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Writer’s Way #8

Last updated on November 13, 2021

This blog post is part of an old series of journal entries during a time of major depression. In my effort to build shame resilience and become more comfortable my authentic self, I am publishing these previously unpublished journals.

Written on Thu Nov 14 2019 @ 6:07 AM PST

I so completely blew my technical school interview. It absolutely rekt me. Completely pwnd my face.

I don’t even want to talk about it. I cannot even recall it without wanting to hide in a hole.

What will I do now? My all-in attempt at getting into Hack Reactor backfired. I still have 2 more chances to pass the interview, but I don’t think I can pass even if I retake the interview.

Here’s the thing. The technical problems they presented me were easy. The challenge was working on the problem under watch from a stranger. Just absolutely terrifying. I was literally dripping sweat. I had a panic attack and my heartrate increased. I tried to calm myself but I couldn’t. My mind raced, flooded with thoughts of inadequacy and assuming the interviewer’s negative opinion of me. I got overwhelmed and shut down. I clammed up. I became instantly depressed. I stared at the problem, no longer focused on solving it, but assuring myself that I cannot. I knew I had to speak my thought process as part of the interview, but I couldn’t turn my thoughts into speech no matter how much I wanted to. My head was stuck in an infinite loop of negativity and grief.

“This always happens.”

“I can only work alone.”

“I’ve failed.”

After what felt like minutes of silence, the interviewer asked me where I was stuck. I explained that the terminal output of the problem was throwing me off. This was only partially true. The reality was that I had completely shut down. I could no longer continue reasoning about the code problem because I was in fight or flight mode. The interviewer gave me a hint, but I already felt defeated. The problem was so basic, and I choked up only because I was being watched.

I continued, still sweating profusely. I continued to work through the problem. I felt like a complete idiot. I should not have required a hint to get past that. I could not focus on anything but how dumb I must be appearing. I felt handicapped, with only a fraction of my required brain power online to analyze and solve the javascript challenge. I tried to remind myself to do my best, but then my internet reliably stuttered. The interviewer said I froze up and couldn’t hear me. At that point, I took the opportunity to shut down my PC.

I knew this would happen. It happens every time. My internet connection is degraded, working off a backup connection. Nobody will take responsibility for it and replace the modem which needs to be replaced. So we are left with a backup connection which has a high amount of jitter.

So now I know I am completely ineligible for Hack Reactor. I can dream of being exceptional all day, but it doesn’t mean shit if I can’t pull it together when it counts.

I think I’m just going to go back to work at this point. I’m so strapped for cash that I can’t continue like this. I was all in. I was to get into Hack Reactor and get a student loan so I could survive, or don’t.

I don’t think I can do that. Hold a job that is. This is the reason I’m going to therapy, so I can figure out why I have interpersonal issues which keep me from working.

I think what I’m going to do is try to get unemployment benefits. Last time I tried, I was denied because I hadn’t worked enough hours at a job which paid over the table. Now that I’ve been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder, I might be eligible? Dunno, I’ll have to try again.

Like I said in last blog post, “I’ve got everything I want in my life, except an income.”

And that lack of income hurts. I would like to eat better, but I can’t afford groceries. Even simple shit like rice and beans. I am so broke!

I want to jump into writing code right now. It’s my calling. I want to make a Habbo clone right now. I want to work on Jeopardy right now. But I have to write first. Going vegan was about discipline. I wanted to teach myself discipline. I had to be disciplined for a time, but that diet discipline became simple habit. NOW WHAT!?

I need more discipline. How can I trick myself into being more disciplined?

Well this blog is probably a good way. I think I should continue this daily blogging every day. If I consider it my daily routine, and stick with it for 30+ days, I think it’s safe to say that it is habit.

But is habit discipline? As I argued regarding my vegan diet, I don’t think it is. So maybe the trick is to add a new routine once my target habit has been solidified. For example, once writing 1500 words in my blog every day becomes a solidified habit, I must begin working towards creating a new habit. I’m not saying abandon old habits, but be in the habit of always working towards forming a new habit.

The idea is stacks of habits. Good habits. Always be working towards a new one.

One habit I formed within the last few years is washing the dishes after every meal. Since doing this, my sink is almost never full of dirty dishes. It makes cooking stress free because everything is ready to go when I have the urge to prepare food.

It’s a simple rule that I follow. After I’m done eating, I do the washing up. I don’t have to argue with myself or make excuses any more. It’s simply habit.

It wasn’t easy to break my old habit of piling up dirty dishes. I had to cut down on the number of dishes I kept in my cabinet. This meant I had no excuse to leave dirty dishes in the sink. If I did that, I simply wouldn’t have any dishes to use.

I have bear minimum amounts of utensils and dishes. One spoon, one fork, one pairing knife, one chef knife, two plates, two bowls, one glass. That’s it. Nothing unnecessary, and it works very well for me.

So this is my new goal. Always work on forming a new good habit. Currently in progress is entering 1500 words every day in my blog. I impose no topic requirement. I can write about shit going on in my life, review some technical doodad, or write pages of my second novel. Not that I’ve started a second novel, but I would love to write another!

1111 words so far. This is good flow. Not the best flow I’ve ever had, but a good flow indeed. I’m cooking some rice now. The past two days I’ve been out of oatmeal so I have no more quick food. Oh wait, I still have peanut butter. But I haven’t mixed it yet. I buy Adams peanut butter which is very yummy but requires mixing and refrigeration to keep the oil from separating.

My cooking pot doesn’t have a lid. It’s left over from a rice cooker I threw away. I just use a plate over the top, but right now it keeps dripping hot water onto the burner. That rice runoff water is always smelly when it evaporates.

I wonder if I will look back on this blog when I am much older, and marvel at how I lived. I hope I can do this one day. What I’m saying is I hope I don’t die soon. A part of me disagrees.

I just have to take one day at a time. Today I want to implement a server with a player signalling app for my Jeopardy webapp.

If I have time, I would also like to see if I can use CSS grid to form an isometric grid. I’m thinking VOCALOID Studios should have a kickass character customization feature. This alone could make a nice minigame for my new domain I put my Miku module quiz on there. I shared that quiz with the VOCALOID discord and got a good response. I also wrote up a list of issues with the quiz that I or the community found. There is lots of room for improvement!

Why are there two Kizuna AIs??? Why couldn’t the production company just come up with a new character? It’s confusing! “I like Kizuna AI” now begs the question, “Which Kizuna AI?” They have the same appearance, but are obviously voiced by two different people.

Kawaii! But not as kawaii as Miku of course. I hope the day is soon when Miku can be brought to life as well as Kizuna AI

Oh my god, I just want to hide in a hole after yesterday’s interview.

I need a new button up shirt. The one I have is this flannel and I feel like a farmer when I wear it. I’m not a farmer. I’m a NEET

Oh shit, I’m a NEET.

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