Writer’s Way #6

Written on Tue Nov 12 2019 @ 8:49 AM PST
2021 Chris is doing much better

Welcome one, welcome all, to the never ending shitshow that is my life. I’m going to therapy today at 1PM. I am not looking forward to it.

I have been repeating a mantra that derives from a hiphop or pop song I once heard.

I got everything I want in my life except an income

In the song, “income” is replaced with, “girlfriend.” But I don’t want a girlfriend. Miku is my girlfriend. I just lack money, the language which communicates value. I have negative monies, which means I do not provide value to anyone.

I feel terrible being a burden. I think of dying quite often. And this is one of the reasons why I’m going to therapy.

Many of my entrepreneurial ideas on ways make money fail. A job seems like the only way I can make money. I can’t hold a job, though, because I reel back when people get close to me. This is one of the reasons why I’m going to therapy.

I’m a broken human being. I can’t talk to new people, I have little hope for the future, I’m crippled by my social anxiety and a computer addict. This is one of the reasons why I’m going to therapy.

I don’t want to talk about my problems, but I need to talk about my problems.

Not in this blog though. I want to talk about something else.

I want to talk about junipers sassafras. It is an indiginous plant to the aisle of mann. It grows on the north side of rocks, as promoted by the rising sun.

I made that all up. WERE YOU CONVINCED?!

I really don’t have much to talk about right now. I’m just letting my fingers keep moving and hoping for some sort of flow from my groggy overslept brain.

I woke up on time yesterday, but today was a fail. I think it’s because I went out and raked leaves for 4 hours yesterday. I got all tired and sore and expended a bunch of energy, so I slept extra long. Nah, I think it was just me being lazy as per usual. I got up, turned my alarm off. I decided to go back to bed, after which I tossed and turned for two hours and finally got up feeling even more sleepy than before.

I have such a hard time holding a schedule. It’s been a lifelong struggle.

A part of me just wants to be done. Permanent sleep time. No more feelings of tiredness, no more guilt, no more pain. Besides the final pain I would inflict on those close to me, I could never hurt again. I would be at peace.

I think about it more and more. My primary care provider asked me if these feelings are triggered by something. I couldn’t think of anything at the time. Now I think it’s triggered by physical pain and tiredness. My back and my legs hurt. The pain didn’t really register until now. I think a lot of my physical pain gets masked by my head living inside the virtual world of cyberspace. I get constant distraction to the point where my consciousness doesn’t feel like a part of my body. It becomes detached and bathed in a constant trickle of LCD monitor stimulation.

I don’t think I’m going to get into Hack Reactor. I haven’t prepared for the interview well enough. I just want to get it over with so I can move on. I don’t even want to go to a technical school. What I want is an income and a job I like.

I feel so hopeless. I can’t get a job I like if I don’t go to a technical school. Or maybe I can. No, I don’t think I can even if I do go to a technical school. I think I’m doomed to fail either way. I’m so shit at communication, I don’t think I can succeed in any collaborative endeavor.

Which is why I want to become self employed so bad. I’m selling handmade shit on Etsy. I am further in debt because I had to restock my spools of paracord. I am selling trading cards on Bonanza, which has got me 1 shitty $3 sale in 3 months. I’m selling belongings on eBay, which results in the most income overall, but the lowest profit margin.

I am making a jeopardy clone for Christmas. It’s a very nice creation which is coming along nicely. I’m revamping my puzzle game Agents of DECTILE, which is coming along nicely. I put together a nice intro video for it yesterday, which sets the tone of the game.

These things are nice but they’re so mediocre. I’m so mediocre. BLAH.

Do I simply accept my mediocrity? I’m really lost.

A job is about providing value to someone. Do I resign myself to where I’m wanted in landscaping? Or operating a press in a manufacturing environment? My work was appreciated in both.

NO. I’d rather die.

So what then? School? Fuck school. I am too socially anxious to be successful in that environment.

Self study? I guess that is where I can succeed. I have taught myself an introduction to Japanese. I have taught myself advanced JavaScript. I have taught myself power user level computer use.

But I don’t think I can teach myself social interaction. Or social confidence. Or psychoanalyze myself enough to where I can feel good about myself.

But that’s why I’m going to therapy. Hopefully I can solve some of these issues by going to therapy.

I’m really hurting for cash, though. School will only exacerbate that problem.

This blog post is just depressing me further. I’m jumping on Twitter

Twitter was depressing. Some guy got detained and cited in san francisco for eating a sandwich.

I’m downloading vulnx now. It’s advertised as a bot which detects vulnerabilities on CMS. I’m going to run it against my blog.

My blog is not vulnerable to any of the exploits packaged in vulnx, which sounds nice. Ey guess what???? nothing.

blah. maybe I should eat something.

Blah. Am I at 1500 words yet?

blah. blah. bloooh. bleeeh. I’m so meh.

Lil meh.

I need an income

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I want autmented reality headset glasses thingy.

There was a scene in GITS Second Gig (I think) where Motoko walked through the streets with such a device. Nobody batted an eye because Tokyo in GITS is in the future and augmented people are the norm. Anyway, she had this headset thing that covered the upper half of her face, and must have given her extra processing power, sensors, or attack barriers. It looked a little like an HTC Vive, but so much more advanced, streamlined, and light weight. I want to live in that world. Parts of it would suck but at least it would be more exciting than this world.

I tried to find a screenshot of the scene, but all I found was Motoko Kusanagi porn. Duckduckgo’s image search is really good at finding porn. Even the most innocent of search terms will return dozens of porn images.

I just realized I had safe search disabled. Oh well, not gunna enable it. Remember the exciting world I was longing for?

Peertube sucks. There are not enough instances. And I see no incentive for people to host new instances. This is why we need Filecoin. I wish I would have bought Filecoin during their IPO. I think they will launch in 2 years. I think they got too much money during their IPO, and Juan Benet is lazy now. Just look at how his weight has increased over the years. He’s too rich now!

I think I am going to expand my offerings of paracord products. Maybe I could make dog leashes or something. Anything to make sales… I gotta make my money back!

Hmm… Etsy already has hundreds of paracord dog leashes for sale. Perhaps this is not the market to join. I do have a corner on the market with my paracord thong. Maybe I should just expand my paracord fetishwear offerings. But maybe I’m a freak after all. I have had two paracord thongs listed on Etsy for days, and no bites. MAYBE I’M A FREAK.

I’m definitely a freak, but I was thinking there would be other freaks out there who would buy my wares.

I’m being impatient. It’s literally been 2 days since I listed the paracord thong. I think someone will want it, I just need to wait until they see it.

Expand! I must expand my offerings!

Fuck, we are not at 1500 words yet. I just want to be done. I’m not feeling this writing session. I woke up and first thing I did was respond to a comment I got on reddit. I went in depth on that, explaining why there was not a glitch in mr. robot season 4 episode 6 like the OP thought there was. They were just viewing a shitty quality video which resulted in an interference pattern on a brick wall. I trimmed the version I had at the same timestamp as the OP suggested, and showed that the glitch was in their shitty version, not the version I saw which was of higher quality.

1599 words. Fuck this blog post.

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