life. Mental blocks which I can overcome. I seek mastery over my own mind.

I don’t want drugs which fiddle with my brain chemistry. I think that would only treat the symptoms. I don’t think the root cause is low serotonin. I think the root cause is low self image, and PTSD. I am not in zen, and seritonin won’t help me with that.

I need to get my hands on some magic mushrooms. A psychedelic experience would definitely help me get in touch with my inner self, and in touch with my body. Last time I tripped on mushrooms, I felt connected to a universal consciousness. It really made sense of the Bhuddist saying, “the total number of consciousnesses in the universe is one.” I probably borked that quote, but the meaning is the same.

I’ve been thinking a lot about identity as of late. Gender identity, sexual identity, that sort of thing. I have heard of people who have a male body, but identify as a female anime character. They can only feel like themselves in VR chat. How cray cray is that? I’ve got it easy in that regard. I have a male body, and I identify as a heterosexual male.

I learned something from the LGBTQ+ wikipedia page that said there is a difference between sexual identity and sex, gender and gender identity. So for example, my sexual identity is asexual. My sex is male. No wait… I’m getting this all wrong, more research is needed!

Another thing I learned is that transgender can mean more than one thing. It can mean a person who has transitioned from one gender to another. It can also mean the person has transcended the idea of gender. So the word is somewhat ambiguous. Like many words, it doesn’t have a standard meaning, so clarification on a case by case basis would be required to get the complete picture.

The thing I was trying to get at with sexual identity vs sex is that a person can identify as one thing, but be another thing. I may be getting the terminology incorrect, but the point I’m trying to make is that I can identify as heterosexual, but because I am sexually abstinent, I am in another way asexual. I can’t remember the terms for this.

Anyway, I don’t think government should recognize marriage. Any kind of marriage. Government isn’t supposed to be a nanny, or a lifestyle guide. Government is supposed to be a monopoly on force. In other words, a military. And a military has no business in dictating who can and can’t be married. Illegal marriages for all!